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Archive for the 'Query Me' Category

Bill Gates Giving Away Money

Tuesday, November 8th, 2005

Oh, and to the genius that found this blog by typing is really bill gates paying money for fowarding a message into Google:

Yes, of course, he is!

You should also know that Applebee's is giving away thousands, possibly millions, of dollars to people in rural areas; George Carlin and/or Andy Rooney are the authors of every seemingly sardonic, vituperative email you've ever received; many associations donate a few cents towards a dying child for every email of theirs that you forward; and people drop like flies after viewing a doctored photo of a now-dead tourist in the Sundarbans.

Really.

Possibly one of the greatest search engine queries yet!

Tuesday, August 2nd, 2005

I'm not making this up nor did I add anything to it.  This is exactly what this person typed into Google:

help me, i don't know how to google b/c i'm a fucking idiot.

Tampons

Monday, April 18th, 2005

To the genius from San Antonio, Texas who found this blog by typing "teen toying herself with a tampon" into Yahoo! search:

I hate to burst your bubble, but that's not what they're used for.

Ashlee Simpson’s Ass Cleavage

Tuesday, March 22nd, 2005

To The Person Who Found My Website by Typing "ashlee simpson's ass cleavage" Into a Search Engine:

You are fucking sick.

It’s All Mitch’s Fault

Friday, March 11th, 2005

It's Friday night.

I am supposed to be out having dinner with my charming boyfriend.

I am, instead, sitting here listening to a Mitch Hedberg CD (thanks Lance), and poking around with my stat counter.

I guess it could be worse.

Lucky, too, for you, since I found a few blog-worthy oddities that I felt like sharing.

You know how a link to your page on a Search Engine will have little sentences from your page/site underneath it in lieu of a description (b/c I'm usually too lazy to write one)? I found this stringing together particularly hilarious:


... Paris Hilton is ... is not supposed to be that color... She looks like a ... one-legged, hunchbacked, hair-lipped gnomes with psoriasis ...

Ha.

Ha Ha.

I also found an interesting search query. Apparently someone is worried about the negative effect that McDonald's having on the family unit:

mcdonald's tearing apart families

"Define cuntrag" is still there as a used-to-find-me query, but if you try to type it directly into Google I'm not even on the 2nd or 3rd page now. Wtf? I don't understand how that works.

There was a query that came in via AOL Search but it was [encrypted by AOL]. So I clicked on it and the exact search page came up with the query term typed in the search box. Nice encryption there, AOL.

I am slowly starting to realize how very difficult it is to type a blog entry while there is a comedian going on in the background. Not b/c I'm listening to the jokes (I've heard it 3x's already tonight - thank you, Baret), but b/c it's hard to think straight while someone is talking in the background. So if this entry makes no sense and is lacking in pithiness, blame it on Mitch.

Define “Cuntrag”

Thursday, March 10th, 2005

Did you know that Google thinks this is the definitive place to learn the definition of "cuntrag"? Apparently I alone am keeper of this illustrious definition because if you do a search for "define cuntrag", this blog is the first thing that comes up.

Now if you just type "cuntrag" I'm about 3rd on the list (still impressive). Apparently I'm quite an authority on the word - just because I used it in a sentence or two. Or three.

It comes from one of my infamous road rage rants wherein I called a woman who almost hit my car a "stupid fucking cuntrag whore"; I do have a way with words when I'm angry, don't I? And I called her this not once, not twice, but third-time's-a-charm-thrice. Because she pissed me the fucking hell off. Oops, sorry.

Cuntrag. 'k&nt 'rag, (n)
A person, usually of the female gender, who cannot drive and proves this by swerving into your lane and almost hitting you despite the fact that your blaring horn should be alerting her that she is about to cause an accident.

Also, simply, a woman who cannot drive. Can also apply to females talking on the phone and driving poorly because of it.

Wanna know about cuntrags? See me.

(11 March Update: A day after writing this I was no longer the #1 find for "cuntrag". Such is Google-fame: so short-lived).

Get Your Tickfaw Pussy Right Here

Tuesday, June 22nd, 2004

I had to share with you the latest (and greatest) new search queries:

Someone found this cozy little blog by typing in "tickfaw pussy". I don't know what a tickfaw pussy is, and I really don't want to.

And for the person that happened by looking for "dracula baby-eating bitches" - get some help. Perhaps you won't need as much help, though, as the sick fuck searching for "dog fucking children". Can someone please tell me how they end up HERE?! You see, if I ruled the world, people such as that would be shot in the stomach, dumped in a ditch and left for dead; no questions asked. Sick fucks.

As for the person who wanted to know "why cajuns cannot get along with rednecks?", I'm afraid I'm not really at liberty to say. You see, some of my family are rednecks and the other half, well, they're coonasses (that would be Cajuns for you non-Southerners) - according to my father, this makes us "redasses"; so you see, for obvious reasons, I must remain impartial.

Those of you eager to see "shanna's farmer show" are just going to have to wait a little longer. Some issues with the director...

I really still can't figure out what the person who typed "asses fuck and D.H. Lawrence" was looking for. Any ideas?

Last but not least, I still can't fathom why someone wanting pics of hot housewives is going to be looking for them in Baton Rouge. "baton rouge housewives pics" - is there some big demand for this that I don't know about?

Abso-fucking-lutely amazing.

I've said before & I'll say it again:
There are some strange people in this world; and they all have Internet access.