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Archive for December, 2004

The Religion of Shanna

Friday, December 17th, 2004

So I'm hold for Dell Tech Support, and the hold music, which is usually generic elevator or John Denver-ish light rock, begins to play. I mute my own music and listen to this loud and obnoxious noise coming from my speakerphone. It was N'Sync or Backstreet Boys or one of those boy bands I-don't-know-because-they-all-sound-the-same-to-me. If it was new or old, I also don't know, because I've been boycotting local radio for a number of years now. Who or whatever it was, it was still very strange hold music as the lyrics went something along the lines of:

"...if you really like it hot, I can hit the spot...if you want it good, girl, get yourself a bad boy..."

I'd expect them to be playing some awful renditions of Christmas carols or a Phil Collins love song, but not something you'd hear blaring out of an 11 year-old's bedroom. And it was so loud - I had to take it off of speaker for the fear that someone would open my office door and everyone in the vicinity would think I listened to music tripe like that.

And speaking of inappropriateness, every day on my drive to work I pass a large assisted living facility. It's very nice, and I'm sure is something only the wealthy elderly or their rich children could afford. Whatever the case, the past few weeks I have been very disturbed to see this advertisement printed on a large red sign in front of the building (and right next to the road):

"Give a gift to yourself and your loved ones this year: Make Name-of-Facility Assisted Living your family member's home".

Couldn't this have been worded a bit differently? Let's look at what this ad is really saying:

- Make Christmas special by getting rid of the burden that is Grandma.

- Experience the holidays without Uncle Charlie's repetitive 'Nam stories & noxious farts.

- Remind Dad how much his aging is a pain in the ass for you by sticking him in a home for Christmas.

- Tired of changing Mom's diapers? Give yourself the gift of someone else doing the dirty work.

Give yourself a gift? By putting your elderly family member in a home? Someone in the marketing department should be going without a Christmas bonus, methinks.

And to end this second-Friday-post, I nabbed Rose's Religion Creator post. Really, who doesn't want to create their own religion? Try it. This is mine:

From the most serendipitous regions of the spiritual plane, I have channeled the disembodied spirit of Edgar Allen Poe, bringing to you the wisdom and pithiness of the lost city of New Orleans. To usher in the New Age of rapscallions you must heed my words and importune zealously. The time is soon when the space Miatas of our galactic cousins will return and our collective gregariousness will reach critical mass. The highest frequencies of the universe will spiral through the left pinky toe chakras of the worthy, and our 3rd belly button shall be opened. But first we must look deep inside and accept our inner flock. We must feel the inner flock, become the inner flock, cognize it as though it was a beer can. We must accept our karmic past, and, as our yogi master, Shanna, always says 'The true form of a wrath is actually a sublime grape , but enlightenment is like a uncouth genius on the wind'. For there is no right or wrong, no loyalty or anti-loyalty, only one great and omnipresent cigarette.

If you remember anything from Shanna's religion, it should be this:

...cognize it as though it was a beer can and ...(there is) only one great and omnipresent cigarette. I hath spoken.

Just Because You Have a New Virgin Doesn’t Mean You’ve Got Your Cherry Back, Bitch

Friday, December 17th, 2004

This charming message (post title) was brought to you my bestest friend, Nodnarb, who sent me this text to congratulate me on the purchase of my new Virgin cell phone which was purchased at his suggestion.

Pre-pay, easy & quick to setup (I never had to talk to a live person), awesome features, and a cool deal - why didn't I know about this phone before now??

Brand (aka Dnarb) told me all about Virgin Mobile's awesome "Live without a plan" setup. It's essentially $20 for 3 months (you can add more if you need/as you need). I bought the phone at Target (the lovely Vox 8610), got online at home and was setup with a working cell phone in under 10 minutes without ever having to interact with another human being. That's my kind of cell service.

I've already downloaded two custom rings, though I'm normally opposed to such things. Music I don't jive with, but I thought these were great: Duuuude and Special Ed's Boo-Yaaaaay. Right now, though, I'm stuck on "Duuuuude". Baret and I have been calling each other all day singing that little ring. Obnoxious rings aside, I normally only have my phone off of "Silent/Vibrate" when I'm home, so I don't have to worry about it annoying others. Having insufferable rings is one thing - it's quite another to force others to endure your cheesiness. I keep my cheese to myself; private cheese, if you will.

