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Archive for November, 2004

Parking Lot Philosophers

Monday, November 29th, 2004

Not much to say and even less time to post it, so I thought I'd share with you this piece from my website that I've put together. Spam Recycled (yes, these are all real). My comments in italics.

I've gotten lots of these "dogfart skanks" ones - what IS a "dogfart skank"? Can someone enlighten me?

Make it So big she'll bleed!
I'm sure that you'll get lots of women that way - we love being ripped open.

correspond with attreactive Russian women
...that can't spell.

It may not do much else, but won't your friends be jealous?

RE: Your sister is in this adult flick!
That's sure going to make me click right away! Who thinks these things up?

my summer at the farm...i got pics!
Somehow I don't think these are your average, down-on-the-farm, family photos

There's that word again

Is this some strange fetish I don't know about? Seeing "snobby" girls getting screwed??

I guess this would depend on WHAT celebrities are involved

That somehow seems painful

Where did you go? I'm all naked for you! from YummyNicole0000
Where I'd go? Where in the hell did you come from?

As opposed to those expensive ones you have to buy at Wal-Mart. This one came from someone named BIGGER_PENIS

Even dumber than the person who doesn't know the correct usage of the words "your" and "you're"?

Super Blue Stuff Pain Relief - On Sale Today!
For some reason, I think I'd be better off in pain.

Roar, baby.

Naked and nude? What are the chances??

Earnest's nude pics! OMG!
OMG - the idea of someone named Earnest in the buff scares me; what about you?

Touch my hole
Um, no - ugh

For the murder enthusiast

Russian Women Won't Take You For Granted
So order one for your home today

Mike, here’s my Viagra guy
Take me to your dealer.

Now there's a greeting

dick slurping young ones
Young what? Aliens? Hippopotamus? Amoebas?

Lezbos go for the pussy licking award
Isn't that right after Miss America?

Real Woman ready to cheat
...and so desperate she has to find a partner to do so with online. Sounds like a winner.

I am moving tomorrow
You are?! Oh - I'll miss you SO MUCH! Wait - who in the hell are you?

yes.. .I am still a virgin
And yes, I still don't care.

Fw: Incoennt Psortitute Rimming
Also included - the most atrocious spelling you'll ever witness!

Reply: Awmseoe Fucking Caroton Wrehos
Notice they spelled 'fucking' right.

Re: Hot Hi Roeslution Dlownoadable Movies
I am convinced that they're hiring 6 year-olds from impoverished countries to type this shit out.

Do My Mom!
No, you pervert.

FW: Mature Moms wants a date
They're so much better than those immature Moms.

Christian Singles with Christian Principles
Because it's totally Christian to look for sex on singles' sites.

Re: Hot Woman Poohts
Am I correct in assuming that this email is offering me hot farts?

annnnnall girrrlss datttttinnnnngg siitttee
Who knew stuttering was evident in typing?

My Friend's Mom Fucked On This...
That's just great - thanks for sharing.

parking lot philosophers
How does one become one of these exactly?

bro - enhance your security
Like, totally, bro'. This security shit is da bomb - some p-h-a-t ass shit, ya hear me?

wahts for my brihtday?
"Spelling for Dummies"?

I have this feet problem
And this is supposed to make me want to open this email?

Poke her from the next room
With a super-massive-long-FINGER!

Soft at incredibly low prices
Great because soft is getting entirely too expensive these days.

WOW My Dick IS Huge
Good for you.

Your aunt needs this
How'd you know? She's been looking for 'this' for YEARS now!

Why aren't you Par Wilkie?
Well, fuck, why aren't you Brad Pitt? We could be having a lot more fun right now if you were.

Fire hydrant 8 fetishes
And I thought I was the only one with a fetish for fire hydrants.

We owe you $824425
Are you sure about that amount? I could've sworn it was $825324.

Increase your Dick weight
Because everyone knows its size weight that matters.

I fianally lost my cherry
And the spelling bee!

Respectable fedora hat
Because heaven forbid you walk out of the house in one of those *unrespectable* ones!

2 hrs/day can = $20,113/month
And I bet you've got a big, golden-ish bridge to sell me, too, right?

