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Archive for the 'Westbank Shopper Hotline' Category

Yard Signs & German Shepherds Irritate Ibervillians

Monday, July 17th, 2006

Time for some more laughs from everyone's favorite wacky Ibervillians and their great call-ins to Hotline:

Actions Not Unnoticed!

This is to the person who let their dog jump out the back of their truck at Wal-Mart and let it relieve himself on the tires of my SUV. I will hunt you down both you and your dog, and you'll both face charges of terrorizing my American made vehicle with your German shepherd. You're actions did not go unnoticed!

I'd like to know who's going around Iberville parish and teaching all of these cats and dogs to piss on unsuspecting peoples' tires. Obviously, this is a fairly common problem 'round these parts. I mean, when your tires aren't safe from urine even in a public parking lot...what is the world coming to?

One might be inclined to believe, if they did not know the area, that some of these must be meant in jest - that these call-ins are merely pranks and not to be taken seriously. I can assure you, however, that these people are more likely than not dead serious.

Pull the Signs!

I think we ought to pass an ordinance banning all yard signs, even those that urge we support our troops.  How much effect does a yard sign have on the war to begin with?  What all these yard signs are doing is cluttering up our streets, and hampering the natural beautification of our city.  When I see these signs along the streets, I remove them if nobody is watching, and I do it in the name of beautification.  But I can't do this forever, so I ask the Parish Council to do its part in banning yard signs so we can have a beautiful community again.  One day, you'll all thank me for this.

I wonder how "I did it in the name of beautification" will stand up in court when this yahoo is picked up for trepassing and stealing?

Don't you just have this mental image of some crotchety, old woman going around town in an old Buick, stopping and nabbing signs from peoples' yards?  You can just see her looking furtively around as she dashes back to her car and chunks said sign on the huge pile of stolen yard signs in the back seat?

Later, a sting operation is held to catch the person who wrote in to Hotline and outted herself as the Sign Snachter.  Yard signs are put in yards around town as decoys, and each is watched carefully by cops day and night.  Soon, she is caught!
As the now busted, granny Sign Snatcher is led away in cuffs, she yells out at the top of her lungs, "For beauty!!!"

At least, that's how I see it.

Humpday Hotline Hilarity

Wednesday, July 5th, 2006

Those silly folks over in Iberville Parish just keep providing us with more laughter. Get ready for some classic, knee-slapping Hotline Hilarity:

You're a Life-Saver!

I think the people who have vandalized the Water Park were actually doing a public service because if it looks trashed, that means fewer people will go and fewer people will be struck by lightening if standing on it during a thunderstorm.

*blink blink* Wha... No, wait, I ... *blink* I.. But...um... Yeah, fuck it, there are no words.

Bring In The Bats...

I hear that the parish is doing it again: spraying for mosquitoes. At the same time they're killing mosquitoes, they're also killing the ozone layer. If they'd invest in mosquito-eating bats to fly all over town, that would curb the city of its mosquito problem and at the same time, protect the environment.

Yes, but it does little to curb the sudden rampant rabies epidemic that will soon follow.

Big-thinkers, these Iberville folks.

A Great Day

I want to say that it's a great day in history when I see that gas is selling $3.00 a gallon. It's great because eventually, the American people will be fed up with the prices and decide that it's time to give up driving and start walking. And from the look of most Americans, they could stand to do some walking again.

Well, pal, you're idea of a "great day" and the rest of the world's are obviously quite different. Expensive gas and having to walk over 10 miles to work doesn't exactly count high up there with "the best days of your life" to most folks.

See, the Ibervillians have it all figured out - mosquito-eating bats and walking will solve so many of the major problems plaguing us today. And vandalism, heck, that's just a frown turned upside down - there's a positive in that; even a life-saving one!

What about education? We know it isn't anywhere near the best in 'ole Louisiana. What say the wise people of Iberville to that?

What do you think? Screw education and open up a Bass Pro Shop!

We Need Bass Pro!

I've been hearing on the new that Denham Springs might not be able to get the Bass Pro Shop because the taxpayers don't want the money to be taken from education. Well, if they don't want to take it from the schools there, bring it to Iberville Parish and use school board money from this parish. Iberville Parish would really benefit from Bass Pro shop. Besides, we can clearly see that even with all the money we're putting into the system, but not getting the results. Let's put the money into something that will improve the economy, give fishermen something to be proud of and something that can teach kids about fishing.

Well, at least they got the part about not seeing any results from the current education system right.

Fuck This Shit

Thursday, June 15th, 2006

No, I'm not really pissed off (amazing, isn't it?) but it is - admit it - an attention-grabbing title.

