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Archive for January, 2004

Boys Are Stupid – For Real

Saturday, January 31st, 2004

Finally, a news article that I really can rag on. Boys Are Stupid Clothes Line Has Some People's Panties in a Wad (my own title).

In case you're not in the mood to read the entire article, I can sum it up for you nicely. T-shirt company david & goliath made radio personality, Glenn Sacks cry.

Mr. Sacks, who is a proud spokesperson for "men's rights" (first time I've heard of it, too), claims the chief designer, Todd Goldman, of a particular line of the company's t-shirts (that would be the "Boys Are Stupid" line) has gone over the line. Mr. Goldman's "quirky" sense of humor plays on the young teen girl mindset that boys are icky & have cooties (the mindset right before they decide they want to have sex with the same previously-and-once-icky-boys). Mr. Sacks, who says he doesn't want to seem like a "humorless zealot" says he "doesn't get the joke".

We should start this off by saying that Glenn Sacks is not a humorless zealot, he's just a wuss. I think the shirts, with slogans such as "Boys Lie - Poke 'Em in the Eye", "Boys Are Smelly - Throw Garbage Cans At Them", and "Boys Have Cooties", are rather cute, and I can easily see how young teen girls would think the same and like to wear them. Apparently, however, Mr. Sacks is convinced the evil t-shirts are "wrong" and has even swayed enough opinion over his way to have several chain stores take down the clothes!

We're at war, people are dying and starving all over the world, and Russell Crowe was injured on a movie set in Australia, and Glenn Sacks has taken up this as his personal crusade? There are a million wrongs and injustices in the world, yet Glenn Sacks cannot abide by young girls wearing t-shirts that say "Boys Are Stupid".

Obviously Mr. Sacks doesn't have a daughter, otherwise he'd be joyous that she thought boys were stupid. He'd be buying her as many t-shirts as she wanted. "That's right, honey, boys do have cooties. Never touch one."

These shirts are harmless. There's no way they are going to turn any hormone-tweaked teenage girl into a boy hater once the early stages of prepubescent lust have entered her system. Trust me. And it's not like the shirts say "Boys Are Stupid - Stab Them To Death with a Blunt Butter Knife" or "Boys Have Cooties - Stick Their Fingers in Meat Grinders". I once owned a shirt that said, "If We Mate, I Have to Kill You" with a little spider on it. It didn't mean that I hated boys, or that I literally ate my male partners have a good romp in the sack. It was a joke; a tongue-in-cheek slogan like the ones that appear on thousands of shirts around the world. Mr. Sacks probably would've pissed his pants had he seen that one. No, more likely, he just wouldn't have gotten it.

One has to wonder if Glenn Sacks was beat up by girls in high school. Anyone else think so?

As for me, I ordered "Boys Lie - Poke 'Em in the Eye" and plan to order "Boys Have Cooties" for my seven-year old god daughter's birthday.

Jesus vs Islam

Wednesday, January 28th, 2004

This is one of the dumbest fucking emails I've ever gotten. Perhaps what makes it even more aggravating was what the person wrote that sent it out:

"The reason I am forwarding this e-mail is that it contains some "basics" I feel everyone should be aware of."

When you read the email, you might understand why this makes me so ticked.

The (stupid) email:

Allah or Jesus?
By Rick Mathes

Last month I attended my annual training session that's required for maintaining my state prison security clearance. During the training session there was a presentation by three speakers representing the Roman Catholic, Protestant and Muslim faiths who explained their belief systems.

I was particularly interested in what the Islamic Imam had to say.

The Imam gave a great presentation of the basics of Islam, complete with a video. After the presentations, time was provided for questions and answers.

When it was my turn, I directed my question to the Imam and asked: "Please, correct me if I'm wrong, but I understand that most Imams and clerics of Islam have declared a jihad [Holy war] against the infidels of
the world. And, that by killing an infidel, which is a command to all Muslims, they are assured of a place in heaven. If that's the case, can you give me the definition of an infidel?"

There was no disagreement with my statements and without hesitation he replied, "Non-believers!"

I responded, "So, let me make sure I have this straight. All followers of Allah have been commanded to kill everyone who is not of your faith so they can go to Heaven. Is that correct?"

The expression on his face changed from one of authority and command to that of a little boy who had just gotten caught with his hand in the cookie jar. He sheepishly replied, "Yes."

