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Archive for March, 2005

Pounds & Dollars – Part II

Thursday, March 31st, 2005

So you'd like to know what happened with the international check fiasco. Here's the latest and, hopefully, the finale.

I finally talked to Dave again late Thursday; he was the nice guy who was looking into it for me. He said he was getting the check sent back, it would come to me or him, and I'd have to come in and do it again - the right way this time, hopefully. He also noted, because I asked more than once, that they would remove the $4 charge.

What really pissed me off is that Saturday I got a letter from MPBI that said something like "International checks cannot be deposited as regular money" and telling me they were pulling the amount and charging me $4. No motherfucking shit, sherlocks, try telling your fucking employees that. I did not try to deposit an international check like a regular check - the fucking dimwit behind the counter did.

As of Wednesday the $4 charge was still there, though my $460 has finally gone through and been put in as it should have. I just called and spoke to someone at their Customer Service Center in Shreveport and now she is looking into it (the charge) - says someone went into the account the other day and fixed everything else, but obviously didn't remove the charge. Yeah, obviously.

Dave called again yesterday and I told him the $4 charge was still on there and he said he'd "take care of it". As of this morning it is gone and it appears everything is now as it should be.

I am currently working on my letter of complaint to the main offices because this kind of incompetence and ignorance is unacceptable.

And that's that. If you have an international check to cash or deposit, please, for the love of all things holy and sacred, make sure the person you are dealing with knows what they are doing; ask to speak to a manager and have them double-check it. No one wants to deal with this kind of headache.

A Nigerian 419 Letter Response

Wednesday, March 30th, 2005

Who doesn't get these things? I was bored today and decided to write a pithy response and here it is. And no, I did not mail it back to the moron in question.

His email has been put as a link - send him something cute while it's still up.

His atrocious grammar, god-awful spelling and general massacring of the English language have been left as is. My responses in italics; enjoy:

Dear Friend,

You may be surprise to receive this letter from me,since you dont know me personally,

Not really, no. I get this kind of shit all the time.

I am Richards Mumbah. The son of Dr. Smith Mumbah, Who was recently murdered in the land dispute in Zimbabwe.

Really? Nice to meet you, Richards. I'm Princess Sophia Isadora Magdalena of Whisklick, Pluto, and heir to the throne of Whisklick and my grandfather's prized unicorn horn collection.

I got your contact as i was searching for a reliable and reputable person to handle a very confidential business which involve a transfer of fund to a foreign account and i decided to write you. My late father was among the few black Zimbabwean opposition party rich farmers murdered by the agents of the ruling Government of president Robert mugabe,for his alleged support and sympathy for the Zimbabwean opposition party controlled by the white minority,

Whoa there, padre. Way too much information. I really don't need all of this boring backstory. Let's get down to the nitty gritty - what the fuck do you want?

Before my father death,he had taken to johannesburg and deposited the sum of twenty five million united state dollars (US$25,000,000)with a security and financial company,

Your father must've been one damn good farmer. That's a lot of dough for a farmer, even a rich one. Exactly what was your father farming, Richards?

The money right now is in (EUROPE), as if he forseen the looming danger in zimbabwe. The money was deposited in a box as valuable items to avoid over taxed custom clearance.

He "forseen" it, eh? So he was physic, too? If he "forseen" coming danger why didn't he get the hell out of dodge rather than hiding his money? Not a lot of common sense, that physic oddly rich farming father of yours.

This money was allocated for the purchase of new machinery and chemical product for Agro-allied farms and for establishment of new farms in lesotho and swaziland.This land problems arose when president Robert mugabe introduced a new land act that wholly affected the rich white farmers and some blacks vehemently condemned the "modus operandi"adopted by the government.

*Yawn* B-o-r-i-n-g. You are boring me again, Richards. Let's move this bullshit along, shall we?

This result to rampant killings and mob action by the war veterans and some political Thugs,precisely more than three thousand( 3,000)people have so far been killed.Heads of government from the west, especially Britain and united states have voice their condemnation of Mugabe's plans.

You're probably one of those people that take 5 minutes longer than normal at the drive-thru window, eh? I really could give a shit less about the struggles of your country, your people, your family and, least of all, you. Would you get to the POINT already?

Subsequently, south Africa have development community(S.A.D.C)has continousy supported mugabe's new land act.

