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Archive for the 'Celebdom' Category

The Buzz Hates K-Fed & B-Spear, Too

Thursday, May 19th, 2005

I am so wickedly enjoying this post on Yahoo!'s Buzz page:

Gingerly Handling the Truth - Britney and Kevin
Celebrities intent on staying in the public eye have some options. A scandalous affair is a popular choice and one that guarantees plenty of press. Others chase endorsements and become highly paid hucksters for cell phones and perfume. And more than a few bid adieu to dignity and broadcast their private lives on television. Paris, Ashlee, Anna Nicole -- they've all done it with varying degrees of self-humiliation. Well, move over ladies, 'cause Britney aims to one up all y'all with the help of hubby/houseboy/former backup dancer Kevin Federline in their new show, Britney and Kevin: Chaotic.

Searches on the show, who's title presumably refers to the pair's always on-the-go lifestyle, jumped 229% and into our top 50 movers. It overcame premiering on UPN (+162%) - the network of broken dreams. While some may scoff at the show's popularity in Search, not to mention the lame "Can you handle our truth?" tagline, questions must be asked. Namely, why would anyone want to watch grainy video footage of K-Fed? No, really, why? Do the queries come from pop culture aficionados who know a so-bad-it's-terrible trainwreck when they see one? We'll never know the level of irony in these searches, but perhaps that's appropriate. 'Cause if we did know the truth, something tells us we probably couldn't handle it.

It's nice to know I'm the not only one who realizes Brit has completely trashed her hard-earned career all to hell with her tawdry, dim-witted skankiness.

Hey, I'm in pain, I'm allowed to find joy in the downfall of others, ok? Bye, bye Britney - no one will ever take you seriously as a performer/entertainer/celeb again. There is some justice in the world after all.

The Britney & Kevin Hour

Friday, April 8th, 2005

Say it isn't so. And I thought the buffoonery that is reality TV had already reached the depths of depravation and idiocy. That was, until I read about UPN giving the trashy pop-tramp Britney Spears and her insipid, worthless husband their own reality show. Television has reached an all-time low.

UPN's entertainment president, Dawn Ostroff's questionable enthusiasm over the dumb-and-dumber duo's life together boggles the mind. "Even if it were a fictitious story, it would be interesting," she is as quoted as saying. Am I the only one who isn't the least bit interested in the daily mundane activities of these two morons? Famous or not, they're idiots (have you seen the Details magazine interview? It just oozes class.). Yet reality TV appears to be founded on watching idiots make themselves look even more moronic for money and fame, so maybe she's on to something. What does that say about us, though? Do we have nothing better to do with our time than wonder what new tattoos KFed and BSpear are getting next week?

Britney's purported reasons for doing the show are to prove to the world that the rumors about she and Kevin and their relationship together are untrue. What she fails to realize is that we don't care. They make a mockery out of themselvse every time they open their mouths; they don't need to worry about the media doing it for them. This reality show will only further that point.

Britney Spears:

"From the day that Kevin and I met, there have been constant rumors and inaccurate speculation about our lives together," Spears said in a statement. "I feel that last year, the tabloids ran my life, and I am really excited about showing my fans what really happened, rather than all the stories, which have been misconstrued by journalists in the past. As I mentioned before, I am now going to be expressing my personal life through art."

Brit, considering the music you make, I'll have to excuse you for being so simple-minded as to consider reality TV "art".

Though I really have no desire to sit around and watch Britney try to come up with fresh, new ways to say "motherfuckers", I intend to watch the show. Why, you ask? Well it isn't for the entertainment, trust me. I'm not into TV and even less into reality TV and absolutely opposed to celebrity couples pretending to share their "glamorous yet genuine" lives by taping together a few fairly juicy snippets into something that's half-ass realistic. No, not my bag.

My reasons for wanting to watch are purely for the sake of journalism; or blogger fodder if you want to be unceremonious about it. I can't think of anything more enjoyable than picking apart each episode with a wicked stroke of the keys. That's my plan, anyway. My past attempts at setting up a weekly television-watching schedule have always fallen through. I just have better things to be doing with my time and I hate being pinned down to a schedule - even if it's something I enjoy. So I might catch one or two and I might bash them - it really depends on how I feel at the time. But other than that, I plan to stay as far away from UPN and the Britney-Kevin hour as humanly possible.

The show is slated to be a "documentation of love". Right. We all know it's going to be the documentation of a used-up pop-tart and the low-life who married her for her money; that's why people want to watch it. No one wants to see Britney and Kevin in love - that's not good TV - they want to see them fighting and being wild and trashy. Luckily for the audience, that's what these two do best.

Love. Whatever. I bet the show lasts longer than the marriage.