I then stated, "Well, sir, I have a real problem trying to imagine Pope John Paul commanding all Catholics to kill those of your faith or Pat Robertson or Dr. Stanley ordering Protestants to do the same in order to go to Heaven!"

The Imam was speechless.

I continued, "I also have problem with being your friend when you and your brother clerics are telling your followers to kill me. Let me ask you a question. Would you rather have your Allah who tells you to kill me in order to go to Heaven or my Jesus who tells me to love you because I am going to Heaven and wants you to be with me?"

You could have heard a pin drop as the Imam hung his head in shame.

Chuck Colson once told me something that has sustained me these 20 years of prison ministry.

He said to me, "Rick, remember that the truth will prevail."

And it will!

The truth will certainly prevail, Rick. And the truth is, I doubt seriously that you stood up at some religious convention and with your pearls of wisdom and bright-burning truth made someone suddenly hang their head in shame of a religion that they have not only been practicing all of their life, but that is also a religious leader of such religion. I'm surprised you didn't write into the story that you got a standing ovation.

And what kind of crap is this anyway - Jesus vs. Allah? I didn't know there was such a competition. What is this? Jesus 2, Allah 0?

And before we get all haughty over "killing non-believers",mister, realize that you're treading pretty damn close to hypocrisy here. It wasn't that long ago that Christians burned supposed witches at the stake, and put to death thousands that chose to worship other than their own belief system.

This email just pissed me off! What kind of an idiot do you think I am that 1.) I actually would believe such bilge truly took place and 2.) there is anything valuable or important or even basic that I must learn from this crap! All I see is another big-headed Jesus freak that is actually making a mockery of Christ and being the shining epitome of the hypocritical Christian. No, not all Christians are this way, and I hope that my Christian friends realize that I know this. But it is ones like these that threaten to burn down New Age bookshops, that propagate hate and judgement against others, and create websites with URL's like godhatesfags.com. And that, my friends, gets me mighty pissed off.

On a non-religious note, I have another i.t. pet peeve. I think I need to make a list of these "The Top Ten Things That Piss I.T. Tech's Off". Today I would like to add to the list the people that call me, or come to me, and say, simply, "My computer is broken." Stop - end of sentence. No explaining what the problem is, no telling me even what part of the computer is malfunctioning. It's as if they think I am some sort of pyschic pc-guru who can magically read their minds. I always have to prompt them with, "Okay. What's it doing?" Shouldn't this be the first thing they tell me anyway? Do you bring your car to the mechanic and say, "It's broken" and leave it there? Or do you give him some sort of explanation, "It's making this weird clicking noise everytime I change gears". Do you go to the doctor and say, "I'm broken"? Or do you give him a list of your symptoms so he can make a good diagnosis? Same thing with computers, people. I cannot touch the machine in front of me and suddenly know what ails it.

And I would just like to say that I feel oh-so sorry for all of those living up north right now. You couldn't pay me a million dollars to exist in such a climate. Not that it's exactly a picnic living in a state where it can go from 30 degrees to 70 degrees in one day (no, I'm not making that up), but there's no way I could live in a place where it's cold - freezing-ass, mind-numbing, teeth-chattering, even-my-damn-asshole-is-cold cold! Uh-uh, no thank you. So, to all those that do, you have my condolences (and warmest wishes).

Until later...

Along Came Polly…and Thankfully Left

Sunday, January 25th, 2004

A word to the wise...

If you have an inkling to go to the movies and, for whatever reason, decide on "Along Came Polly"...don't. For the love of god, see anything BUT "Along Came Polly". It's quite possibly the first time in years that I actually wanted to walk out of a movie.

Summing it up in a few words, I would have to say "tried too hard" would fit appropriately, and "SUCKED BIG MOTHER F'ING DONKEY ASS" might be putting it lightly. But, that's me.

The Drive Home

Thursday, January 22nd, 2004

A few things of note, on the commute home.

I was behind this huge, maroon Lincoln Town Car. Whilst waiting at a red light, I tried to decipher their license plate, which read "CHOKOLIT". My post-work brain churns at a slower pace than at peak hours, so it took me awhile to realize it said "Chocolate" and not "Choke On It". Looking up for the first time to see its occupants, I expected to see a black person who was proud of their ethnicity and claimin' it; I wasn't prepared to see an old white-haired couple wearing spectacles.

