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Archive for September, 2004

Digestive Advantage Changed My Life

Thursday, September 30th, 2004

I want to thank you Ganeden Biotech - makers of Digestive Advantage LI. No, I take that back - I want to throw my arms around you and shower you with utter adoration and smother you in a million kisses! Aside from the distasteful-sounding name, you have created a product that is more priceless than the purest gold - more remarkable than the first steps taken on the moon. My first born henceforth belongs to you.

Since the age of 14 I have suffered from a particularly acute case of Lactose Intolerance. To make a medical-break-down much simpler, I cannot digest dairy products. Most LI people simply cannot have a glass of milk, or maybe even a slice of cheese - it might give them some uncomfortable gas or even the runs. I, however, being the extremist that I am cannot even eat bread because of the nominal milk sugar (Lactose) that is present in the form of whey. Eating even a slice of bread or a seemingly harmless Pop-Tart without first imbibing my Lactaid pills would, within three hours time, have me in the bathroom feeling as if I'm dying from food poisoning. Even whey will give me cramps-worst-than-childbirth and diarrhea that only half a bottle of Kaopectate and a complete hour of not-moving-my-body-even-the-slightest-inch-lest-it-should-start-again can cure. No one has known diarrhea like me. You're talking to a person that used to keep a bottle of Pepto Bismol (for smaller bouts) and one of Kaopectate in her car - and also a set in the bathroom and another set in her purse. From 1991-1993, I alone was responsible for every bit of Kaopectate's revenue.

So my history with Lactose Intolerance has been a bumpy one. At this late date, 13 years into the game, taking Lactaid pills before just about everything that goes into my mouth has become part of every day life. I no longer think about it - grabbing a pack of pills before eating is second nature now. That doesn't mean it isn't still a pain in the ass.

Having such a bad case, I have always had to take the maximum number of pills - that's 6 pills of regular strength Lactaid and 2 pills of Ultra Lactaid. I now only take Ultra, but who wants to take 2 pills when they just want to try a bite of someone's snack, or have one or two cookies? Many times I've refrained from snacking or sampling foods simply because it wasn't worth the hassle to hunt down a glass of water and down two pills for a small amount of food. 2 or 6 pills for one cookie or a piece of cake? I don't think so.

Which brings us to now and the company known as LI. A few weeks ago I was at the local Walgreen's, looking for the generic Lactaid-brand (regular Lactaid is very expensive - I'm an Equate-if-I-can kinda gal). A box sitting among the various Lactaids caught my eye - something called "Digestive Advantage LI". I honestly couldn't believe my eyes when I read:

Digestive Advantage LI is a one caplet per day treatment for lactose intolerance. It provides relief for the full range of lactose intolerance symptoms. You can eat as much dairy as you want as often as you want. You do not have to worry about taking a pill every time you eat. One tablet in the morning and you are protected all day...

Whatthefuckdidyousay??! One pill a day to eat whatever all day long??!

You can imagine my reaction. If this was true - and if this product worked for me, it would be like a miracle!

There was a money-back guarantee, but the box was only around $5 so I bought it. It was a few weeks before I got to try it out as I wanted to make sure I was at home with no plans the day I ate my first bite of dairy food with no pill prior - just in case it didn't work.

I started off small - with the whey-stuff. A sandwich was my first risky eat - I was so nervous. It was like going to work naked not taking a pill before eating that thing! A few hours later I had a messed up stomach and bad gas. Thankfully, this magic stuff could be taken at the first sign of symptoms and they would go away. It worked! The box had said that extremely lactose intolerant people (i.e. me) might have to take two pills a day, so I decided I'd try that next.

I am happy to report that I am now taking 2 Digestive Advantage LI pills every morning and am able to eat whey foods without pill popping first! This may not seem like a big deal to some of you, but it's changed everything for me. Snacking on a few cookies or enjoying a candy bar without hunting down Lactaid pills or searching for a drink of something to swallow them with is such a joy.

