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Archive for September, 2003

In & Out

Monday, September 29th, 2003

Forgive my absences - probably going to be a few of those in the coming weeks. Just a lot going on, and I'm not dealing well. It'll all work out - no doubt - it always does. Right now I'm just going through it pretty tough. I'll keep you posted.

Some Laughs, Some Tears

Sunday, September 28th, 2003

My favorite two junK/spam emails subject lines today:

I cannot believe a 18 years old girl can handle a horses **** in her! Watch this...


Fwd: Farmsdaughter takes 20inch horse shlong

I'm unsure why, but almost every sexually over junk email title has been about horses and farms lately...please tell me this isn't happening in just my inbox.

I know most of my posts lately have been deep and appreciate-your-life type stuff. Understand that this battle with my leg is even more mental and emotional than it is physical. And while I hate to do it again, I just had to post about this young girl I know.

My family had a birthday get-togther yesterday to celebrate my mom, brother and first cousin's birthdays (which are all just days apart). My sister got a phone call from a friend who had just come from Mandy's house.

We grew up around Mandy - we sat in the same seat on the bus with her for years, her little brother and my little brother were good friends, and she's only a year older than my sister. Yesterday was her 23rd birthday, and she was supposed to be getting married in November.

Why I can't get Mandy out of my head is that she most likely won't live to see the month of November. Her young body is completely eaten up with cancer - she has it in her rectum, her colon, her lymph nodes...and somewhere else I just can't recall. They decided against a surgery to remove her rectum, as they felt it would just put her through undue stress, but she is on chemotherapy. My sister's friend said she looked horrible, and just sat there; obviously extremely depressed.

Gods, the world can be so cruel! I can't get her off of my mind...such a young life completely over. It's just so terribly sad.

Nothing else exciting to report for this weekend. The family get-together went off without much excitement. At least, no drama to report.

I plan to spend the day playing NWN and Everquest, and some point get off my lazy ass and run to Books-A-Million and get Laurell K. Hamilton's A Kiss of Shadows because it looks very good. I'm trying to write more, and to be a good writer you have to read.

The season premiere of Charmed comes on tonight, so I'll be glued to the TV around 7pm (what an odd thing for me to say - I normally abhor television). That's pretty much it for my Sunday-day-of-rest plans.

Letting Go

Wednesday, September 24th, 2003

Been very busy, but didn't want you to think I'd gone away forever. Thinking of re-vamping the whole look of this page; just because I have the designing bug. I thought, too, of renaming it. Is there some rule against changing the name of your blog? I was struck with an idea and might go with it.

Anyway, there is a point to this non-sensical ramble. Just wanted to drop a quick hello and post something I wrote in a letter to a friend...just because it's something I felt as if I should share. (Forgive the first-draft quality - it was written rather quickly)....

I’m reading one of McWilliams’ other books, Life 101, and it’s very good; very simple yet insightful. The whole first chapter is about life’s lessons and how there is a lesson in everything, no accidents, etc etc etc. And as I’m reading this, I’m thinking about people who don’t get that yet. How hard life must be for them – I remember my thoughts on it all before I learned that it was all on me and up to me, and everything was a lesson and a chance for growth. I was angry; had the whole “why me/poor me� syndrome going on. Now it’s “ok – what can I do to change this and what can I learn from it?� I see every “bad� thing in my life as a blessing; a chance to grow and be better. But for those that haven’t yet learned that pearl of wisdom, life must be very frustrating and difficult. I realized how very lucky I am to have learned that wisdom already – otherwise I would be in an even worse state about this whole leg thing. I would be thinking “Why did this happen to me? Why couldn’t I have just gotten over the surgery like everyone else?� Those things would’ve plagued my mind so badly, I’d of had an even harder time at recovery. I realize that it is a very important thing to learn – to stop blaming outside forces and “fate�, to realize the chance you’re being given to grow, to understand that the “bad� stuff is only good stuff behind a mask. Even better stuff, actually, than the plain and obvious “good� stuff. I just always took for granted that I knew that (had learned it – I didn’t always know it), but I see now how important it was; how important it is for everyone to realize this. It would make everyone’s lives so much better – if they stopped digging their heels in and resisting – stopped fighting the bad events that are plaguing them and learn to work through them and use them to grow stronger. It's just my hope that everyone learns this lesson - and will be able to enrich their lives because of it.

Classic “Just Bloggin'” Post

Friday, September 19th, 2003

So yesterday I went to the dentist. I haven't been in years (bad Shanna), so it was rather unpleasant. I go back in three months for another check-up and cleaning.

Now my mouth feels weird - all clean and kinda sore. I'm doing my best to get it back to feeling like normal by consuming large amounts of junk food, liquor and cigarettes. Things will be back to normal soon enough.

It's FRIDAY!! And you know nothing, except the season of autumn, can make me quite as unexplicably excited. And it's payday. Well, slap me silly and call me Susan. Where in the hell does that statement come from?

I'm getting my hair cut this weekend. Hip-hip-hooray! And I plan to invest in a new color (most likely some form of red, as usual lately). You know, getting my hair cut is a simple pleasure that I enjoy oh-so much. I love it; just makes me feel so good.

Wish I had more to report, but life is...well, it's life. It goes on. I'll probably post something later on today, or this weekend. 'Til then, have a *great* one everybody.

Well, Does It?

Friday, September 19th, 2003

So I guess my quick question this morning is, does hearing Bush now say there are no links between Saddam and 9/11 change your views on our invasion of Iraq at all?