And my voicemail message totally says: "It's Shanna. I'm either not around or driving, so leave me a message and I'll get back in touch with you." Talk and drive? Me? Not in this lifetime. It's so bitchy of me to use my voicemail to make that stab, but I couldn't resist.

So I'm sure there are those of you wondering how such an adamant hater of cell phones and cell phone users could be so excited about getting a cell phone. I love my cell phone - my cell phone; but I am someone who is considerate enough to take steps to make sure my cell phone use does not irritate or endanger others. Most people aren't. It isn't that I hate cell phones, necessarily, you see. I hate the way they have made the masses even more inconsiderate; how the common user is completely oblivious to the people he's bothering or the lives he's jeopardizing - in fact, he could give two shits because being polite, considerate or responsible isn't nearly as important as the conversation he's having at that moment. I hate the way people use cell phones; I hate the way people abuse cell phones. I hate the way some people can't even seem to take a shit without dialing everyone they know to tell them about the shape, color and smell of their by-product.

My cell phone is for emergencies. My cell phone is for getting in touch with people when I'm not near my home phone to give directions, or choose a place to meet up. My cell phone is to call Baret and ask if it's scoopable or non-scoopable litter I'm supposed to be buying. My cell phone is not to gab with everyone I know 24/7 about the dinner I'm eating, the movie I've just come from, or the turn I just missed driving to work. My cell phone is not to keep me connected with every person I've ever come across every free second of my life. I didn't buy it for that, and I will not become one of those people who use it like that. I barely ever answer my house phone - I don't want to be connected. In fact, no one should be that connected.

So, yes, I do love my little cell phone and I'm so happy that Virgin Mobile has the exact-plan-I've-been-searching-for-all-of-my-life. Virgin Mobile rocks - the Vox 8610 kicks ass - and those that talk & drive still suck the wrong end of a donkey, duuuude.

Three for Three

Thursday, December 16th, 2004

Since I'm not really a fan of painful death, I guess I'd best do this quiz (thanks Rose).

Three names you go by:
Sha-na-na-na (at work)

Three screennames you have:

Three things you like about yourself:
I'm passionate
I'm a damn good friend
I'm open-minded

Three things you hate/dislike about yourself:
I stress out & worry myself sick
The older I get, the more anti-social I become
My love of material things

Three parts of your heritage:

Three things that scare you:
Making certain important phone calls
My growing social anxiety

Three of your everyday essentials:
Black tea
Checking email

Three things you are wearing right now:
My no-lace Skechers
My Moonstone necklace
Faded green khakis

Three of your favorite bands/artists (at the moment):
Westside Chemical

Three of your favorite songs at present:
"Cold" by Crossfade
"Heaven's a Lie" by Lacuna Coil
"My Immortal" by Evanescence

Three new things you want to try in the next 12 months:
Learn to crochet/knit
Being able to write CSS from scratch (getting there)
Walking caneless

Three things you want in a relationship (love is a given):

Two truths and a lie:
I was in a car accident that involved a large train.
I've been in one fist fight.
I'm on a Girls Gone Wild video.

Three physical things about the opposite sex (or same) that appeal to you:
How they carry themselves/comfortable in their skin

Three things you just can't do:
Not be me
Remember numbers or do anything with numbers

Three of your favorite hobbies:
Web design

Three things you want to do really badly right now:
Go home (I'm at work)
Have a beer (I'm having a stressful day at work)
Have sex (It's been too long - more than you wanted to know, isn't it?)

Three careers you're considering:
Web Designer (full-time)
Forensic Pathologist (or any field in forensics)

Three places you want to go on vacation:
New Zealand
All of any of Europe
California (to relive some sweet memories)

Three kids names:

Three things you want to do before you die:
Share a life with my twin soul/flame
Travel extensively
Have an entire book/novel published

Three people who have to take this quiz now or die painfully:

The Truth About the Infamous Sundarbans Dead Picture

Friday, December 10th, 2004

The young man in this photo went to a place called Sundarbans with his friends and he asked his friends to take this photo on this spot. While his friend took the photo, he screamed and fainted, 2 days later he died in the hospital. The doctors said he died from a heart attack.When the photos where developed, in the last photo there was a woman standing next to the young man, even though his friends said there was no one with him when the photo was taken. Many people know of this rumor and the last photo is the result of the blessings of technology. But still, the photo is very mysterious and I'm sure that when you see it you will feel the same as me. Here's the photo!! A Naval Officer sent it to 13 people and he was promoted within 13 days. A businessman was sent this and he erased it and with in 13 days he lost everything. A laborer received this and sent it to 13 people and within days he was promoted and all his problems were solved. So send this to 13 people and good things will come your way. Don't be lazy what have you got to loose.