Ashlee Simpson Sux

Monday, January 24th, 2005

The Worm says I am obsessed with Ashlee Simpson - just because I made a page on my site to express my disdain for the talentless wonder. I'm not, really, I just find it overwhelmingly amusing. Yes, I know, I should get out more.

Stop Ashlee Simpson

Wednesday, January 12th, 2005

I'm sick and therefore behind on the next big bitch about stupid and/or talentless people, so until I can return I urge you to go and sign this:


The Stop Ashlee Simpson Petition.

Do something for your fellow man, creativity and true Art. Do it for me. Do it just because, admit it, it's freakin' funny. Or maybe because, as one of my favorite petition-signers so eloquently said:

As a dear friend stated, I've heard cats f*c# with more harmony...

Touche.

And for those of that think Ashlee is "talented" because she writes her own songs, let me leave you with the first four lines of her hit "La La":

You can dress me up in diamonds
You can dress me up in dirt
You can throw me like a line-man
I like it better when it hurts

You can throw me like a line-man?

But, wait, there are other songs on the album.

From "Better Off":
The sky is falling
And it's early in the morning
But it's ok somehow
I spilt my coffee, it went
All over your clothes
I gotta wear mine now

Ashlee, give it up.

Ashlee Simpson Proves Yet Again: I SUCK

Monday, January 10th, 2005

OMG!  I suck!Unless you've been living under a rock, you've likely heard the news about Ashlee being booed during her half-time performance at the Orange Bowl last weekend. If you haven't, do a search as I've read it's one of the most popular search items at the moment. Everyone loves to see a falling star, apparently.

A few people jump to the poor girl's defense by saying, "Well she has an 'okay' voice" or "She can sing, not as good as her sister, but she can sing". More than half of the waking world has an "okay" voice and "can sing" - this does not a pop star make, my friends.

So what does make a pop star? Apparently these days the only "star quality" you must possess is the relation to an already-made star. The marketing geniuses that try to trap us into loving each fresh-face they spew out (nearly a new one every week) never cease to amaze me. Yes, let's take Jessica's little sister - she's got an okay voice - and make her "the next, big thing". Let's forget for a moment, that Jessica herself's main claim to fame is a reality TV show without which she'd be nothing more than another Britney Spears-clone faded into obscurity. So they give us Ashlee, with her "punk" black hair and slightly-more-hardcore lyrics - the "Avril Lavigne" to Jessica's "Britney Spears". Nice try, media "geniuses" but I have a hard time taking someone who has a song called "La La" seriously. Ashlee, please take your acid reflux-voice, your bad dye job and the "cutsey" massacring of your name and go back to whatever hole you crawled out of. My pinky toenail has more star quality and talent than you on a good day.

And speaking of the talentless Simpson sisters, I've heard from numerous reliable sources that Jessica has been a bona fide snotty bitch to the locals while they're filming "The Dukes of Hazard" down here in 'ole Louisiana. Not only has she snubbed at her nose at folks when they run into her in public places (the LSU bars, for one), Mrs. My-Shit-Doesn't-Stink requested that her trailer be "covered" so "all these hicks won't be staring at me". "All these hicks" being the grade-school children in the school that owned the football field that was being used for filming. "All these hicks?", Jessica? Mighty fine insults you're throwing around there, considering you yourself are from Texas - not so far away last time I checked.

Before her hit reality show, I bet you 98% of the people you asked couldn't name for you one Jessica Simpson song (honestly, I still couldn't). Most people probably didn't even know who she was. I'm not sure why she thinks she's any better than the rest of us - she's a talentless bitch who married a has-been and got famous for pretending to be dumb. Brilliant; I hope her parents are proud. Her bogus stardom spawned the even-less-talented pop-disaster we've come to know as her younger sister. Hopefully MTV will wise up, cancel their shows and they can all fade into the insignificance they so richly deserve and never should've left.

What does it take to become famous today? Obviously, not much. Gone are the days of true legends and genuine stars; we'll never see another Frank Sinatra, Billie Holiday, Audrey Hepburn, or even Elvis - not when society churns out "stars" like tissue paper to be used and abused by the public then thrown away. You don't have to have talent (technology today can make any schmuck sound golden-throated) and you only need to be passing-ly attractive (Christina Aguilera proved this and then there's always the miracle of make-up and gay make-up artists to fill in the gaps). Then the media shoves this "new, big thing" down your throat - plastering their face all over the Internet and TV, giving them their own show on MTV, playing their songs into the ground on local radio; next thing you know you can't turn on the TV or radio or pick up a magazine without hearing all about "The Star of the Moment". When people start to lost interest, it's on to the next teen without pimples who can croak out "Mary Had a Little Lamb" or once had a spot on Kids, Inc. I've had it up to here with pop stars and boy bands and punk grrls and all the other bilge passing itself off as "talent" thrown at us today. The record companies wonder why CD sales are down - it isn't p2p file sharing, it's the fact that they no longer make music anyone over 12 with a brain would want to listen to.