However, nothing could have amused me more than the young fellow mowing the lawn of a small eatery next to the highway. Might I add, at quitting time, this is a busy (in other words, LOUD) highway. Add this to the fact that he was on a (LOUD) ride-mower and one has to wonder how he was able to hear any of the conversation coming from the cell phone glued to his ear. I know people do just about everything while yakking on the phone these days, but mowing the grass? Trust me, dude, you're going to have to call back anyway, because unless you have the hearing abilities of a canine, you missed the majority of that conversation. I'd put money on it. Put the cell phone down.

So how is everyone planning to spend the Chinese New Year? For us on this side of the planet, the New Moon (and therefore, the CNY) was actually yesterday. But my friends and I celebrate it every year at the same time our Oriental brothers & sisters do. We'll be drinking it up at our favorite Chinese buffet restaurant, The Great Wall in honor of 2004 - The Year of the Monkey. Did anyone else notice the cute little monkeys adorning the "Google" search page?

So I'm off to take a nap before the evening's festivities - it's going to be a late night. My sweety returns late this evening from a three-day jaunt out of town on business, so I'm crossing my fingers that I'll be up all nite havin' some good, old-fashioned, baby-I-missed-you sex. (Keep your fingers crossed for me!)

It’s So Long!

Wednesday, January 14th, 2004

I really hate to do this again so soon, but I had to share this "Search Query" find. It's not that someone found my site (again) by typing this in, it's not that I seem to be the haven for information on every particular junk email subject that goes around - it's just that, did they really have to put every-single-piece-of-their-query in there? I mean, I didn't even know a Search box could hold that many characters!

a navy officer sent this letter to 13 people and he was promoted. a business man received this letter and threw it away - not believing in it.. and he lost everything he had within 13 days.. it reached a laborer and he distributed it to 13 people.. he was

Someone has way too much time on their hands.

And since I'm sharing, I've also found these new ones floating around:

pics rosa parks went she young - was she hot or not? Someone wants to know.

barn dog anima - I really don't want to know what they were really searching for. Do you?

And my personal favorite,
elmo ebay picture tit - Huh?

Oh, and did you hear? Bush is now trying to invade the Moon!

I’m Dumb

Tuesday, January 13th, 2004

What a weekend I've had!

First, you've got to hear about my latest blonde moment. Remember when I went to the wrong doctor's office and locked my keys in my car? This almost tops that.

I decided, on the spur of the moment, to go to the movies Sunday night. Alone. I've always wanted to go to the movies alone - I don't know why - but I'd never gotten around to it. I decided this was the nite. I had 20 minutes to get ready and get there (it isn't far from my apartment), but I also had to stop and get gas in the car. I thought about waiting on the gas until after the movie, but I didn't feel like possibly getting stranded at the theater (Irony #1).

By time I got to the theater, I was in a mad rush. I made a hasty decision to leave my purse and only bring myself and my cash. I was in such a hurry that one thought zoomed through my mind as I shut the car door - "you just locked the keys in there". Oh well, no time to worry about it now. I went in and watched "Cold Mountain" (very good - just don't go see it if you're already kind of down - it's rather depressing) and came back out to hunt down a payphone. Not wanting to get stranded at the theater indeed. It took 30+ mins for my rescue to come.

You see, I was in Baret's car - but my car keys were on the same keyring as the ones locked in his car. He had to get one of my friends to come pick him up and bring him to the theater - thankfully he had an extra key for his car.

Irony #2 - The Main Irony of the Night - had to be the gigantic poster ad that I couldn't stop looking at in the theater lobby as I waited. It was for a Mazda vehicle (of course) and said in big, white letters: LIGHTS. CAMERA. CAR KEYS. Cute.

Yesterday I had off from work - yea! The reason was the inauguration of our new governor, Kathleen Blanco; Louisiana's first female governor. I thought it was pretty cool that she said her vows in English and Cajun French - a heritage that is truly dying from our state.

Baret had to be present at the ceremony, and he called me about mid-day to inform me that a particular crowd had arrived that I might have an interest in.

"They're here," he told me.

"They who?"

"The crazy Christian people with the crazy signs - from the website."