Can I interrupt you for just one moment here to say that your English skills are extremely lacking? You'd think if you were going to send a con letter to someone filled with lots of backstory bullshit and ridiculous requests you'd at least take the time to find a decent English translator so you don't come across as the illiterate, half-witted, treacherous, worthless sack of shit scam "artist" that you are.

It is against this background that my entire family who are currently residing in South Africa have decided to ! transfer my father's wealth and south Africa's government seems to be playing along with them.I am face with the dilemma of investing this money in south Africa for fear of encountering the same experience in the future, since both countries have almost the same political history.

Damn. Poor you. Can you hear my little violin?

Moreso,the south African foreign exchange policy does not allow such investment,Hence i am seeking for(political asylum) AS a business person whom i entrusted my future and that of my family into his hands, i must let you know that this transaction is 100% risk free and the nature of your business does not necessarily matter.

So let me get this straight. You, who can't even speak proper English, want me, whom you don't know from Adam, to help you with your money? Oh sure, that makes perfect sense. 100% risk free, you say? Well, hell, why wouldn't I want to deal with someone who randomly emails strangers asking them for help in handling millions of dollars? It sounds perfectly legitimate.

For your assistance we are offering you 20% of the sum ,70% for me and my family,while 10% will be mapped out for any expenses that we may incurre during this transaction.

20%, eh? Nah, I want 40%. Shit, while we're at it since this is all COMPLETE BULLSHIT, let me ask for 100%. I want it all, baby. As the Princess and heir to the throne of Whisklick, I demand it.

We wish to invest our money on commecial properties based on your advice.

Well, I know of a nice, big golden-ish bridge you might be interested in.

Finally, i will demand for assurance that you will not sit on the money when it gets to your personally account or comp! any account in your country, If this proposal is accepted please confirm your interest by sending this above to richmartin2005@netscape.net

It's a little early in our relationship for you to be "demanding" anything of me, Richards. I've got a demand, though. How's this, you quit emailing me this asinine crap and I won't forward your little email addy on to the US Secret Service's Financial Crimes Division, Netscape whose email account you are using for illegal purposes, or any of the embassies of the country you purport to be from, eh?


No, thank you, asshole, for the entertainment. Your badly written bullshit and pathetic attempts at scamming were a hoot to read.

God Bless You,
Richard Martins Mumbah.

Go Fuck Yourself,
Princess Sophia I. Magdalena

Pounds & Dollars

Thursday, March 24th, 2005

Okay, two posts in one day you know I'm pissed off.

So tell me, why are people in Baton Rouge completely fucking STUPID???!

Let me tell you the saga of the international check. This is a great tale and one that the higher-ups of my particular banking institution will no doubt be thrilled to hear about in the scathing letter I will send about the ineptitude of their dim-witted employees. It's a long tale, but please do stay until the end and share in my frustration and displeasure - do not let me suffer this outrage alone, I beg of you!

I received an international check - i.e. it is written in pounds not dollars - some time ago. I went to one of my particular banking institution's (henceforth referred to as MPBI) branches to get said check cashed. Apparently international checks are an anomaly in this city causing banking employees to get rather confused. This particular jaunt to the bank took over 2.5 hours - most of that time spent while the person helping me tried to figure out what to do with an international check (I swear she whipped out a manual). She informed me that the check would have to be sent to their international-department to be transferred into dollars. Okay, no problem.

A few days later the nice lady called to tell me there was a problem with the check (wrong date). She would look into it and call me back but they were likely going to have to send the check back to the sender. I told her okay.

Two then three weeks went by and I'd heard nothing - I assumed she'd forgotten to call me and the check had been returned. Then I remembered Blank's Law and I called the bank. The nice lady told me, "Oh no, we didn't send it back. It's sitting here in my desk. I'm waiting for you to come and get it.

I took three deep breaths before answering, "I assumed you'd sent it back. No one ever called to tell me to come and get it."

"Oh. I didn't call you back?" she asked me.

I wanted to say, "No you dumb bitch. Don't you think if you had called and told me my approximately $500 check was collecting dust in your fucking desk I WOULD HAVE BEEN THERE TO GET IT BY NOW?!" Instead I said, "No, you didn't call me. I'm on my way to get it now."

I had to get permission to leave work and drive down and get my check. I contacted the sender and faxed him a copy so he could see the wrong date. He apologized profusely and immediately sent out another - which coming from England took some time to get here.

