Not but two weeks ago I'd started posting in here about a huge event in my life. At a sudden phone call, I'd stopped but now would like to repost it and get some feedback (if you don't mind?).
16 Jul 2003
Waiting. It sucks ass. Right now I am waiting on something most people never have to wait on - something that will change my life forever. As of three weeks ago, I've been waiting on a paternity test. Not for me - I don't have kids (think about that, now); but to learn which of my two dads is really my dad. Pins and needles doesn't really describe it. I really am just trying not to think about it - but as the date the results are supposed to come back in (today or tomorrow) looms large, I find myself getting antsy.
Picture it - Baton Rouge, Louisiana, February 1977 - it's a lovely moonlit nite and two young and star-crossed lovers are consummating their passion for the last time. Little, love-child me was conceived that nite - in the back of a Chevy van parked on the levee along the Mississippi River. So what went wrong? How did this little seemingly delightful-sounding-hippie-conception take such a dark turn?
The doomed lovers in question were my mother and her high school sweetheart, who had tentatively parted ways. The third player in this little drama is what changes our little tale from a happy Sunday family movie to a twisted clandestine Lifetime drama; my Dad. And so our cast is complete Mom, K., Dad and, eventually, Me. Mom, at this time, had fallen head-over-heels for my Dad and they were dating. Naturally, the little reunion between his girl and her former guy did not make him happy, but he forgave her. A few months later when she came up pregnant, he married her without a thought and claimed the baby was "his - without a doubt".
Fast-forward 18 years. Me finds out from Mom about the affair and the possibility that Dad is...not. Me is shocked - naturally. Mom recalls a dream Me had at the age of 12 - that K. was following me around trying to tell me something. At the time, I thought it odd to be having a dream about a man I'd never met. Mom tells me she has always believed I was really K.'s - and that I look like him and act like him. This makes sense, as I'm very different from my more conservative siblings.
This it-could-be-and-most-probably-is went on, untouched, for over seven years. I always longed to know the truth, and to meet K. I saw him once, at my cousin's football game, and knew whom he was from across a football field! It was bizarre, but I can only explain it this way: the way he held himself (walked) was oddly familiar. I realized, it was the way I walk. This past April, due to a string of incidences, I came to meet K. We hit it off immediately - and both felt a definite bond with the other. It was July before we could afford to get the paternity test done to know for sure, but no one doubted it.
That is where I left you when I started this post; I am continuing it now. We did some mail-order paternity test from the Internet. In hindsight, maybe not the best idea, but it seemed to be very reputable; and it was about $300 cheaper. K. told me that - no matter what the results said - he still wants me in his life and I told him I felt the same. The anticipation was killing us, so Mom called the company and asked what the results were "so far". Imagine all of our shock when they said, "He's not the father." It just made no sense. My Mom had believed it with all of her heart - and mothers know. We all had. Even my friends who hadn't met K. were shocked. Everyone thinks we should do it again - legit and at a place here in Baton Rouge. We are going to do so.
It was funny because all three of us were so worried about how each other was going to take it. Surprisingly, we're all okay. As I told them that evening, "Friends are the family you choose." It all happened for a reason and we all came into each other's lives at this point and time because of that. Of course I'm disappointed, and yes, it hurts. For 18 years I believed one thing, then for 7 more I believed another. Now I don't know what to feel. It's not that I don't love my Dad completely, and I'm unhappy to be of his blood; not that at all. I suppose, unless it's something you've experienced, it really can't be explained. It's still, ultimately, been positive though. I have a great new friend and his family still wants to meet me, and accept me. The whole thing is still confusing - I do look like him and we do have a lot in common. But, I just felt like getting it all out...so thanks for taking the time to read it.