My sister is still a virgin.
How do you know & why do I care?

2 dicks in her butt
Because two is better than one.

Self Inflicted Financial Wounds
I do it to myself every time.

only you can prevent lard on your arse
After getting sick of fire prevention, Smokey moved on to the prevention of Ass Lard.

Claim your Free Barbeque
Pit? Meal? Sauce?

Re: Hot Teen Ejnoying Huge Dick
Um, isn't that illegal?

I'm not sure I really see the advantages of this.

Let us match you with a REAL person!
Drat, I was really looking to be paired up with a Sasquatch or an alien.

I love getting filled with sperm
Next time please just say 'I like to get fucked'.

Stupid Amateur Tenes Ejaculation video
Nothing quite turns me on like 'stupid' people.

Christian Debt Network – Saving families from debt.
But only Christian ones. The rest of you heathens can burn in hell with your debt.

Jesus Wants You to Save.
He loves you that much. This came from Christain Mortgage USA.

Be careful of downloading music files
But be sure to open this unsolicited and possibly virus-ridden email.

Passion should last forever
This came from "New Blue Pill". Passion in pill form - I personally prefer to take it in liquid.

FW: Stupid Amateur Girl Aweomse Fisting
Because no one can fist like stupid amateurs.

Looking for Quality Christian Singles?
Too bad you won't find them here.

If you love her you'll look
Nothing says I love you like opening spam emails.

You can be smart!
But you negate that the second you open this email.

even if you suck at paying your bills, we can get you a mortgage
I definitely want to deal with a company that uses the word "sucks" in its advertising, don't you?

Dripping Lady In Need for C0Ck!
Sounds to me like she's in need of a towel.


Thursday, November 25th, 2004

A very Happy, Safe & Stress-Free Thanksgiving to each & every one of you and your loved ones.

Happy Thanksgiving from Shanna


Wednesday, November 24th, 2004

With the good comes the bad - or, as I prefer to say it, with the sweets comes the sour. But if you don't have one, how could you ever appreciate the other? Personally I love to mix sweet & sour - how about you?

I know, I know, wtf am I babbling about?! It's been a rough week, friends (and it's only Wednesday). I'll be honest with you here - though I've been trying to decide if I was going to confess share this or not - I fucked up. Some of you already know what that means. Yes, I cut. But that's not the bad news! The bad news is I did it two nights in a row. It's a low I haven't hit in many, many years.

I want to first thank you all for you concern - those that commented here asking after me and those that sent concerned emails during my prolonged absence. It's so nice to know there are people who, even though I've never met them in the flesh, truly care about my well-being.

I won't go into the reasons I slipped up; it's not really worth it. What's done is done. It isn't bad, and it likely won't even scar so don't think I was over here hacking at myself like a mad woman as in days of yore.

The sweet of this seeming-bowl-of-lemons is that today I feel better. Not because I cut, but just because I do. I don't know why I've been so depressed and I don't know why I woke up feeling a little better today than I did the day before. That's just the way of my psyche. Maybe it's the holiday tomorrow - I enjoy the chance to get together with my family. Maybe it's the break in the overcast, dreariness that has been our permanent weather for going on two weeks. Maybe it's because there's finally a cool snap rather than the tepid and sticky humidity that has been hanging heavily in the air. Perhaps because The Worm and I had a huge fight last night which ended in an amazing make-up and opening up to each other that brought us much, much closer. Whatever the reason, for the first time in many days, I'm happy to be alive. I'm not yet overjoyed at the prospect, but you've got to start somewhere. If I can make it back to the giddy joy that I felt a few weeks ago - loving life and being in high spirits every single day - I'll be most content.

So enough of all that. Today is a new day - a fresh, clean slate. I want to wish every single one of you and yours a very blessed and Happy Thanksgiving. I hope you all gorge yourselves on turkey, green bean casserole, rice dressing and booty bread. I hope you share a million laughs with your loved ones and fall asleep tomorrow night full, happy and content.

In closing, I'd like to hear from all of you - tell me, on the eve of Turkey Day - what are you thankful for?

Are You L33t?

Monday, November 22nd, 2004

I still exist. Not much else to say to that. Not in the brighest of moods. But, as the old saying goes, "this too shall pass".