When it did, I took the check to another of MPBI's branches because this one was closer to my house. I walked up to the teller, even though I'd been told at the first branch the first time around a teller could not do this for me. But since they didn't really know what they were doing, I figured I'd give it a go. I told the woman-I-now-know-IS-AN-IDIOT behind the desk, "I have an international check that I need to deposit."

She looked at me as if I'd just announced I wanted to deposit a few $4 bills and $0.29 coins. It's an international check not a fucking unicorn. It does exist but apparently she didn't think so. "Let me see it," she says.

I hand it to her. "It's in pounds not dollars," I tell her (this is important later on).

She calls to a lady behind the counter, "Can we deposit international checks?" Remember, they're not used to those in this city. She is told yes and she goes ahead and makes the deposit, hands me a slip and says, "Thank you."

I give her a perplexed look, "That's it?" This took over two hours the last time at the other branch. She said it was and I went home.

Now here is where I screwed up - I trusted the teller and the bank to be smart enough to do their jobs. I didn't look at the slip she handed me - for if I had, I would have seen that the genius had deposited two-hundred-and-fifty-eight dollars into my account. The check is for two-hundred-and-fifty-eight pounds which is the equivalent of approximately $500. She's a teller at a fucking bank - a well-known banking institution, I might add - and she does not know that pounds and dollars are not the same thing.

Furthermore, I assumed they would know what to do with the check when they got it. That when they calculated everything up at the end of the evening they would look at this international check written out in pounds and send it to their international department. But no, of course they didn't. I know this now because this morning I checked my online banking account and saw the deposit of $256 (dumb bitch) and then a chargeback of the same amount and a chargeback fee of $4. The check didn't go through because they are bunch of incompetent fucking morons AND THEY'RE TRYING TO CHARGE ME!!!!!!!

I don't even fucking think so.

I have called the bank and someone is "looking into it" for me. He is very nice and seems just as baffled as I that the teller deposited the money as dollars.

He asked if I knew her name, I did not. I do know what date and time I went in, though, and that she was the only one at the counter. I hope she gets fired. And I'm not being cute, I really hope that. There are honest mistakes and then are instances where you are obviously not cut out for this line of work and if this isn't one I don't know what is. I even TOLD her it was in POUNDS NOT DOLLARS. She didn't know the difference.

I am so tired of dealing with this entire international check business that I could fucking scream. I cannot believe how unbearably impossible it has been to get this very simple thing done that people do all over the world every day except obviously never in Baton Rouge.

And now I have to contact the sender again and say (again) how sorry I am that this is taking so long and apologize for the fact that I live in a backwards city with a bunch of backwards-ass fucking morons who couldn't find their way out of a paper bag with both fucking ends cut out.

And let me tell you something else MPBI's main offices WILL hear about this. And as much as I will praise the nice gentleman who is looking into this (he just called again and got me to give him the teller's initials off of the deposit slip) I will condemn and bash the morons who have caused this migraine headache and this unbearably long post that I have forced my beloved readers to muck through. Someone has to pay for all of this suffering!!!

I will keep you posted as to who will burn....

My Life is a Constant Irony

Thursday, March 24th, 2005

Yesterday I was working on a post telling how much less stress I'm under now that I've changed my work hours. I leave an hour earlier and go home an hour earlier than before and that one hour has made such a difference in the traffic that Baret has noted a marked difference in my attitude when I come home.

I still have my problems and run-ins and aggravations, but it is much less.

So I had this post knocking around in my head yesterday but I didn't have time to get it out - I intended to write & post it when I got home.

Here's where the irony comes in.

I was almost in an accident coming home from work yesterday.

A car started coming over in my lane - I was laying on the horn but the car kept coming over (surprise, surprise). All I could do was swerve sharply to the right and floor it to hurry and get past so I wouldn't get hit. As I zoomed past, the front end of the car (thankfully it was coming over at a snail's pace) nearly grazing my back end, I looked in my rearview mirror to see a little old lady behind the wheel. She could barely see over the steering wheel and she was, just as slowly, easing back into her lane - she hadn't heard my horn and hadn't seen me, apparently, until I was almost completely past her. I watched and she then slowly began inching back over into the right lane still not looking to see if anyone was there. She didn't even glance in her mirrors.

I got home upset and shaking badly - it was that close. Isn't it ironic, don't you think?