I'm still so very leery about trying it out with actual milk products and I'm so terrified of milk itself I will probably never drink it again; to me it's akin to poison. I still take Lactaid pills for the "heavy stuff" but I really don't mind. Just having the burden of not being able to snack or enjoy some sweets or have cake at the office during parties has made me so happy. Also, I'm saving money not having to buy Lactaid (even the generic off-brands) anymore! A box of generic Lactaid Ultra that I normally got was about $8/pop. I went through so much having to take it with nearly everything I ate I was buying two of those a week. That may not seem like much, but it adds up when you're on a limited income.

So, to make a long explanation and adoration short, thank you thank you thank you Ganeden Biotech. Not only for the amazing product you've made that has made eating normal again for so many people, but for everything you stand for. Really, check out this company's website - they're doing this to help people, not for profit.

For those of you with irritable bowel syndrome, there is also a Digestive Advantage IBS. It may just help you like this one has helped me!

So there's my testimony and my praise and my thanks!

More Than You Wanted to Know

Wednesday, September 29th, 2004

The More You Know... More Than You Wanted to Know...

Remember those little commercials that would come on between Saturday morning cartoons that taught a nugget of totally useless knowledge? Inspired by a recent Family Guy re-run I saw, I thought I'd start a periodical (read: whenever I feel like it and likely pretty rarely) segment on this blog based on that. More Than You Wanted to Know will be me expounding on some rare and totally extraneous fact that some of you probably would've rathered not knowing; others may find the random, worthless information helpful and/or even entertaining.

I thought I'd start our first-ever piece off with a few facts on the phenomenon known simply as wolfbagging. Here is a detailed look inside this bizarre practice...

More Than You Wanted to Know - Wolfbagging

Wolfbagging is not, as some people have alleged, having sex with a wolf inside of a large bag. While that makes a bit more sense than the actual definition of the word it is still a false interpretation.

Wolfbagging is a more of a kink than an actual fetish. If you've spent some time mucking around the Internet, you're likely already familiar with the term. For those that aren't, "wolfbagging" is the colorful term for a particularly remarkable method of triggering anal contraction.

The procedure consists of the target person swallowing a piece of bacon on a string. No, you read that correctly; the person swallows a piece of bacon...on a string, yes. I'm sure other substances and foods could be substituted, but fundamental wolfbagging calls for bacon-on-a-string. Once the bacon is securely lodged in the throat and the string is, presumably, hanging from their mouth at an appropriate length, the partner begins sodomizing the target person in the regular fashion. At the apex of orgasm, the partner alerts his mate, who promptly yanks on the string - bringing up the bacon and anything else that might happen to be floating around inside the stomach. While this obviously has scant pleasurable effects for the puker, the tightening of the anal muscles during the heaving process creates quite a grip on the now orgasming partner/puke-inducer.

And that, folks, is a more detailed description of wolfbagging than you ever wanted to read. While not something I'd ever have a desire to try out myself ("Can't I just cough really hard, baby?"), I am still enthralled by the inventiveness of my fellow man. Someone actually thought this up - and a few other someones all found it so helpful that it became a known word and practice on the World Wide Web. People do this - enough people do this that it has a name. Wolfbagging. Wow.

And now you know.

Have You…(I Have)

Monday, September 27th, 2004

I'm such an idea-whore lately - and Rose is my pimp. First I borrowed her boob-name post, and now I can't resist nabbing this super cool meme. I promise, original content coming soon!

In the meantime, the bolded items are things I've actually done in this lifetime:

01. Bought everyone in the pub a drink
02. Swam with wild dolphins
03. Climbed a mountain
04. Taken a Ferrari for a test drive
05. Been inside the Great Pyramid
06. Held a tarantula.
07. Taken a candlelit bath with someone
08. Said 'I love you' and meant it
09. Hugged a tree
10. Done a striptease
11. Bungee jumped
12. Visited Paris
13. Watched a lightning storm at sea
14. Stayed up all night long, and watch the sun rise
15. Seen the Northern Lights
16. Gone to a huge sports game
17. Walked the stairs to the top of the leaning Tower of Pisa
18. Grown and eaten your own vegetables
19. Touched an iceberg