Thought I'd leave you with a little fun in my absence - which could end a week from now or tonight or right now!

Translation Funnies
Stick your blog/page in there and have a snicker. I know Rose will enjoy the "Hacker" one 'cause she's 733t like that.

Dark, Dirty Secrets

Sunday, November 14th, 2004

I've been a naughty girl.

Reading Dooce's memories of suffering through anorexia & how she's doing now with it gave me an urge to get some thoughts out about my cutting - and my almost-slip-up.

The other day I almost cut myself. I came so very close that at the end of the evening I shamefully handed The Worm my almost-instrument-of-destruction.

"Here," I told him. "I've had this hidden for some time now. I never planned to use it. It just makes me feel good to have them hidden around the house, but I'm giving it to you now to punish myself for coming so close to screwing up and slipping back."

He didn't understand, but he took it and gave me a hug. He tries.

Yes, I have blades hidden around my house. Like an old boozer who has liquor bottles stashed away "just in case" the urge should ever overcome him - just so he can sneak off and have "just one sip" if life becomes too much. They are usually plastic pink disposable razors that I have painstakingly altered - the front pieces of plastic are ripped to expose the blade, the blade is usually darkened from my "cleansing" it with a flame. It's something I used to do countless times to ensure I had an ever-ready blade, or in the moments just before I cut when I had nothing else to use. That may sound bad, but it was better than when I had none and got desperate and switched to the serrated knives in the kitchen.

That sounds terrible - seeing it on the page like that I'm thinking, "I cannot fucking POST that on the Internet. What will they think about me?" But it's a part of me - it's something I did and it's something I will struggle with for the rest of my life. I can't run from it. People that know me in person actually see my handiwork (my scars) and that's much worse than reading about it. I know what they think - I know no one can imagine purposefully hurting themselves; especially so viciously. But I try to remind myself that people also can't understand drinking one's self into an early grave, being unable to stop taking copious amounts of harmful drugs, or even making themselves throw up every time they eat. I don't need them to understand it - I just need them to know I'm not that different than them; I just have a more fucked-up way of coping with my problems.

So why did I almost cut? What was so devastating that I almost slipped back into the "dark side"? You're going to laugh. There was a kitten I'd met and bonded with at a friend's house a few weeks ago. I got a phone call wherein I was told said kitten had been hit by a car and was paralyzed from the waist down; otherwise it was fine. Would I take it? Otherwise it was going to be put to sleep. Can you imagine how that made me feel? Crippled-ass me who has been on crutches for two years, a cane for almost 6 mos now and who will NEVER walk right again???? They were going to kill her because she couldn't walk. I was overwhelmed with hurt and sadness and the weighty decision over whether I could take on such a responsibility. I wanted to, with all my heart, but could I? Baret was against it and since we do share a home and my current disability puts much more burden on him to get household chores done, his say was a huge one. I was so extremely torn. I have the largest soft spot for animals. My fellow man can be damned - I'd just as soon off one for driving stupidly - but I tear up at even the sight of a kitten. My mind was literally in a state of turmoil and chaos and I couldn't handle it. I knew that cutting would calm me - it would still me enough that I could make sense of everything and make the correct decision. I also knew that wasn't the answer, but it was such a tempting one! I went into the bathroom under the premise of getting ready for work, but Baret tried to follow me in there. He knew. I quickly got my pink plastic encrusted blade out from its hiding place and stuffed it in my robe pocket. I left the bathroom and told him I was okay. I was going to wait until he went to take a shower. Part of me was hurt he'd even leave me alone in such a state - didn't he know what I was capable of?

But in the end I didn't do it. Reason somehow won out - perhaps its just years of self-therapy, and real therapy and medication and learning how to deal with my "manic-depressive" self - but I didn't do it. That evening I handed the blade to Baret. Letting go of my "security blanket" was hard, but I wanted to punish myself. I'll likely make another and hide it away anyway, if I know me. But for the moment it was shameful to confess that I'd had it and that I'd almost done it - so that was what I did.