I found my Beth Gibbons CD! It wasn't in the freezer (and I did check), but behind my driver's seat. I never saw it. Baret rode with me somewhere this week and he found it (without even looking, of course). That figures because then he gets to give me "the look" as he shakes his head chidingly; the look that says "you silly, absent-minded little girl, you would lose your fingers if they weren't attached". Sadly, it's true. I would.

Since tomorrow is Good Friday and that is a holiday, today is officialy pseudo-Friday - which is just as good for me. We're having boiled crawfish at Baret's family's Sunday - the first this year, and I CANNOT WAIT. I talked to Mom yesterday and she asked me what our Easter plans were. I said something along the lines of, "Well, we're going to Baret's family's because they are boiling crawfish. And I love you guys and everything, but I will choose crawfish over you." Actually it was all good; they were planning to have Easter around our schedule so we'll be having another Easter dinner/supper with them. Hopefully talk around the dinner table will be as colorful this year as it was last - let's put it this way, conservative folks would not want to have dinner with us.

Hope everyone has a Happy Easter weekend!

Ashlee Simpson’s Ass Cleavage

Tuesday, March 22nd, 2005

To The Person Who Found My Website by Typing "ashlee simpson's ass cleavage" Into a Search Engine:

You are fucking sick.

Happy Lots-of-Things Day

Monday, March 21st, 2005

I was going to post yesterday and wish everyone a happy Palm Sunday, Ostara, International Astrology Day, Sun-Moves-into-Aries-Today (yes, it was all of those things) since I was stuck at home anyway, but I prefer not to post in a hydrocodone haze.

Last week the temperature dropped rather suddenly and quite dramatically. In other words, it got freakin' cold. Then it started raining. My damn leg froze up stiffer than a board; it was so stiff it felt as if it was going to snap under me when I tried to walk on it. I took off of work Thursday and laid in bed with lots of heat on it.

By Sunday I was no better. I had to cancel my plans and stay in bed with a hot ThermaCare bandage wrapped around my leg, popping pain pills every 4-6 hours just so I could move around and perform basic human functions like hobbling to the bathroom.

Then I realized it was Ostara, the Spring Solstice and I felt a sudden urge to work in my garden. Saturday evening my best friend (and new neighbor) had pulled up two rose bushes from his patio that he's fixing up and had planted them in mine at my request. I popped a pill and hobbled outside and trimmed everything in the garden, getting it ready for spring.

It took a very long time, and I had to pause and wait for the pain to pass at times; others I had to pause and shed a few angry, frustrated tears, but I did it. I've got big plans for that patio this year and it made me feel good to do something constructive with my day rather than sit with my leg propped up in front of the computer trying to make my Sims graduate from college.

I'm hoping for warmer weather so I can get back to working this leg again. It's really been too stiff during the cold months to do anything with it. Baret says he'll even start going to the gym with me.

And I'm also happy to report that I got my package from Adiago Teas in - absolutely delicious teas & the ingenuiTEA pot is awesome. I even got a handwritten thank you note for the link along with the package. Thank you AT!!

Back to the grind.

Everquest and Blah

Monday, March 14th, 2005

Last night I played Everquest 2 with my boyfriend, my brother and my sister (who just bought the game). It was geeky-gamer heaven. We all started new characters and wrecked havoc on the world of Norrath as a band of badass Wood Elves (can a Wood Elf be "badass"?). It was fun.

In my other gaming obsession, I have not yet been able to get a student to woohoo a college professor for better grades in The Sims University, thought I read it can be done. It's good to have goals in these games.

I had one non-stop weekend. Early Saturday we were off to start partying for Baton Rouge's annual St. Patrick's Day parade. Lots of beer, sun, and cool people; a good time was had by all. By 5pm we were back home and in bed - too much sunlight and alcohol doesn't make you feel on your best.

Sunday I attended my goddaughter's 8th birthday party. She's eight - wow. I was watching her run around playing and remembered the day she was born - I saw her not seconds after she first came into this world. How could that have been eight years ago? My "Little Fish" may be the closest thing I ever have to a daughter, and that's fine with me. Both she and her brother have my heart.

Yeah, sometimes I have a heart. Don't get used to it.

Today is Monday. Three cheers - woot. I mean that facetiously.

Though it's almost bearable for the simple fact that it's fucking gorgeous outside and I can smell the hint of coming spring in the air. That really lifts my spirits like nothing else can; the changing of the seasons.

Shit, there I go being sappy again.

I'd better just end this post now before I lose my bitchy blogging edge that you've all come to love & expect (at least, I hope you do).