My sis, being the awesome person that she is, has provided me with not one, not two, but three Westbank Shoppers from which I can share with you the sad, sad state of the ignorant Southern mind. Be afraid; be very afraid.

There are many great Hotline call-ins in these issues, but I'll milk this out and just give you just one - a teaser, if you will - to start:

Cat-Astrophe

I'm calling to complain about my neighbor and his cat that sprays my tires every night. I want to let both of them know that I'm aware of what they're doing, and they will pay. I'm going to get myself a male cat, and I'm going to train him to spray your tires. There, smoke that in your pipes!

As usual, the sheer stupidity of these call-ins nearly stuns me into wordless astonishment.

So this neighbor, purposefully, goes out every night with his cat and they both (which is how it reads) pee on this person's tires?  Obviously that isn't happening, but still, does this individual honestly believe that the neighbor has somehow trained his cat to piss in a specific place - every single time?

Let's say he does believe this insanely preposterous idea - his intention to buy a male cat and train it to whiz all over the neighbor's tires just blows my mind.  I've yet to meet the person that could train an un-neutered, male cat to mark his territory on command and in a specific place.  If he can accomplish this, he's smarter than he comes off in this rant.

The cat goes outside and pees.  It's what cats do.  Generally, if there are tires in the vicinity, cats pee on them - and anything else nearby that may be standing still.  I don't know why male cats like to piss on tires; I'm not a male cat.  But I can safely say that the male cat in question does not have some ulterior motive in mind when he's marking this guy's wheels.  He's not in cahoots with his owner to urinate all over the caller's tires in defiance;  he sure as hell isn't thinking, "Boy this will sure piss that idiot off" while he's peeing.  He's a cat.

Smoke that in your pipes?!  That's fucking hilarious.  To the asshat that called this in, what in the hell were you smoking in your pipes?

More Hotline Hilarity

Wednesday, May 31st, 2006

Often I will feature complaints called or mailed into Hotline; a farcical Op-Ed featured in a small, local and free paper distributed to the denizens of Iberville Parish here in Louisiana.

The complaints range from outrageously ludicrous to frighteningly pathetic. If you'd like to check out some of the old ones, you can view the Westbank Shopper category, or the page I've put together on my website to display them, Hotline Hilarity.

Adding to previous Southern-ignorance, I'd like to share with you Ban Them and Protect Us!

Ban Them and Protect Us!

I want to complain about a couple stores here in Plaquemine selling a DVD of a certain movie called "Brokeback Mountain" that played in theaters last Christmas. I think they need to do something to ban that DVD from being sold here. What's to say the children won't get hold of it. And it's not like adults need to witness that kind of immoral garbage either. I know some of you complain that it's a violation of your right to choose, but sometimes your choice is not morally correct. That's why it's important that someone make the decision to stop you from taking that route. So I say ban the DVD - and any other immoral trash - from being sold or rented out in this parish. I know what's morally right, and it's my mission to purify all of you.

Wow! Don't you feel better? Don't you feel safe knowing there are people out there like this trying to "purify" you and disallow you from making "morally" incorrect choices in life? Aren't you blessed to have someone that considers it their personal "mission" to keep you on the "morally correct" path - a path that you, you heathen, can not help but stray from? Only people this determined, pure and free of sin know what's right and what's best for you. Isn't it great that they believe forcing their beliefs and moral code on others is imperative? I, for one, know I can sleep better at night now!

What's truly terrifying, in all seriousness, is that there are people that do believe this way. Perhaps even more disturbing is that there are legions of people that believe this way; some of them happen to be running our country.

In closing, let's remember that "Brokeback Mountain" was, essentially, a movie about love. I see absolutely nothing immoral about that.

Hotline Hilarity – The Westbank Shopper Gets Its Own Page

Friday, February 17th, 2006

You all remember "Hotline" from the small paper. Well, it's garnered its OWN PAGE on my site. Check it:

Hotline Hilarity

You guys have read all the others here on my blog, but the * ones are all *new*! Enjoy!

Some People Shouldn’t Be Allowed to Breed

Wednesday, February 2nd, 2005

When you are backing your car out of the carport and hear an astonishingly loud plop plop and look up to see that a bird has suddenly had severe diarrhea on your windshield and driver's side window, you have to wonder what kind of omen it is for the day ahead.

Time again for another edition of reader's letters to our now-favorite rag, The Westbank Shopper (really, these are starting to deserve their own *page*). These are some gems - let me rip them a new one piece by piece - my comments in italics:

Don't Force Tolerance! Heaven Forbid We Practice that Love Thy Neighbor Crap!