For those of you that find this blog because are looking for more information about this stupid email, I send you to:

Snopes: Double Exposure and Asian ghost gets around.

If you think the photograph or the story in the email is real then I cannot help you - perhaps you might want to try writing your name or reciting the alphabet instead of sending/reading emails; I believe that is more your speed.

Meet Paolo_Mash

Thursday, December 9th, 2004

Holiday weekend schedule:

Friday nite - Xmas party
Sat nite - Xmas party in St. Martinville (1 hr 15 mins away)
Sun - Go visit a friend all day
Sun nite - Xmas party in Maringouin (1 hr away)

Shanna's holiday-frazzled state:
Harried but resigned to her fate.

Is there some social god/dess that I can look to for some inspiration here? Maybe Bacchus - he wouldn't have balked at going to party-after-party-after-party, and he is a favorite of mine.

Bacchus says, "To make it through the holiday social gatherings, my child, stay merry with copious amounts of good wine."

Thank you, Bacchus. Thou art wonderful.

Bacchus, patron saint of wine and bacchanal parties - patron saint of orgies; my kind of guy. Throw in a little Pan - the original Satyr himself - and it could be a damn good time.

I'm babbling, aren't I?

I leave you with the latest edition to The Halls of Stupid:

paolo_mash: hi

vamp_lynx : hi

paolo_mash: wer ar u from

vamp_lynx : Louisiana - it's in my profile

paolo_mash: i am from rome

paolo_mash: wat is u job

paolo_mash: valeria u r very nice

paolo_mash: have u other pic?

paolo_mash: if u want i like talk sex

vamp_lynx : I bet you do.

paolo_mash: yes o no

vamp_lynx : What does that mean?

paolo_mash: i like it

paolo_mash: i like sex

paolo_mash: i like talk it

paolo_mash: u r sexy

vamp_lynx : How do you know if I'm sexy? You've never seen me.

paolo_mash: i see u pic

paolo_mash: i like kiss every part

paolo_mash: do u like it

vamp_lynx : Do I like what?

paolo_mash: i like kiss every part of body,do u k

paolo_mash: do u like ,i kiss u body

vamp_lynx : How are you going to kiss my body from Rome?

paolo_mash: with my lips

paolo_mash: and if u want

paolo_mash: i like liuk vagin

paolo_mash: send me u sexy pic plz

paolo_mash: kissssss u vagin

paolo_mash: hi

vamp_lynx : Kiss my virgin?

paolo_mash: vagin

vamp_lynx : Vagisil?

paolo_mash: valeria send me u sexy pic plz

vamp_lynx : Vegetable oil?

vamp_lynx : Vagabond?

paolo_mash: vagin

vamp_lynx : Venetian blinds?

vamp_lynx : I don't understand

paolo_mash: u behaind

paolo_mash: i kiss u behaind

vamp_lynx : Be-wha?

paolo_mash: u sessual apparat ,i kiss it

paolo_mash: kissssssssssss

paolo_mash: kissssss u

vamp_lynx : My sandalwood armoire?

paolo_mash: wer do u like my lip

paolo_mash: kiss u lipssssssssss

paolo_mash: hi

paolo_mash: Come here you. Come on. Closer. Closer.

vamp_lynx : Are you high?

paolo_mash: why

paolo_mash: kiss u sexy lipssssssss

paolo_mash: kisssssssssssss

paolo_mash: kiss u leggggggggggggg

vamp_lynx : but I haven't shaved!

vamp_lynx : Hairy legs turn you off?

vamp_lynx : ??

vamp_lynx : Hello?

vamp_lynx : Are you there?

vamp_lynx : Don't want to talk anymore all of a sudden?

vamp_lynx : The English translation site go down?

Don’t Get Offended

Tuesday, December 7th, 2004

I remember bitching about this when it first made headlines, but I am once again reminded how stupid and sensitive people can be when I read that: The computer term "master/slave," which was banned as racially offensive by a Los Angeles County purchasing department, was named the most politically incorrect term of the year on Thursday.

If you are offended by the 'master/slave' computer term, then you have bigger issues than I can even begin to go into here. Offended? You are OFFENDED? Do you realize how ignorant you have to be that you are offended by two hard drives being called "master" and "slave"? The Los Angeles county that went along with this tripe is doing nothing more than perpetuating the thin-skin that is so prevalent in today's society. Give it a few more years and I'll be able to sue someone for saying I have brown eyes (they're hazel - I'm so offended!).

