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Archive for the 'Techie' Category

The Religion of Shanna

Friday, December 17th, 2004

So I'm hold for Dell Tech Support, and the hold music, which is usually generic elevator or John Denver-ish light rock, begins to play. I mute my own music and listen to this loud and obnoxious noise coming from my speakerphone. It was N'Sync or Backstreet Boys or one of those boy bands I-don't-know-because-they-all-sound-the-same-to-me. If it was new or old, I also don't know, because I've been boycotting local radio for a number of years now. Who or whatever it was, it was still very strange hold music as the lyrics went something along the lines of:

"...if you really like it hot, I can hit the spot...if you want it good, girl, get yourself a bad boy..."

I'd expect them to be playing some awful renditions of Christmas carols or a Phil Collins love song, but not something you'd hear blaring out of an 11 year-old's bedroom. And it was so loud - I had to take it off of speaker for the fear that someone would open my office door and everyone in the vicinity would think I listened to music tripe like that.

And speaking of inappropriateness, every day on my drive to work I pass a large assisted living facility. It's very nice, and I'm sure is something only the wealthy elderly or their rich children could afford. Whatever the case, the past few weeks I have been very disturbed to see this advertisement printed on a large red sign in front of the building (and right next to the road):

"Give a gift to yourself and your loved ones this year: Make Name-of-Facility Assisted Living your family member's home".

Couldn't this have been worded a bit differently? Let's look at what this ad is really saying:

- Make Christmas special by getting rid of the burden that is Grandma.

- Experience the holidays without Uncle Charlie's repetitive 'Nam stories & noxious farts.

- Remind Dad how much his aging is a pain in the ass for you by sticking him in a home for Christmas.

- Tired of changing Mom's diapers? Give yourself the gift of someone else doing the dirty work.

Give yourself a gift? By putting your elderly family member in a home? Someone in the marketing department should be going without a Christmas bonus, methinks.

And to end this second-Friday-post, I nabbed Rose's Religion Creator post. Really, who doesn't want to create their own religion? Try it. This is mine:

From the most serendipitous regions of the spiritual plane, I have channeled the disembodied spirit of Edgar Allen Poe, bringing to you the wisdom and pithiness of the lost city of New Orleans. To usher in the New Age of rapscallions you must heed my words and importune zealously. The time is soon when the space Miatas of our galactic cousins will return and our collective gregariousness will reach critical mass. The highest frequencies of the universe will spiral through the left pinky toe chakras of the worthy, and our 3rd belly button shall be opened. But first we must look deep inside and accept our inner flock. We must feel the inner flock, become the inner flock, cognize it as though it was a beer can. We must accept our karmic past, and, as our yogi master, Shanna, always says 'The true form of a wrath is actually a sublime grape , but enlightenment is like a uncouth genius on the wind'. For there is no right or wrong, no loyalty or anti-loyalty, only one great and omnipresent cigarette.

If you remember anything from Shanna's religion, it should be this:

...cognize it as though it was a beer can and ...(there is) only one great and omnipresent cigarette. I hath spoken.

I.T. Techs with Boobs…That Have Names

Wednesday, September 22nd, 2004

Thanks to Rose for the link/idea:

Your Boobies' Names Are: Bambi and Thumper

At first I wasn't going to post it; was just curious to see what my tits might be named but those particular monikers brought back a story I thought I'd share.

My parents brought to my first movie, Bambi, when I was but a toddler. Apparently I enjoyed it a little too much because they say as soon as it ended and everyone began piling out of the theater I took up an unholy howl, "It's OVER!!!" The ending of something good was just too much for me it would seem. Everyone walking past smiled at me and my parents almost apologetically. My Dad was pissing himself with laughter but my Mom, who is inherently shy, was mortified.

So I thought Bambi & Thumper were appropriate titles for my breasts.

Before I go I have two new IT-funnies to share with you:

1. I'd just issued a laptop to a new employee and provided him with all of his passwords. He called me up the next day to ask me:

"Hey, this password you gave me for my email account. Do I have to type the whole thing in?"

I was tempted to just say "Nah. We just give you all those superflous characters to throw you off."

2. This same guy called a few hours later complaining that his dial-up connection wasn't working. After seeing that he was doing everything right I asked him what he had plugged into the laptop to dial-up with.

"Oh," he said, "My cable modem."

Which might be why the phone connection profile going through the phone modem wasn't working. I tried to explain to him why this wouldn't work but he just kept saying, "I know that - but I want to use my cable modem; it's faster."

Sundarbans Badly Photoshopped Dead Guy

Friday, December 12th, 2003

As you well know, I feel it is my duty to point out the stupidity in this world to my faithful readers. This holds especially true when it comes to reviewing those god-awful friend-to-friend spam emails and the dolts that keep them flowing. Today I received a gem that just begs for exposure.

READ BELOW BEFORE VIEWING ATTACHED PICTURE:
The guy in the photo went to the Sundarbans with his friends and he asked 1 of his friends to take his picture in that very place. While his friend was taking the picture he screamed and fainted, 2 days later he died in the medical college. Doctors said he died because of heart attack. When the photos were exposed, in the last photo there was a lady standing right beside him though friends claim that he was standing alone. Many people said it is a rumor and the picture is the result of the blessings of latest technology.However, the photo itself is very scary and I'm sure you'll also feel the same way I've felt. Here you go with the photo!!!

A navy officer sent this letter to 13 people and he was promoted.

A business man received this letter and threw it away..not believing in it.. and he lost everything he had within 13 days.

It reached a labourer and he distributed it to 13 people.. he was promoted and all his problems were solved within 13 days.

So you must send this e mail to 13 people for something good to happen to you so people..get sending !!