I heard somewhere that they were going to make our kids adhere to some kind of "no-name calling" week.

Yes, the "No-Name Calling Week" put together by the Gay Lesbian & Straight Education Network out of NY is something we should ban. Of course, even though it covers ALL name-calling, we sure wouldn't want to teach our children not to make fun of others or belittle those they feel are "different" from them. I mean, what kind of children would we be raising? Kind, loving, accepting and understanding ones? Screw that!

I think this is all about giving the liberals anything they want and trying to bury the notion that Americans are great people.

There go those damn liberals again - wanting everyone to love one another and treat their fellow humans with humanity and compassion. I mean, where's the sense in that?! Don't you know Jesus was just JOKING when he said that shit? He didn't *really* mean everyone was equal and you should love and help out others. You really thought he came down to Earth to forgive everyone's sins? No, that was a *joke*! Jesus was just making the rounds on a comedy tour. Duh.

We don't hear anything about stopping people in Iraq from hating us.

And how would we go about that? Create a "Say 'I Love Americans' or Get Shot in the Head" day? Personally, if we cared about the Iraqis hating us, we wouldn't have went over there in the first place.

But as Americans, we're all wrong. How do you like that? This is just another way to give acceptance to people who don't fit in, and are trying to force us to tolerate them!

Because, omg, giving *acceptance* to people who *don't fit in* would be the end of the world as we know it. Tell me, moron, what defines someone who "doesn't fit in"? Would this be someone that doesn't agree with *your* values and morals? So you're saying we should "not tolerate" and demean those that are "different" in YOUR eyes? The whole world should hate the people you hate, correct? Frankly your fear-based ignorance is appalling and if *anything* should not be tolerated in this country it is the bigoted, self-righteous bilge that comes out of boorish brains such as yours. Suck on that.

Did you people maybe think that these "so-called victims" were misfits of society who refuse to conform to good, clean American living?

Good, clean American living then, by your definition, constitutes shunning those that aren't ultra-conservative Christian bigots like you and your kind? Good, clean American living is, then, living a life that is in direct opposition to the teachings of the religion you so fervently cling to? Americans should be, in your opinion, spiteful, hypocritical ignoramus? If so, then you're doing an outstanding job at being an American; keep up the good work.

Get Out of Our Schools! Sponge Bob is SOOO Gay!

I fully understand the anger over the cartoon character "Sponge Bob" and others and how they're using this to bring into schools to tell our kids to understand kids who are different.

Lovely grammar there, darling. In light of it, it isn't at all surprising that you "fully understand the anger over the cartoon character 'Sponge Bob'". I sincerely hope your parents didn't waste too much money on your "education".

What they're really saying is that you have people who are living in lifestyles non-conducive to Christianity, it's not really a bad thing.

Who is really saying this? Sponge Bob? Sponge Bob is telling you and your children not to be Christian-like? That's amazing, really. I think it's absolutely hilarious that you people think S.B. is homosexual because he holds his friend Patrick's hand. No really, it's a hoot. Ever heard of "grasping at straws?" No? Try this one on, then: You morons are teaching your children that every time they grasp the hand of a playmate of the same sex THEY ARE GAY. And you're worried about the message these *cartoons* are spreading?!

That's why I won't let my kids watch Sesame Street or these others shows that try to shove diversity down our throats and make us adhere to what liberals want us to accept as normal behavior.

No, sweets, the reason you don't let your children watch Sesame Street is because you're an idiot who's so worried about teaching your children to shun people who think or act differently you don't even notice your own hypocrisy against the very God you claim to worship. "Normal behavior" is being nice to others and accepting of *everyone*, regardless if they think, act, dress, eat, sleep and/or FUCK differently than you; this isn't a "liberal" concept - it's called humanity. And seriously, if watching a television show forces you to act other than how you normally would, you might just want to consider throwing out the TV set completely.

I honestly believe the reason we have the tragedies and disasters we're having today is because god is fed up with the way we're straying away from his path and if this school system brings that Sponge Bob garbage into my child's classroom, I'm pulling him out the school system and suing the school board.

You do that - you sue the school board and home school your child so he never has to hear about Sponge Bob Square Pants again. That makes absolute sense to me. You are right about one thing, God/dess is fed up with the way you and those like you are straying from His/Her path. He/She - It is fed up with you smearing It's good name with your hate-mongering, your chastising and your condemnations. Every time you spread fear, hate and hurt "in God's name" you are making a mockery of God and the very foundations of the "teachings of Christ" you claim to hold so dear. People like you are the reason I stopped calling myself a "Christian".