So, any guesses as to how soon before Jamie Lynn Spears has her own show and is guest-starring on SNL? Someone's got to replace the tragedy that was Ashlee Simpson - and she already has the famous-sister factor going for her.

As for me, I think I'll sit back here and enjoy some good 'ole Dan Fogelberg. You know, real music by an actual talented person *gasp*. Just remember, there are some people out there that still write and perform their own music - these are the true artists. Support them and fuck the pretenders.

Duff Fluff Takes Over Blockbuster

Wednesday, October 27th, 2004

Last night I was very excited to go down and rent Dawn of the Dead at Blockbuster, which I've heard from numerous people was not only scary but "a really, really good all-around movie."

I left the store hating the entertainment industry, hating Blockbuster Video and hating every no-talent, fresh-faced bimbo and pretty boy picked off the street and falsely served up to the sheeple as "the next, new star".

It wasn't because all copies of Dawn of the Dead were rented out - which I wasn't happy about. No, it was the the reason all copies of Dawn of the Dead were rented out: there were only two shelves of the movie; around 12 or so copies. It was the fact that next to the sparsely-numbered copies of Dawn of the Dead were FIVE FRIGGIN' SHELVES of the new Hilary Duff movie. Five shelves. Of Hilary Disney-Fluff Duff.

Five shelves.

I don't know the title, I don't care to know the title, but why were there 3x's as many copies of Duff's flop as there were of this "really really good" movie that did at least fairly decent at the box office?

Duff-Fluff's movie, regardless of the many pre-pubescent and adoring fans she may have, did not do well at the theater. There can't honestly be enough "fans" of hers out there to warrant the number of this movie that sat on the shelves. Apparently there isn't because not all of them were rented out.

It's simply because she's Hilary. Hilary Duff, mind you - another vapid and talent-less wonder in the sea of crap "artists" that has become our entertainment industry.

Frankly, I find it very depressing.

Ashlee Simpson: A Waste of Flesh

Tuesday, October 26th, 2004

Really? Who gives a flying fuck? I mean, seriously, does she lip-sync or not? Is that a zit or a freckle on my ass? WHO CARES?! My pinky finger has as much or more talent than Ashlee Simpson and her I'm-so-ditsy-I'm-cute Barbie-reject of a sister.

The article:

Ashlee Speaks Out on Her Lip-Sync Scandal

October 26, 2004
Two days after a technical mishap left ASHLEE SIMPSON embarrassed and doing the hoedown in front of a live audience on "Saturday Night Live," the hit singer spoke out about her lip-sync controversy to our own KEVIN FRAZIER at the Radio Music Awards in Las Vegas.

"I'm a human being and things happen," she told Kevin. "Nobody's perfect. I mean, if you ever, like, go out to one of my shows or anything like that, I'm always singing my heart out. Something always happens to everybody but you just kinda gotta let it brush off and move on."

As her song started that night, the pop-star joked on-stage, "It's the wrong song! Just kidding, you guys!" She went on to sing "Autobiography" perfectly.

On Saturday, Ashlee ran into some technical difficulties on "SNL" as she launched into "Autobiography," when her pre-recorded vocal from her first song, "Pieces of Me," began playing. Embarrassed and not knowing what to do, she began a little hoedown and exited the stage while her band continued to play. At the end of the show, host JUDE LAW explained by saying, "What can I say? Live TV!" On Sunday, Ashlee's record company Geffen said the blunder was the result of a "computer glitch."

"I have severe acid reflux," Ashlee said at the RMAs. "And the day of 'Saturday Night Live' I actually completely lost my voice. In the rehearsals it was going great and then, you know, comes like four hours to the show and I lost my voice."

On Monday's "TRL" on MTV, Ashlee said she had a Cortisone shot, so her voice was back up to speed for that night's performance. Regarding her "SNL" blunder, Ashlee said, "I think all of us went into a state of shock," and, not knowing what to do, she started dancing. "I made a complete fool of myself."

Other performers on the RMA bill included TIM McGRAW, ALANIS MORISSETTE, ELTON JOHN and the reunited DESTINY'S CHILD, featuring BEYONCÉ. CARSON DALY and MOLLY SIMS hosted the event, which honored the performers' successes in radio. JANET JACKSON was also recognized for her contributions with the Radio Legend Award.

Honestly, people, seeing this kind of asinine tripe in the headlines is the reason I stopped watching and listening to the news.