20. Slept under the stars
21. Changed a baby's diaper
22. Taken a trip in a hot air balloon
23. Watched a meteor shower
24. Gotten drunk on champagne
25. Given more than you can afford to charity
26. Looked up at the night sky through a telescope
27. Had an uncontrollable giggling fit at the worst possible moment
28. Had a food fight
29. Bet on a winning horse (even if it was only $1)
30. Taken a sick day when you're not ill
31. Asked out a stranger
32. Had a snowball fight
33. Photocopied your bottom on the office photocopier
34. Screamed as loudly as you possibly can
35. Held a lamb
36. Enacted a favorite fantasy
37. Taken a midnight skinny dip
38. Taken an ice cold bath
39. Had a meaningful conversation with a beggar
40. Seen a total eclipse

41. Ridden a roller coaster
42. Hit a home run
43. Fit three weeks miraculously into three days
44. Danced like a fool and not cared who was looking
45. Adopted an accent for an entire day
46. Visited the birthplace of your ancestors
47. Actually felt happy about your life, even for just a moment
48. Had two hard drives for your computer
49. Visited all 50 states
50. Loved your job for all accounts
51. Taken care of someone who was shit faced
52. Had enough money to be truly satisfied
53. Had amazing friends
54. Danced with a stranger in a foreign country
55. Watched wild whales
56. Stolen a sign (the Mile 420 marker in Texas on our way to Cali)
57. Backpacked in Europe
58. Taken a road-trip
59. Rock climbing
60. Lied to foreign government's official in that country to avoid notice

61. Midnight walk on the beach
62. Sky diving
63. Visited Ireland
64. Been heartbroken longer then you were actually in love
65. In a restaurant, sat at a stranger's table and had a meal with them
66. Visited Japan
67. Benchpressed your own weight
68. Milked a cow
69. Alphabetized your records
70. Pretended to be a superhero
71. Sung karaoke
72. Lounged around in bed all day
73. Posed nude in front of strangers
74. Scuba diving
75. Got it on to "Let's Get It On" by Marvin Gaye
76. Kissed in the rain
77. Played in the mud
78. Played in the rain
79. Gone to a drive-in theater
80. Done something you should regret, but don't regret it

81. Visited the Great Wall of China
82. Discovered that someone who's not supposed to have known about your blog has discovered your blog
83. Dropped Windows in favor of something better
84. Started a business
85. Fallen in love and not had your heart broken
86. Toured ancient sites
87. Taken a martial arts class
88. Swordfought for the honor of a woman
89. Played D&D for more than 6 hours straight
90. Gotten married
91. Been in a movie
92. Crashed a party
93. Loved someone you shouldn't have
94. Kissed someone so passionately it made them dizzy
95. Gotten divorced
96. Had sex at the office
97. Gone without food for 5 days
98. Made cookies from scratch
99. Won first prize in a costume contest
100. Ridden a gondola in Venice

101. Gotten a tattoo
102. Found that the texture of some materials can turn you on
103. Rafted the Snake River
104. Been on television news programs as an "expert"
105. Got flowers for no reason
106. Masturbated in a public place
107. Got so drunk you don't remember anything
108. Been addicted to some form of illegal drug
109. Performed on stage
110. Been to Las Vegas
111. Recorded music
112. Eaten shark
113. Had a one-night stand
114. Gone to Thailand
115. Seen Siouxsie live
116. Bought a house
117. Been in a combat zone
118. Buried one/both of your parents
119. Shaved or waxed your pubic hair off
120. Been on a cruise ship

121. Spoken more than one language fluently
122. Gotten into a fight while attempting to defend someone
123. Bounced a check
124. Performed in Rocky Horror
125. Read - and understood - your credit report
126. Raised children
127. Recently bought and played with a favorite childhood toy
128. Followed your favorite band/singer on tour
129. Created and named your own constellation of stars
130. Taken an exotic bicycle tour in a foreign country
131. Found out something significant that your ancestors did (Founded Beauvais, France)
132. Called or written your Congress person
133. Picked up and moved to another city to just be with the one you love
134. ...more than once? - More than thrice?
135. Walked the Golden Gate Bridge
136. Sang loudly in the car, and didn't stop when you knew someone was looking
137. Had an abortion or your female partner did
138. Had plastic surgery
139. Survived an accident that you shouldn't have survived.
140. Wrote articles for a large publication

