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Archive for January, 2005

Jesus Freaks Give Bad Haircuts

Thursday, January 27th, 2005

Let me tell you a tale - a tale of bad haircuts, Jesus, and fornication. A tale about being crazy being saved, letting the Holy Spirit places it shouldn't be going going to beauty school, and spreading Jesus' bad hair love.

Last night at a local chain beauty parlor I had the privilege of meeting Born Again Hairdresser. BAH looked to be in her mid-thirties with the long, permed, bleached hair w/ black roots-very-80's-hair-band-and-hairspray-look. Sadly she wasn't sporting this 'do because the 80's are back in style…it was obviously the style she's worn since the 80's. You can't fake split ends & burnt hair like that - it's a project that’s been in the works for decades.

Born Again Hairdresser was very nice and we started chatting about mundane things. I'm not sure why hairdressers feel the need to make idle chatter with you; as if it would be rude if they didn't speak to you at all. Frankly, I'd prefer it that way - but I can be pretty anti-social at times. Anyway, BAH started off innocently enough but flew in for the kill as soon as she was sure I wasn't going to kill her when she loped off into Jesus territory - or maybe she would've went there anyway; this woman felt that spreading the gospel was all she was born to do.

"I had a guy in here earlier," she told me, "He said that when he tells people he's an insurance agent, they kind of back off from him. I told him I know how he feels - that's how people react when I tell them I'm Christian."

The problem is not that BAH is Christian; the reason that people run from her is because she is a born-again Christian who wants to talk about absolutely nothing ELSE. She then proceeds to tell me that she spreads the gospel from her chair, while she does hair. I'm thinking, "you're right, there is a god, and he hates me."

She went on to tell me how she'd been saved, how Christ had been calling for her all these years, and how it was her duty to spread the gospel to everyone all the time. I'm thinking that right now I don't like her Jesus, but I listened patiently while she massacred my hair - paying more attention to her sermon spiel than the task at hand. I smiled and nodded, and ooh'ed and ahh'ed at the appropriate parts. She told me how Jesus had come into her life and changed her from a pothead, alcohol-drinking tattoo artist who *gasp* was a sinning fornicator (no, she said that) to a gospel-spreading, bad-bleached-job beautician who can't cut hair.

I literally had to bite the inside of my mouth to keep from laughing when she talked about how she'd "dabbled" in "New Age" stuff - "but it's all so hideous," she told me, looking mortified. "They teach you that you have god inside you - that you can be a god. And that's so wrong - the only way to god is through Jesus." She went on to explain that she, too, used to question how there could be so many other (and older) religions, but she knew now (because Jesus told her) that all other religions were the products of Satan trying to lure you away from the truth of Christianity. It's amazing the simplicity with which ignorance can explain something away.

Then she went off on the Catholic church - yes, she was one of those. She told me how she literally would preach to Catholics that sat in her chair and tell them they were wrong and how if they didn't leave their church and follow Jesus and Jesus-only-gosh-darnit they were going to go to hell. Methinks BAH isn't going to be working here long.

Afterwards The Worm queried me as to why I didn't stand up for my own beliefs and tell her I didn't agree with her. There were a few reasons. First, she was very nice and the sad truth of the matter is, in her heart of hearts, this woman believed she was helping me - yes, it's fucked up and twisted, but she felt like she was saving my soul. Even if her ideas are wack, her heart was in the right place. Second, I felt really sorry for her. I felt sad that she had completely given her life up to something that is going to control her such as this will - that she is going to ban just about anyone who doesn't believe as she does from ever giving her a second chance at knowing her; she's right that kind of shit puts people off. It was nice that she was so happy spiritually, but I'm very against shoving my beliefs down others throats. Which is why I didn't stand up for my own at the time - besides, what difference would it have made? Had we banged heads about religion and esoteric issues, it would have been be fruitless. She sure as hell wasn't going to change my mind, and I doubt anything - no matter how logical - I said to her wasn't going to make a dent in her Jesus wall.

What I'm amazed at is that she's still working there. If she throws this shit at everyone that sits in that chair, someone, eventually, is going to complain. Unless they're all non-Catholic Christians. Considering that the vast majority of Christians down this way are Catholic, I would assume she's insulted a few people already. I can only imagine what her co-workers must think; the girl that works right next to her looked like she wanted to stab her pick comb through her ears; can you imagine how many times a night she has to hear that same insane shit?!