This is a battle I fight every day - even if some days I never get the urge to cut, the thought and the desire is always in the back of my head. I've gotten better - I can now safely collect daggers (something I've always wanted to do) without fear of using them on myself (I would *never* use my two beautiful daggers to cause myself harm - I made a very serious pact with myself and have found no problems upholding it). My first instinct when I get upset is not to cut (unless I'm *very* upset and then it still is, but it's all work-in-progress). I know you can't understand it - I know you think I'm crazy - I know my scars scare you. But just remember that under these battle scars is another human being who isn't that different from yourself.

It wasn't easy to write all of this down for people to read - especially people whose opinions and thoughts I respect & value as I do each & every one of you who comes here faithfully to read my babble. Thank you for your time - for listening - and for at least trying to understand. I've only ever blogged for me, but you guys make the experience all the more rewarding.

Rose Rules

Friday, November 12th, 2004

Rose - I LOVE YOU!!!

Thanks a million times over for my super-awesome-birthday-present-header-graphic. It is SO me and I SO love it!

Thank you - thank you - thank you. That you took the time to pick out all of those little quotes & self-descriptions really means *so* much. I'm so lucky to have such a special & thoughtful friend.

[May 2006 Addendum: It's the same header up there today, with the title changed from "anima" to "Sunshine & Farts". Love you, Rose.]

Next Stop, New Zion

Friday, November 12th, 2004

Last year around this time you might remember me posting about an editorial that appeared in a small rag, "The Westside Shopper" in my native parish. The post listed this gem that some bright individual had sent in:

Time To Take A Stand
It's that time of year again when evil tries to rear its ugly head and duly influence our children by trying to take their souls. That's right, I'm talking about Halloween, the one night of the year we give free reign to the Devil. Even good Christians give free reign to this holiday and dress their children in ghoulish costumes. What is wrong with you people? Unless we take a stand against Halloween, the day will come when Lucifer himself will rule this country. That day is almost here - look at the evil all around you people.

So it was with much delight that my sister sent me another installment of "Southern Religious Nuts Show Their Intelligence".

Maybe Now they'll ban it...
I'm really disgusted that we celebrated Halloween on a Sunday. Now that Bush has a second term in office, we will establish some real values in this country. I hope people enjoyed Halloween, because next year I'll make sure we don't have it. I know Bush will work to ban it. As for birthdays, forget about that self-glorification. America, it's a new day: we can finally name our country "the new Zion". As for oil, polluting the water and cleaning up this parish, nobody needs to worry any more. When the Second Coming occurs, everything will be restored to its original, holy cleanliness. And it will happen soon. Rejoice."

As my sister so perfectly put it: "I'm really gonna miss my birthday in Feb. you are so lucky you just got yours in after the election and before the Second Coming. Rejoice, Shanna!"

And I can't resist pointing out to you Bush-supporters that these are the kind of people you're lumped in with. Sorry about that.

Here's my response:

To the person who foretold the Second Coming:
I read recently that Bush is trying to go into the Alaskan wildlife refuges to start drilling for oil. I was terribly upset by this until I read this editorial. Now I know I have nothing to fear - let the precious wildlife & my beloved nature be destroyed - since all will be like new in the Second Coming. I just hope Alaska is part of the "New Zion".You know, last time I checked, Bush himself celebrated birthdays. Will this affect the Second Coming? What can we do to stop Bush from celebrating birthdays and other such self-glorification holidays? Perhaps we can all sign a petition that will ask Bush to eliminate birthdays for himself, his family and even the rest of the country. Surely he will do so when he sees the import - when he realizes this will aid in the Second Coming and that he will be the new leader of the New Zion!

I never realized how wrong it was to celebrate Halloween on a Sunday! We should never celebrate any holidays on a Sunday, then! If we remember that Christmas and Easter have even more Pagan origins than Halloween, oh my! The next time my birthday falls on a Sunday I'm not having it. Oh, wait - I can't have birthdays anymore. So I'm covered - right?

In closing, I have one last question. If this were to be the first purported "Second Coming", then according to the Bible, the Anti-Christ would come before Christ - claiming to be religious & the leader of the S.C. If I'm right, then what would this make President Bush?

Seriously, if we can't have birthdays in the New Zion, I'm buying the first ticket to Hell.