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January 5th, 2004

Stupid Email Forwards & The Asshats Who Perpetuate Them

I've really got a quite collection of these going on now!

Yes, folks, that's right - it's time for the latest installment of "Stupid Email Forwards & The Asshats Who Perpetuate Them". This one's a gem. My comments are in black italics.

Show me the $$$

To all of my friends, I do not usually forward messages (Yes you do - once a forwarder, always a forwarder),
but this is from my good friend Pearlas Sanborn and she
really is an attorney(Really? That must mean we can really trust her, then, because we all know how honest & trustworthy attorneys are!). If she says that this will work - it WILL work. (Is she God or an attorney?)
After all, what have you got to lose? (The respect of all my friends)

SORRY EVERYBODY.....JUST HAD TO TAKE THE CHANCE!!! (Don't you want to kill people like this? Sorry I ran over your cat and insulted your entire family, I just had to take the chance.)
I'm an attorney, and I know the law (That's a first.) . This thing is for real. (I take it back you are a liar attorney)
Rest assured AOL and Intel will follow through with their
promises for fear of facing a multimillion dollar class
action suit similar to the one filed by PepsiCo against
General Electric not too long ago. (I'm insulted that you actually think I am THAT STUPID)

Dear Friends (No friend of mine forwards retarded shit like this) ,
Please do not take this for a junk letter (B/c it really is, and that would negate the entire reason for our sending it.) . Bill Gates is sharing
his fortune (Sure he is.) . If you ignore this you will repent later. (I have chills. Really.) Microsoft
and AOL are now the largest Internet companies and in an
effort to make sure that Internet Explorer remains the most
widely used program, Microsoft and AOL are running an
e-mail beta test. (Yes, I, too, am still grabbling with how an "email beta test" is going to make sure IE is the most widely used program.)

When you forward this e-mail to friends,
Microsoft can and will track it (if you are a Microsoft
Windows user) for a two week time period. (There may be tracking going on but it isn't by MS and it isn't something you really want going on) For every
person that you forward this e-mail to, Microsoft will
pay you $245.00, for every person that you sent it to that
forwards it on, Microsoft will pay you $243.00 and for
every third person that receives it, you will be paid
$241.00. (You've got to be fucking kidding me! If you really and truly and honestly believe this, just shoot yourself now. You are taking up valuable oxygen and space, and apparently the Darwin factor is slipping. You should end it now - you are too dumb to go on living.) Within two weeks, Microsoft will contact you
for your address and then send you a cheque.. (Trust me, they WON'T be sending you ANYTHING.)

Regards.

Charles S. Bailey
General Manager Field Operations
1/800-842-2332 Ext. 1085 or
904/245-1085 or RNX 292-1085
Charles_Bailey@csx.com

(And just to make sure you get duped, the madness continues)

I thought this was a scam myself, but two weeks
after receiving this e-mail and forwarding it on,
Microsoft contacted me for my address and
within days, I received a cheque for US$24,800.00. (Bullshit.)
You need to respond before the beta testing is over.
If anyone can afford this Bill Gates is the man.
It's all marketing expense to him. (I don't care what kind of expense or tax write-off this could be. B. Gates is NOT going to send random people he doesn't know checks for thousands of dollars just so you'll keep using IE as your primary browser. Wake up, sheeple.) Please forward
this to as many people as possible. (Otherwise, our email-farming scheme is totally in vain.) You are bound
to get at least US$10,000.00. (…in Monopoly money.) We're not going to
help them out with their e-mail beta test without
getting a little something for our time. My brother's
girlfriend got in on this a few months ago. When I
went to visit him for the Baylor/UT game. She
showed me her check. It was for the sum of
$4,324.44 and was stamped "Paid In Full". (What, not $24,000 like yours? She not know enough people?) Like I
said before, I know the law, and this is for real. (I don't know the law, but I fail to see how knowing it or not knowing it proves this email is valid.)

Intel and AOL are now discussing a merger which
would make them the largest Internet company
and in an effort make sure that AOL remains the
most widely used program, Intel and AOL are
running an e-mail beta test. (Wait, I thought the entire point of this was to make sure IE was the most widely used browser? Something sounds fishy. {Yes, yes, I know - it was stinking long before this part, but maybe some of our less bright homosapien brothers & sisters missed that.})

When you forward this e-mail to friends, Intel can
and will track it (if you are a Microsoft Windows
user) for a two week time period. (No they can't, and no, they won't.)

For every person that you forward this e-mail to,
Microsoft will pay you $203.15. (Wait, I thought it was $245.)

For every person that you sent it to that forwards
it on, Microsoft will pay you $156.29. (What happened to the original scam instructions? $200+ for every person that I forward it to that forwards it…)

And for every third person that receives it, you will
be paid $17.65. Within two weeks, Intel will contact
you for your address and then send you a check. (Please, I implore you, hold your breath while waiting for this.)

I thought this was a scam myself, but a friend of my
good friend's Aunt Patricia, who works at Intel, actually
got a check of $4,543.23 by forwarding this e-mail. (That's like saying my girlfriend's sister's hairdresser's mother's babysitter's dog walker tried this and it worked! Huh?)

****

Try it, what have you got to lose???? (The respect of all my friends & co-workers?)

In another rant, do you know what the "biggest selling product of 2003" was?? Well, according to a particular set of spam emails I've been getting lately, it's the "Penis Enlarger Patch"! "No more premature ejaculation" it promises - along with making your cock the size of a freightliner. That's right - it's a patch, similar to the nicotine patch, that makes you grow & perform like never before. The email is actually a set of three pictures - some buff guy wearing said patch on his arm and making out with some blonde broad. It's a patch…that makes your dick grow.

The email says nothing about what's in the patch or how it works - it doesn't even really say whether it's safe to use or not. But I have to say, it does have my curiosity piqued. It's a PATCH! Wtf?

With that, I'm out.

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