I knew exactly who he was talking about - my old friends at Westboro Baptist Church. We'd spent a holy Sunday perusing their site - and laughing our asses off (mixed with a good bit of honest bewilderment). These people...how can I find the words?

If you're curious as to what they're all about, I believe their URL sums it up nicely:
godhatesfags.com. Yes it is, and yes, they do.

They seem to think being gay or being accepting of gay people is the #1 worst sin that can be committed. They readily admit that, to them, God is not Love, God is Hate. They are also anti-American - some of their signs are upside down American flags. You might remember them from their picketing at the funeral of poor Matthew Shepard. Why would they put this poor family through more torment - what could the possibly have to say of such a tragic event? Well, I think this sums it up pretty well.

Our wacky friends at Westboro Baptist Church claim in their "Purpose" statement:
"GOD HATES FAGS" -- though elliptical -- is a profound theological statement, which the world needs to hear more than it needs oxygen, water and bread."

Yes, now knowing this, I, too, no longer feel the need for air or sustenance. It must be a miracle.

Truly, these people are demented. If you want a hoot, take a moment to check out their FAQ.

And what, you may ask, were the asshats of WBC doing picketing the inauguration of Louisiana's governor? I don't follow politics, but my best friend (who is gay) told me he read that she is all for gay rights. That's enough to bring the the freaks a-callin' - resplendent with their "Thank God for 9-11" and "Fags Burn In Hell" signs a-wavin'. What I wonder is what the fucktards would've done had they realized they were standing across the street from Baton Rouge's biggest gay neighborhood?

Really, I don't have to dog on 'em all that much - they make themselves look worse than I ever could, talented wordsmith or not. The scary thing is that there are gullible enough idiots out there that listen to and follow this man. I'm not Christian, so it's not for me to say - but if I were, I would be infuriated that such hateful people smeared my religion's name by calling it their own.

And I must leave you with this thought-provoking license plate that I saw yesterday. It said only:

4 Bush

As I sat and pondered over exactly which p-word representation of "bush" he was referring to I realized - either way you look at it - that's a pretty twisted thing to put on your license plate.

Ejaculating Females Here

Friday, January 9th, 2004

I always wanted to know - how do people find me? I installed a stat counter on this site last month that tells me what people are typing into search engines to find me. I figured, after reading the results on others' blogs, this would be a hoot. As always, the rest of the population leaves me much to laugh at.

So, without further adieu, search engine queries that wound some poor soul up here.

The two biggest draws, of course, are shanna (usually people searching for porn star shanna moakler) and anima (probably people searching for tool-related things). Not so obvious, though, is coffee anima. This one stumped me for the longest. Coffee anima? Wtf is that? Apparently the perversion of my mind is slipping some. After doing a similar search, I came across a blog where someone was talking about coffee enemas...mispelled (to indicate pronunciation) anima. Oh...I see. A coffee enema people? Come on now. Do people really do this? Of course, after learning about wolfbagging online, I now know that people do just about anything you can imagine when it comes to sex & kink. And now that I've actually written out "coffee enema" on here, I can only imagine the hits I'm going to be getting.

The ones I like are the people who type entire sentences or phrases into a search engine. For example, give me some pictures of anima is going to yield the same results as "anima pictures", no? There was also depressed having to go back to work after vacation - weren't we all? - and a navy officer sent this letter to 13 people and he was promoted - referring to, still, one of the biggest search queries for this blog - sundarbans picture dead.

I can usually muster a guess as to what people were really searching for when they typed something certain in. But fuck sweety movie, hit alt-8, and shanna way have me stumped. Any ideas?

There are some that I know for sure came due to past posts: anima christmas pictures , smooshed fairies, dining mombo table set, makin magic headstone game , and saddam captured figurines. But when did I ever talk about anything even remotely resembling photo ejaculation feminine?

I'd have to say one of my favorites, however, was bored people pics. Is this some type of new sex kink or strange photo genre that I'm unaware of? Pictures of bored people...I don't know, sounds kind of, um, boring to me.

I would take a safe guess that googly sex pics is a hit from someone catching my link to Rose's blog (who I have to say a big CONGRATULATIONS to along with Ravyn today!)

And, last but not least, the poor individual who was searching for, simply, horndogs. Found one here, I gotta say.

I hope everyone has a kickass weekend - more from this vulgar, little Scorp soon.