P/S : Do not send back to the person who send this to you!!

Wow. This is one powerful email, eh? No doubt powered by the evil entity that appears in the photo with the hapless young man who lost his life. Didn't they make a movie about this?

You want to see the photo, don't you? Okay, okay - don't beg. You'll see why I have no reason but to believe it's authenticity for, as the email states, "many people believe...the picture is the result of the blessings of latest technology". Trust me, folks, if this is the latest technology in photo doctoring, technology sure isn't as advanced as I'd thought it was.

Without further adieu, the picture.

Now you are cursed for life - in 13 days you will be dead. Oh wait, that's that other movie. Creepy, isn't it?

Well, no, not really. Notice the blatant use of "13" in the email - no doubt used to further it's creepiness and prove "it's for real!". I mean, this is one potent email - the guy who ignored it lost everything he had!!

Give me a fucking break. It's nothing but another coy spam attempt at email farming. The more idiots that forward this to "13" people, the more email addresses they get. "Don't send this to the person who sent it to you!" Yeah, because they already have their email. No need to waste space with someone already on the spam list.

Why, oh why, am I pestered with these emails from these people?! True, there is the bonus of having blogger fodder - but, really, I could come up with something else to write. If I had my druthers, I'd never get another wretchedly asinine email. Yet as long as there are asshats that believe Mickey Mouse will dance across their screen if they forward and hit ALT+8, that they will automatically be forwarded a $2,345 gift certificate to Dillards for their compliance, that the American Cancer Society is going to donate $0.43 to some dying child with every forwarded email or that they will be cursed with losing their cat, premature baldness and a sexless life if they don't hit the Forward button, there will be horrible-spam-email-forwards.

And could some please tell me where in the hell the "Sundarbans" are??

Great - just as I was about to hit "Post & Publish", the wicked gods that like to provide me with people that make me want to bang my head against my cube blessed me once more. And I had to share.

Ah, the life of an i.t. tech. "Shanna, could you come over here? I'm trying to open my A&L - I think it's in Excel, but when I click on it, it just says "Unsupported Format".

This might be because said spreadsheet was attempting to be open in Corel: Word Perfect.

Now, you can have a wonderful Friday with the comfort that you're not that dumb. Have a good one.

Stick It in My Hard Drive, Baby

Wednesday, November 26th, 2003

Are computer terms offensive?

This goes way beyond being politically correct. This is sheer and utter stupidity! I suppose that next someone is going to try and get changed that plugs are labeled "male" and "female". Oh, the horror! The human race has become a collective mass of hypersensitive imbeciles with egos more fragile than eggshells! "That hurt my feelings!" should not be a legitimate enough excuse to sue a person or entity! I see before long grade-school children getting their parents to sue another child on the playground for calling them names. Shit, it's probably already happened! I have a message for the world that it really should heed: GROW UP!!!

To calm my anger at the stupidity of the majority of the rest of my race, I must remind myself that there are cool people who live and breathe here as well. My Mom is one of those people. Yes, listen here, folks - I have one of the coolest Mom's around. She's my best friend, and that's no joke. But that isn't why she's cool. Yes, she reads this blog - she reads everything that I write, and she thinks it's all swell. But that isn't why she's cool. She brings a magnum of Asti with her everytime she comes to visit for us to share. But that isn't why she's cool. She's hip and open to try out the new music I introduce her to, stuff like Govinda even. But that's not even why she's cool. She's cool just because she's her - it's all of those things and more. I can call her when I'm sick, and she's the perfect Dr. Mom. I can call her every three minutes when I'm cooking meat for the first time, and she's a patient teacher. I can cry on her shoulder, and she really understands what I'm feeling. I can invite her to a wild party with all of my crazy friends, and she fits in as if she's one of the gang (my friends actually ask me to invite her!) Though she likes to try and organize your life, she listens to my thoughts on things and respects them. She thinks that I'm wise; how groovy is that? I can call her up and bitch her out for something stupid, and she'll turn right around and give it back to me just as harsh.

No, this isn't a big kiss-up to my Mom (who is reading this right now, I know, and crying). The reason for the post is simple. Doesn't my Mom sound like the coolest person ever? You know what, she is. She's strong and strong-willed, she's fun, loving and compassionate. She's young-at-heart and has a wild streak in her that never died. She's got more gusto and strength in her than she realizes and she's more remarkable than she'll ever give herself credit for. But my Mom - for all her beautiful traits - doesn't see it. All I ever hear is her knocking herself, and disliking herself. She can be pretty negative and critical - and she dishes out the worst of it on herself. I've been trying for 26 years to get her to see how amazing and beautiful she is - inside & out. Perhaps, seeing it all written out might open her eyes. So, Mom, (stop crying!), are you listening now? Learn to love yourself and everything about yourself because, you know what? You're pretty damn cool.

Thanks all for bearing with me through all of that - but I had to get that message out there. She needs to see it.

So it's back to trying-to-work. Do you know how hard it is to work the day before a major holiday? There's a buzz in the office - you know you have a holiday tomorrow. There's a big dinner planned for the entire office, and you know they sometimes let you go home early sometime after it. That right there causes enough nervous excitement in the air to change it from an ordinary work day to a Day-Before-A-Holiday!

And, on an ending note (then, really, I'm going!), is anyone else disgusted with how they push Christmas on us sooner every year? On Monday, two radio stations here in Baton Rouge started playing "continuous Christmas music - all day long!" Huh??! It's not even Thanksgiving yet! This year I saw the Christmas stuff going up in stores before Halloween was over. In a few more years, we'll just be inundated with the Christmas season all year 'round!

Hope everyone has a safe & wonderful Thanksgiving holiday!!