The result of my meeting with BAH is that I'm not born-again or saved (Evil 1, Jesus 0), I felt so sorry for this woman that I gave her a huge tip, hoping she'd use the money to move to Illinois like she'd talked about doing (Evil 1, Jesus 1), and I ended up with my very own now-in-style 80's feather 'do; which is not what I asked for. It looks something like this (Evil 1, Jesus 2). Damnit! One of these days, Jesus - I'll get you, my pretty.

Pondering Death

Monday, January 24th, 2005

As you all know by now, Johnny Carson died this weekend. I suppose I am getting old b/c when I mentioned this in the EQII zone I was in last night someone actually responded with, "Really? Who is he?" I bet if I'd of said "Ashlee Simpson just died" they would've known who I was talking about. -sigh- Such is the world we live in - we'll never understand the generations that follow us. I'm sad to see him go - we have definitely lost a legend.

Before I heard about Carson's death, my best friend called from his parents' home. This in itself was odd, so I knew something must be up. Nodnarb and I have been best friends for 20-something years. We went to Kindergarten together and graduated high school together - we worked our main high school job together, took Driver's Ed together, and were each other's dates for both Junior and Senior homecoming dances and proms. In a few short days, all by chance, he is going to be my neighbor. Our lives always, invariably, end up intertwining. So when I saw he was calling from his hometown I knew it had to be some interesting gossip or tidbit about someone we once knew in our younger years. Sadly, he told me that he'd just found a newspaper clipping on the fridge that told of the death of one of our classmates; one that had graduated with us and had been with us, before that, since 2nd grade. He died in a large car accident in another state - having moved and started a family there a few years ago.

I've often commented how lucky we were that no one in our graduating class of 65 had died. I know that isn't the norm - everyone I know has someone they graduated with that didn't make it very far into their adult years. It's sad to think that he died the year we would've been having our 10 year reunion. The whole thing is sad - he'd been married around five years and had a 6 mos. old son; when he died he was delivering Bibles and Christian publications. He was, as I remember him, completely sweet and very funny - a genuinely all-around good guy. As the article I found on his death said he hadn't changed much in the past ten years. One person commented that he was like "a ray of sunshine" when he walked in the room, that he made everyone smile.

It's a strange thing when someone your age dies; especially when you once knew that person. It makes you wake up and remember that Death is never that far from any of us - that any day it could come. It makes me more appreciative of the time I have with those still here - more conscious of enjoying every minute that I've got left.

Ashlee Simpson Sux

Monday, January 24th, 2005

The Worm says I am obsessed with Ashlee Simpson - just because I made a page on my site to express my disdain for the talentless wonder. I'm not, really, I just find it overwhelmingly amusing. Yes, I know, I should get out more.

Shopping & Wine

Friday, January 21st, 2005

Why it is a bad idea to stop by Wherehouse Music after dinner & wine to "grab two CDs"...

I really only planned to grab Def Leppard's Euphoria & X...one of which I'd owned & lost and the other I'd not bought yet and had been planning to because that's my guys. If they made a CD singing Christmas carols in Icelandic, I'd buy it - I will forever support my teenage heartthrobs.

But Wherehouse Music has DVDs, and I decided I'd also grab Saved!; my favorite movie of last year and one I *must* own. Then The Worm saw The Neverending Story & The Big Lebowski, and we picked those up as well. We stumbled across I'm Gonna Git You Sucka, a childhood "classic" (my siblings and I still quote things to each other from this movie) and when I saw The Rules of Attraction I *had* to grab it - that's another of those "must own" ones.

Thank Goddess we got out of there when we did! The guy behind the counter was quite impressed with our DVD purchases - he pointed out that "The Rules of Attraction" was "a really awesome movie" and that we also seemed to have nabbed "all the cult classics" (not quite, but I'm trying - one day my collection will be complete).

The point of this wine-induced post is...don't go shopping when you're drunk b/c you'll end up with way more than you initially went in to buy. And now you know...(and knowing is half the battle).

Help Out Olla

Thursday, January 20th, 2005

Olla, Louisiana is a small town in LaSalle Parish that was struck by devastating tornadoes this past November. Hundreds are now without homes and this small community is struggling to get back on its feet.

My friend who told me about the situation lives about 30 minutes away. He was appalled at the destruction he saw on a recent drive through Olla.