141. Lost over 100 pounds
142. Held someone while they were having a flashback
143. Piloted an airplane
144. Petted a stingray
145. Broken someone's heart
146. Helped an animal give birth
147. Been fired or laid off from a job
148. Won money on a T.V. game show
149. Broken a bone
150. Killed a human being
151. Gone on an African photo safari
152. Ridden a motorcycle
153. Driven any land vehicle at a speed of greater than 100mph
154. Had a body part of yours below the neck pierced
155. Fired a rifle, shotgun, or pistol
156. Eaten mushrooms that were gathered in the wild
157. Ridden a horse
158. Had major surgery
159. Had sex on a moving train
160. Had a snake as a pet

161. Hiked to the bottom of the Grand Canyon
162. Slept through an entire flight: takeoff, flight, and landing
163. Slept for more than 30 hours over the course of 48 hours
164. Visited more foreign countries than U.S. states
165. Visited all 7 continents
166. Taken a canoe trip that lasted more than 2 days
167. Eaten kangaroo meat
168. Fallen in love at an ancient Mayan burial ground
169. Been a sperm or egg donor
170. Eaten sushi
171. Had your picture in the newspaper
172. Had 2 (or more) healthy romantic relationships for over a year in your lifetime
173. Changed someone's mind about something you care deeply about
174. Gotten someone fired for their actions
175. Gone back to school
176. Parasailed
177. Changed your name
178. Petted a cockroach
179. Eaten fried green tomatoes
180. Read The Iliad

181. Selected one "important" author who you missed in school, and read,
182. Dined in a restaurant and stolen silverware, plates, cups because your apartment needed them
183. ...and gotten 86'ed from the restaurant because you did it so many times, they figured out it was you
184. Taught yourself an art from scratch
185. Killed and prepared an animal for eating
186. Apologized to someone years after inflicting the hurt
187. Skipped all your school reunions
188. Communicated with someone without sharing a common spoken language
189. Been elected to public office
190. Written your own computer language
191. Thought to yourself that you're living your dream
192. Had to put someone you love into hospice care
193. Built your own PC from parts
194. Sold your own artwork to someone who didn't know you
195. Had a booth at a street fair
196: Dyed your hair
197: Been a DJ
198: Found out someone was going to dump you via LiveJournal
199: Written your own role playing game
200: Been arrested

And yes, I am better - no more illness here. Thanks to ALL of you who sent well-wishes.

A River of Pus

Thursday, September 23rd, 2004

I feel like dog poop. I feel like I have a river of pus just resting on my lungs, my head is throbbing right between the eyes, I'm very nauseated, and my entire body just feels ick. That's right, it's time for my twice-a-year I'd-rather-staple-my-pinky-to-the-wall-than-go-through-this-again sinus infection.

I get this damn thing the beginning of every spring and the beginning of every fall now. When I was younger I never had sinus problems, but as my adult years go by it gets a little worse with each. Could be this lovely Louisiana pollution we breathe in everyday (do you have any idea what the cancer rate in this state is?). I don't think anyone who lives here has anything close to perfect sinuses.

So I'm utterly miserable right now. I've been feeling bad all week and knew it was my sinuses, but I woke up today feel absolutely wretched. I called in to take the day off and plan on calling my doc at 8am sharp. Hopefully, seeing it's the same-old-thing I always go in for, he'll just call me in some 'scrips (antibiotics & decongestant) and I won't have to go in.

It doesn't help that I was up from 2:30-4:00am with an upset stomach and suffering a panic attack - yeah didn't see that one comin'. It was one of the worst ones I've ever had, but I always get them if I wake up with a stomachache. So saying I didn't get the proper rest last night that was needed in my growing-sicker-by-the-day-state is an understatement.

So I'm going back to bed 'til 8 and we'll see where we go from there. Hope the rest of you are faring much better.

I.T. Techs with Boobs…That Have Names

Wednesday, September 22nd, 2004

Thanks to Rose for the link/idea:

Your Boobies' Names Are: Bambi and Thumper

At first I wasn't going to post it; was just curious to see what my tits might be named but those particular monikers brought back a story I thought I'd share.