You know, I think they should change the common name for USB Keycards - Flash Card just isn't appropriate. I was flashed once by an old man in a park and the term just offends me. And I just don't feel right telling my child about the male and female electrical plugs - and how the male goes into the female. I mean, that's just not right - we have to call it something else - that's so offensive. And memory - we shouldn't refer to "memory" in a computer because we might offend Alzheimer's patients. And the microphone "jack" and headphone "jack", that just has to go, too, because that's offensive to all the people in the world named Jack. And you know how you "turn on" a computer? That's so wrong! What are we teaching our children? We simply *cannot* "turn-on" our computers anymore - a new term must be made, one that's less offensive. And I, for one, just hate the term "disc" - it's so close-sounding to "dick"; yes, yes, that offends me as well and it must be changed, too.

Political correctness offends every last one of my senses. The stupidity of the human race offends me. This entire post offends me - I am offended - the word offend offends me. I am too offended to go on.

Offensively yours,

Hello, my name is The Grinch.

Monday, December 6th, 2004

I've been doing some soul-searching as to my current state of aggravated apathy and this growing distaste for anything Christmas-related.

It could have something to do with amassing a year's worth of parties, get-togethers, and gatherings in less than one month's time. I'm not an overly social creature by nature. Though I do love my friends & family and do enjoy social gatherings, I do not relish partaking in them on every single second-off-from-work that I have. This rushing to be everywhere and see everyone is ridiculous. With no time to myself or to hole up in my house and do "my thing", I'm slowly going insane. Not everyone needs the back-to-me time that I do, but it is essential to my emotional and mental well-being. I suck up a lot of what is around me and after many days of constant contact with other people, I find myself at the very bottom of a dark and desolate muck. I need time to rinse myself clean of everyone's emotions and thoughts. I'm an empath - you can think that's weird or crazy and you can absolutely not believe its true - but the fact is that after much rubbing elbows, I am drained and unable to connect to myself. This holds truer the older I get and the Christmas season drains on me a little more every year. I find myself depressed, dreading the next social gathering and wishing it would all end as quickly as possible.

I was reading blog postings from December of last year, and I was no ray of light at that time either. Perhaps this is just a rough time of year for me for the above named reason and because of the weather. Have you ever spent December in Louisiana? Let me tell you what you're missing. A look out of the window shows an overcast and blustery sky. It looks chilly - you expect it to be chilly because wherever you're looking from is likely cold from the a/c. Then you step outside, expecting the chill of a gray, windy day and are smacked with warm air so heavy it feels as if an actual weight has descended upon your skin. Your perfect coif melts into a damp, springy mess and you start to sweat even if you just bathed. The humidity is so heavy it's almost hard to breathe, and the warm wind only makes it worse. It's December and you want it to be cold, but it just isn't - it's hot, sticky and clothes-clinging humid. Then it rains - it rains for 2 or 3 days - stopping and starting with no end. You expect the rain to bring cooler weather, but it remains hot (high 70s) and becomes even more humid. There's a reason the song was not written "I'm dreaming of a humid Christmas" or even "I'm dreaming of a soggy, tepid, muggy Christmas." It's depressing as all hell. Everything is hot, wet, clammy and miserable.

I can't even find a good reason to claim celebrating Christmas anymore. It's for children and Christians - of which I am neither. For those two groups, it's a magical, fun and special holiday. It is none of those things for me anymore. It's trying to get all of the shopping done while attending all of the parties. It's smiling when I don't want to and coming up with something pithy to say when I don't feel like chatting.

For me, it's also spending money on gifts that will never be used or looked at twice, and feeling like a scumbag when I see a homeless person on the side of the road. Perhaps that's what Christmas is about for me. The real giving - the kind that counts. Getting Aunt Martha that mohair scarf she's been wanting is not giving - not in the sense that I believe Christmas is supposed to be about. Maybe next year I can request that all money I normally would've spent on gifts for friends & family, I'm donating or using to make "packages" of food and necessities that I can hand out to homeless people (something I've always wanted to do). Maybe I'll spend Xmas itself in a soup kitchen somewhere, handing out food to the less fortunate. That would mean something to me. That would make me feel spiritual and uplifted and cheerful.

I might've just talked myself into realizing what the spirit of Christmas is for me. Maybe there's something there in this Grinch-sized heart after all.