Even though Olla has lost almost a third of their residential housing, FEMA has denied any help to the town. From Olla's official website, these are the major points of consideration posed to FEMA:

1) Olla has lost approximately 33% of its residential housing. Over 192 properties have been leveled or damaged out of an inventory of 587 houses identified in the Olla 2000 Census. Of the 192 properties we have identified approximately 60 that are uninsured property owners ranging in family size from one to nine, with an average of three persons per family.

2) Economic impact: There is an extremely high probability that 45% of the affected households will decide to move out of the area permanently within three weeks. A majority of residents commute greater than 20 miles to work each day due to plant closings and job losses sustained less than 5 years ago. (The closing of production facilities at Louisiana Pacific and Holloway Sports Wear cost the combined communities of Olla-Urania-Tullos 424 jobs in a combined population area of 2400 residents.

3) Our 192 Tornado victim families do not have available local housing. The current inventory equals seven available properties for purchase or rent. These properties or structurally dated and require some work in all but two cases. There is minimal opportunity for housing within a 20 mile radius.

2000 Census indicates a Per Capita Income of $9,015.00 based on 1,410 residents. We have a high percentage of senior citizens, 25.1% over age of 55. We believe this number to be low.

On 11/23/04, two days before Thanksgiving, Olla suffered a tornado of F2 & F3 magnitude. FEMA HAS DENIED PA (Public Assistance) for the town to rebuild. FEMA is reviewing our needs for Individual Assistance (IA) to determine if a declaration will be recommend to the President.

On or about January 3, 2005, Olla was DENIED IA from FEMA. As of 1/1/2005 the APPEAL lies on Governor Blanco’s Desk in Baton Rouge, LA.

As you can see, the situation is a sad one. How can you help? Go and sign the appeal/petition to FEMA. This will only take a few seconds and every signature counts! Please go and sign: Appeal for Denial of Assistance. This will only take a few seconds and every signature counts! Please go and sign: .Pass this on if you can - we send aid all over the world when it is needed, but we must take care of our own as well.

Thank you.

The Westbank Shopper Returns

Wednesday, January 19th, 2005

People of Iberville Parish, for the love of all things holy and sacred, please, stop drinking the water!!!

I am convinced that the majority of Ibervillians are either insane or are completely lacking the sense god gave a goose; or a snail, for that matter.

To prove my point let me regale you with another "Hotline" letter from the now infamous Westbank Shopper:

Remember Them...

I'd like to remind everyone that we've lost 25 Louisiana soldiers. While you people are sitting at home watching garbage like "Desperate Housewives", take a moment to think about them. Everything people say about Democrats is true - they are liberal and their Communist. Case in point: our esteemed governor, "Queen Bee" herself, is going to make a trip to Cuba to promote Louisiana goods and services. We don't need no trade with no Communist country. We don't need their Godless money. We can sell our stuff to the Mexicans. We need to impeach the goveernor because she is a closet Communist who wil probably fall for that Cuban lothario Castro and end up becoming the queen of Cuba.

People from Iberville parish, mainly Plaquemine, are a strange lot. They bitch about not having enough jobs, but go up in arms when things like airports or new plants offer to come into the area for fear of it encroaching on hunting land and bringing uncouth persons to the area. They believe people should be able to shoot whatever they want on whomever's property, and there is not a week that goes by that they don't complain about the barking dogs in some neighbor's yard (I'm imagining this is the "animals" they'd like to shoot "on other's land"). They think that Liberals and firecracker stands are the devil and anyone who isn't Christian should be hunted down during deer season. Now, apparently, they also believe that our governor is not only a Communist, but the soon-to-be Queen of Cuba. Amazing. I'm amazed - aren't you amazed?

My sister says, when she sends me this stuff, "be merciless" - but do I really have to? With such blaring stupidity what more can I say? These people mock themselves just by opening their mouths.

Don't tax us again...

A couple of weeks ago I read a column in the Post/South talking about cuts to the Veterans Adminisration. Well, the writer of this column is probably using this as an excuse to speak out against the war. These people are fighting to protect our freedom, and they're volunteering to do it. Nobody told them to. I appreciate what they're doing, but it's not like we have a draft anymore. If people listen to folks like Mr. Dupont saying we should raise taxes to give more money to the Veterans Administration, then the same people are going to be saying we need to raise taxes for something else. I think the writer of that column is just another 'tax and spend' liberal who wants to punish the wealthy. The government needs to treat the Veterans Administration the same way as a business - run it efficiently, and then there won't be the cries for more money.