My parents brought to my first movie, Bambi, when I was but a toddler. Apparently I enjoyed it a little too much because they say as soon as it ended and everyone began piling out of the theater I took up an unholy howl, "It's OVER!!!" The ending of something good was just too much for me it would seem. Everyone walking past smiled at me and my parents almost apologetically. My Dad was pissing himself with laughter but my Mom, who is inherently shy, was mortified.

So I thought Bambi & Thumper were appropriate titles for my breasts.

Before I go I have two new IT-funnies to share with you:

1. I'd just issued a laptop to a new employee and provided him with all of his passwords. He called me up the next day to ask me:

"Hey, this password you gave me for my email account. Do I have to type the whole thing in?"

I was tempted to just say "Nah. We just give you all those superflous characters to throw you off."

2. This same guy called a few hours later complaining that his dial-up connection wasn't working. After seeing that he was doing everything right I asked him what he had plugged into the laptop to dial-up with.

"Oh," he said, "My cable modem."

Which might be why the phone connection profile going through the phone modem wasn't working. I tried to explain to him why this wouldn't work but he just kept saying, "I know that - but I want to use my cable modem; it's faster."

I Have a Headache

Tuesday, September 21st, 2004

People let me tell you something: 40 hours of gameplay in one weekend is not a smart idea. In fact, I highly recommend you do not do this.

I still have a headache today!

I'm still trying to get my mind straight with the whole ban on gay marriages and everything gay-marriage-related in this state. I cried when I read the results and it hurts me in so many ways. I'm furious, disappointed, saddened, and despondent. When will this end? I'm in the process of creating this huge essay that compares this discrimination to women & blacks not being able to vote and blacks being kept as slaves. By today's standards these things seem barbaric - the way these people were treated and the rights that were denied them. But it wasn't that long ago and when you think about it, what's different about how homosexuals are being treated now? What? You think it's all discrimination and no violence? Need I remind you of a young man named Matthew Sheppard? We've got a long way to go in accepting our gay brothers & sisters, even with all of the advances we've made in the past few years. But it will happen - if we all keep fighting - it will happen.

Injustice, in any form, is something I'm very passionate about.

On a lighter note, I've been meaning to share with all of you The Mystery of the Yellow Tea Rose. Two weeks ago some mysterious person left a yellow tea rose on my desk at work! We still don't know officially who did it, but we've got a pretty good idea. And it's not the kind of person you want leaving roses on your desk - or leaving you roses period. Lucky me, right?

Today is my Mom's birthday. Happy Birthday, Mom!!

I leave you with this thought that has been in my mind lately - if a copy machine is called a copier, why isn't a fax machine called a faxer?

Inquiring minds want to know.

A Sad Day for Love & Equality

Monday, September 20th, 2004

Louisiana Voters Decide on Same-Sex Marriage Amendment

I'm not surprised, but disappointed. I was expecting it, but it still hurts.

I'm hoping for the results to be scrapped - to have another vote. A lot of New Orleans' voting spots didn't have voting machines due to delivery being screwed up by Ivan. The majority of Louisiana's gay population is in New Orleans, so how can that be fair? If a huge chunk of one side didn't get to vote because of the weather (some who left the area decided to stay away the entire weekend to avoid the coming-back traffic), how is that a fair vote?

Louisiana already has a law acknowledging only male & female marriages, but this new amendment goes even further. Louisiana now, also, will not acknowledge out of state gay marriages nor will it accept or allow civil unions. For a state with a heavy gay population, this is devastating. How can we discriminate like this? How can those who believe in this ban sleep at night - is securing "a place in heaven" justice enough to promulgate such prejudice?

Perhaps it's naive of me to think it should be any other way. We live in a world filled with bigotry, discrimination, ignorance, & hate. It's okay to hate gay people because they're different. It's okay to discriminate against gay people because they're different. It's okay to go against Love & Equality because people think god prefers it that way. Human beings have an aversion to things they don't understand - to things that are "different". What was I expecting exactly? That this would suddenly change?

Forgive my bitterness - being reminded what a hateful world we sometimes live in bruises my very soul.