I feel love-struck today. And not in the way that I'm smitten with someone, or falling head-over-heels for a new crush. I mean struck as if I've been hit. Smack - love has a helluva backhand.
Just when I think I have that ellusive ideal of Love down, it metamorphoses into something else. Not that I think *anyone* will *ever* get down the definition of Love; but personally speaking. When I think I've figured out what Love is to me, in my mind and in my life, what I want from it and what I expect from it, what I think it is and how it effects me the whole thing goes topsy-turvey and I'm left more confused than when I began.
There are three main players in my Love drama; the Ex, the One I Can't Be With, and the One I Love But Know I'll Never Be Happy With.
The Ex is my ghost - I can't be rid of him. We have a deep bond and a stronger connection. He completely fucks my life up every time he comes around (which is sporadic at best - he's a wanderer). I'm not the same person around him; he must've cast some voodoo spell on me all those years ago. He's like a bad drug habit that I can't kick. I hate him as much as I love him; which hurts him. But how can you not hate someone that throws your life and mind into complete turmoil simply by their very presence?
The One I Can't Be With. What else is there to say? I'm always plagued by the fear that our fathomless love for the other is borne more of the fact of our circumstances than because we truly are soulmates. You always want what you can't have. But the truth is, since the second I first became accquainted with him, he mesmerized me; and I, him. Everything I'd dreamt up about my dream man when I was a little girl - it's him. I can't put into words the connection we share or the deep knowing in my heart that he is "the one". My Virgo Moon makes me over-analyze it all of the time, though. He is the one I would marry; and I don't even believe in marriage. He is the one I could spend the rest of my life; and can't. It's as simple as that. We keep up our disjointed and distant relationship extremely well under the circumstances; we always will. But he's the one I want above all others - and he is the one I can't have.
Now, the One I Love But Know I'll Never Be Happy With is my current tentative-boyfriend. I say tentative because we broke up this past February, but remained friends. In reality, it never really seemed that we parted ways other than the fact that once the title of boy/girl-friend was lifted, we got along splendidly. Lately, all of a sudden, there's been a shift and I think he's falling for me all over again. He's all sweet like he was when we first met - and I'm so happy, because I've always loved him. Not in love with him - but I love him. The thing is, I know that won't last - that initial bliss. I know that, in the end, we're not, never could be, really happy with each other. There are big differences. It's one of those cases where "love is not enough". It's the saddest thing I've ever had to deal with. Sadder than losing the Ex (which almost killed me), and sadder than not being able to be with the other (which kills me daily). It's sadder for the fact that you grow up enough to realize that love is not enough. That no matter how much you love someone, you know you won't be happy with them for anything very long-term. That is so sad. I think we'll be together for a long time, I do - but I can't see myself marrying him; even if I wanted to. It just wouldn't work.
Anyway - this was weighing heavily on my mind this morning. I haven't heard from the Ex in over a month - and had an awful dream that he went far away from me. I'm fighting with The One I Can't Be With, and the situation with the One I Love But Know I'll Never Be Happy With has been nagging at me. Well, no one ever said love was easy, right?
Reminds me of a quote I came up with during the re-birthing period I went through after the Ex and I parted ways.
"Love kills the weak; Love frees the strong."