Oh, Those Evil Video Games

Thursday, September 18th, 2003

I read in a random blog I found (Monkey Pee Monkey Poo) about this ('Grand Theft Auto' makers sued over teenage killing').

This kind of stuff gets me so angry. I agree completely with James that the fault of this is on the parents.

For starters, I own Grand Theft Auto: Vice City, and I've played a lot of Grand Theft Auto 3. The game is bad; violently speaking. There is a damn good reason it is rated M for Mature. Who bought this game for these children? It's not made for children - not in the least. Maybe they played it at a friends house? Then who bought it for those kids? Sue them, not the makers of the game.

The fact remains, regardless that these children never should've even seen GTA, much less been allowed to play it, there is no one to blame here but the parents. What kind of a child are you raising that thinks it's a-okay to kill another human being because they saw it on a video game??? What type of unstable children are you raising that they can't tell the difference between fantasy and reality? What well-raised child is going to think it's okay to hurt and kill just because they saw it on the screen? Don't give me that bullshit about violence in the media! No - the problem is parents today.

We were raised playing computer and video games - some violent, some not. None of us ran out and mowed down innocent passers-by in a hail of bullets. My parents played D&D, even with us sometimes (heaven forbid), and none of us turned out to be evil, animal-sacrificing, blood-drinking, devil-worshippers. We were raised being allowed to watch just about anything on TV, as long as it wasn't overly sexual, and none of us three thought that it would be okay to do the things we saw on TV! Because it wasn't real - and in real life, you don't shoot people, you don't beat people and you don't use the shit you saw on TV as an excuse when you did do wrong. If we had been so stupidly inclined, the whipping from Dad would've knocked those ideas right out of our young heads. I knew that if I did wrong, I'd be whipped and I'd be punished. And if I tried to use the lame-ass excuse that I "saw it on TV", I'd be whipped twice as hard for being stupid.

These people who are sueing the game makers are pointing fingers to take the blame off of themselves. You raised a child that killed an innocent man - and you're saying it's someone else's fault. Maybe if you'd been better parents, your child would have known it's a bad thing to kill people - no matter what he saw on TV or played in a game. That's the problem with parents today - they want to blame everyone and everything else instead of looking at their own parenting skills. It's not Eminem's fault little Mikey curses and acts like a thug. It's not Capcom's fault your kid is shooting up the neighborhood. It's not Jackass' fault that your kid was dumb enough to douse himself in gasoline and light himself on fire. It's your fault.

If people would stop trying to blame everything under the sun that's present in our society today for the spiraling downfall of our younger generations - if they would take the time to raise these children - it could get better. As long as we're looking in the wrong direction as to the source of the problem, nothing will ever change. A video game does not make a child a killer. Bad parents do.

P.T. Sucks

Wednesday, September 17th, 2003

I don't like Wednesdays; only because I have therapy on Wednesdays. No, no, not head therapy, physical therapy for my leg. We had a really good session last week - this huge POP/CRACK when a major adhesion broke. My goal is to be walking by Christmas, and right now I've been trying to walk on just one crutch. It's not easy when your leg hasn't supported any weight in over a year (it's gotten much smaller than the other leg). It's hard to put weight on it, also, because it's stuck in a bent position. Very hard to walk when you can't straighten the damn thing. But I'm determined - every day a little more - and I know I will get through this. I cannot accept defeat or failure - to do so would mean I'd be crippled for the rest of my life. And I can honestly say, having been so for over a year, it's no walk in the park. I always respected those who were handicapped in any way - whether they could not see, could not walk, could not use their arm. I have an even deeper empathy and respect for these people now. Every single thing they do every single day - small things we take for granted like curling into a ball and sleeping at night, walking outside to get the mail, being able to sweep the floor, just getting around the office where you work - are huge challenges. Nothing is simple when you're incapacitated. These are beautiful, remarkable people just for getting up and facing each day anew - a day that will always present a new challenge in the form of something they once did without thinking.

When I can walk again, I will never gripe about having to park too far away - in fact I'll park far away on purpose, just so I can walk. I'll never hate doing housework again - I'll be so glad I'm just able to do it. A week won't go by that I don't make sure I go for a walk in a park and enjoy the world around me. Every single night that I go to sleep and am able to curl back into my favorite sideways-fetal position, I will thank the gods. Oh, how I miss sleeping comfortably. Going through something like this teaches you that you must never take anything for granted - anything ever. I feel so very lucky - quite blessed even - to have been faced with such a challenge in this lifetime. Because of it I will be stronger and have an even greater compassion and empathy for my fellow man. I will cherish the simple things in life - playing hide and seek with my godchildren, taking a walk, working in my garden, being able to sit cross-legged again. Things I cannot do now - things I have to fight and struggle to be able to do again. Because of that I will have a deeper appreciation for the simple things - for the things that we all take for granted. You begin to realize that everything is a blessing, and no matter how bad you think your life may be, you are blessed by many, wonderful things. The ability to see, to hear, to speak, to touch, to feel, to move, to smell, to walk, to think. You may not count these among the things you are happy for - or as reasons that your life is fine. But you need only to think about losing one of them and you will realize that life has been good to you.

So today, think of all of your blessings, and thank your personal god or gods for them. Run and play in a park today - smell the flowers - see the green grass and smiles on people's faces - listen to the sounds around you - talk to someone you've never met - and think about how good your life is and how blessed you are. You see, it's the simple things that matter and when you change your perspective, the big things don't seem so bad anymore. 🙂