Heaven forbid the wealthy use their money to help others - much less others that fought and died so that you could spend that money as you so chose. I fail to see how being liberal has anything to do with the belief that we should support our vets.

First off, Miss Know It All, did you know that most of the Louisiana boys we've lost to the war were National Guard? Don't tell me they volunteered with the idea that they may be sent off to war someday. No, we don't have a draft "anymore" but a lot of the vets you're claiming we shouldn't help were drafted - my grandfather, for one. They didn't choose to get sent to war - but they went, they fought, some were wounded and some never came home. If we don't take care of our vets, above everyone and everything else other than our children, then what kind of a country are we? If it weren't for them we wouldn't have the freedoms we take for granted; such as the one that allows you to stand up and bash the true heroes of our country. You appreciate what they do, do you? Has anyone in your family ever gone to war? Do you know anyone personally that is fighting in this war now? My guess is no, otherwise you might not be so quick to throw out such ignorant judgements.

Aren't you jealous, dear readers, that you don't live in such an interesting state? And won't you be all the more jealous when we join forces with Cuba and are more powerful than any of you? From there we'll spread out like a disease, starting firecracker stands in the other 49 states, destroying airports and factories and spreading the hunting land, we'll lock all non-Christians in closets and free the priests from the camps. Soon we will wipe out all those that don't believe as we do - all of the Satanic, firecracker popping, Communist Liberals who don't own guns. Be afraid - be very afraid.

Too Bad You Can’t Sue For Being Stupid

Thursday, January 13th, 2005

Yet another greedy moron that makes me ashamed to be a fellow bipedal, cognitive mammal:

NBC's 'Fear Factor' Sued for Rat-Eating Episode

Watching contestants eat dead rats on NBC's gross-out stunt show "Fear Factor" so disgusted a Cleveland man that he has sued NBC for $2.5 million, saying he could not stomach what he saw.

In a handwritten four-page lawsuit filed in federal court in Cleveland on Tuesday, paralegal Austin Aitken said, "To have the individuals on the show eat (yes) and drink dead rats was crazy and from a viewer's point of view made me throw-up as well an another in the house at the same time."

His suit added, "NBC is sending the wrong message to its TV watchers that cash can make or have people do just about anything beyond reasoning (sic) and in most cases against their will."

He said the show caused his blood pressure to rise so high that he became dizzy and light-headed, and when he ran away to his room, he bumped his head into the doorway.

In a brief telephone interview with Reuters, Aitken said, "I am not at liberty to discuss the complaint unless it is a paid-interview situation."

A spokesman for "Fear Factor" said the show would have no comment until it sees a copy of the complaint. The spokesman said the program did feature an rat-eating scene in New York's Times Square on Nov. 8.

Over the years, contestants on the program have eaten some weird things, including ground-up spiders and live worms.

Really...sometimes they make it so easy for me.

Asshat-Aitken says he feels that shows like "Fear Factor" are sending a wrong message by saying that people will do anything for a few bucks. An interesting insight considering Mr. Asshat is bringing a lawsuit against a T.V. show for making him ill and refusing to do interviews about said suit unless there are dollar-signs attached.

Pray tell, exactly what is this 2.5 million dollars covering? How did you arrive at this amount? Just because you have a weak stomach, puked on your grandma's rug, then bumped your head on the doorway as you ran from your horrible, evil, wicked T.V.? For this, the show you were watching owes you millions of dollars. Oh yes, it all makes sense to me now. Why didn't I see it before??

You were running away from your T.V. set. Ever heard of a remote? It comes with a number of features that could've ended your terrors, and much more efficiently. There's the next channel button, the previous channel button, and even an off button. Imagine the possibilities.

Why stop at "Fear Factor"? Why not sue the network that allowed this show to air - to even exist, for that matter? Why not sue the people on the show who ate the rats for money and made you toss your cookies? While we're at it, let's sue everyone that watches the show; because of them this kind of crap continues to play on the air. Hell, why not sue your mother for giving birth to you in the first place & causing you to be alive and watching TV the day some morons on "Fear Factor" ate rats; that bitch.

Shit, why don't you sue me? Because in all honestly the mental picture of you, in a state of utter horror, running from your T.V. and smack-dab into the doorway of your room caused me to laugh so hard I fell out of my chair. On second thought, I could sue you...