These letters really angered me. For parents to deny a "No-Name Calling" week because it might make it seem OKAY to be NICE to gay people or those that are "different" hurts my very soul. I'm not gay, but in school I, like many others, got picked on and called names because I was "different" - because I didn't "fit in". Kids can be cruel and that's a given - but when the parents are egging them on, teaching them to mistreat and outcast others it almost seems as if all hope is lost. It is not - not EVER - okay to hate someone because they don't "fit in" to your neat little package of "what should be" or "what is acceptable".

And I'm not saying all of this because I'm a "liberal" or a "non-Christian" but because I'm a human being and why would I shun and condemn my fellow brethren so harshly simply because we aren't the same? Who are you to say your way is the right one and who are you to cast out and injure those that don't agree? Who are we to pass judgment on anyone else? We all live in glass houses, my friends.

The Westbank Shopper Returns

Wednesday, January 19th, 2005

People of Iberville Parish, for the love of all things holy and sacred, please, stop drinking the water!!!

I am convinced that the majority of Ibervillians are either insane or are completely lacking the sense god gave a goose; or a snail, for that matter.

To prove my point let me regale you with another "Hotline" letter from the now infamous Westbank Shopper:

Remember Them...

I'd like to remind everyone that we've lost 25 Louisiana soldiers. While you people are sitting at home watching garbage like "Desperate Housewives", take a moment to think about them. Everything people say about Democrats is true - they are liberal and their Communist. Case in point: our esteemed governor, "Queen Bee" herself, is going to make a trip to Cuba to promote Louisiana goods and services. We don't need no trade with no Communist country. We don't need their Godless money. We can sell our stuff to the Mexicans. We need to impeach the goveernor because she is a closet Communist who wil probably fall for that Cuban lothario Castro and end up becoming the queen of Cuba.

People from Iberville parish, mainly Plaquemine, are a strange lot. They bitch about not having enough jobs, but go up in arms when things like airports or new plants offer to come into the area for fear of it encroaching on hunting land and bringing uncouth persons to the area. They believe people should be able to shoot whatever they want on whomever's property, and there is not a week that goes by that they don't complain about the barking dogs in some neighbor's yard (I'm imagining this is the "animals" they'd like to shoot "on other's land"). They think that Liberals and firecracker stands are the devil and anyone who isn't Christian should be hunted down during deer season. Now, apparently, they also believe that our governor is not only a Communist, but the soon-to-be Queen of Cuba. Amazing. I'm amazed - aren't you amazed?

My sister says, when she sends me this stuff, "be merciless" - but do I really have to? With such blaring stupidity what more can I say? These people mock themselves just by opening their mouths.

Don't tax us again...

A couple of weeks ago I read a column in the Post/South talking about cuts to the Veterans Adminisration. Well, the writer of this column is probably using this as an excuse to speak out against the war. These people are fighting to protect our freedom, and they're volunteering to do it. Nobody told them to. I appreciate what they're doing, but it's not like we have a draft anymore. If people listen to folks like Mr. Dupont saying we should raise taxes to give more money to the Veterans Administration, then the same people are going to be saying we need to raise taxes for something else. I think the writer of that column is just another 'tax and spend' liberal who wants to punish the wealthy. The government needs to treat the Veterans Administration the same way as a business - run it efficiently, and then there won't be the cries for more money.

Heaven forbid the wealthy use their money to help others - much less others that fought and died so that you could spend that money as you so chose. I fail to see how being liberal has anything to do with the belief that we should support our vets.

First off, Miss Know It All, did you know that most of the Louisiana boys we've lost to the war were National Guard? Don't tell me they volunteered with the idea that they may be sent off to war someday. No, we don't have a draft "anymore" but a lot of the vets you're claiming we shouldn't help were drafted - my grandfather, for one. They didn't choose to get sent to war - but they went, they fought, some were wounded and some never came home. If we don't take care of our vets, above everyone and everything else other than our children, then what kind of a country are we? If it weren't for them we wouldn't have the freedoms we take for granted; such as the one that allows you to stand up and bash the true heroes of our country. You appreciate what they do, do you? Has anyone in your family ever gone to war? Do you know anyone personally that is fighting in this war now? My guess is no, otherwise you might not be so quick to throw out such ignorant judgements.

Aren't you jealous, dear readers, that you don't live in such an interesting state? And won't you be all the more jealous when we join forces with Cuba and are more powerful than any of you? From there we'll spread out like a disease, starting firecracker stands in the other 49 states, destroying airports and factories and spreading the hunting land, we'll lock all non-Christians in closets and free the priests from the camps. Soon we will wipe out all those that don't believe as we do - all of the Satanic, firecracker popping, Communist Liberals who don't own guns. Be afraid - be very afraid.