Two posts in one day? What's the occasion? Well, Shanna found something new to bitch about naturally. Duh.
So I get this email with phrases that people say and (supposedly) God's answer to them. I found God's answers a little...lame. I mean, he offered lots of nice sentiments but gave no good direction or advice and, as far as I know, still hasn't backed up any of his claims. "I love you" sounds nice, but is it a good answer to an honest "What should I do?" question. That's kind of a cop out.
Imagine going to your mother and saying, "Mom, I'm having trouble deciding on a college major" or "Mom, I was raped by a gang of aliens and am not sure if I should abort the hideous creature growing inside of me or not" and her answer is, "Well, I love you." Big help, Mom, thanks.
So I have taken the liberty of answering these oh-so burning questions that (apparently and according to this email) most of us ask. God may love you, but Shanna is going to give it to you straight and give you some damn direction.
The email was entitled "God Has a Positive Answer". I would like to amend that to:
God Has a Positive Answer, but Shanna Has a Better One
You Say: "It's impossible." |
God Says: All things are possible (Luke 18:27) |
Shanna Says: All things are possible if you get off your ass and work hard enough for them. |
You Say: "I'm too tired." |
God Says: I will give you rest (Matthew 11:28-30) |
Shanna Says: As long as you are alive you won't get enough rest, get up and get over it. |
You Say: "Nobody really loves me." |
God Says: I love you (John 3:16 & John 3:34) |
Shanna Says: This is true. |
You Say: "I can't go on." |
God Says: My grace is sufficient (2 Corinthians 12:9 & Psalm 91:15) |
Shanna Says: Go ahead and off yourself, then. The world is over-populated with greedy, whiny, lazy fucks anyway. |
You Say: "I can't figure things out." |
God Says: I will direct your steps (Proverbs 3:5-6) |
Shanna Says: This is not surprising. Have you ever really tried to figure anything out with begging someone else to give you all of the answers? I didn't think so. |
You Say: "I can't do it." |
God Says: You can do all things (Philippians 4:13) |
Shanna Says: You're probably right. Please see #4. |
You Say: "I'm not able." |
God Says: I am able (2 Corinthians 9:8) |
Shanna Says: "I'm not able"? Who talks like that? You disgust me - grow a backbone and quit whining you damn loser. |
You Say: "It's not worth it." |
God Says: It will be worth it (Roman 8:28) |
Shanna Says: Nothing in this life is really worth anything. Live for the moment and do what makes you happy and proud - that's all you have to do. Remember, no matter *what* you do, you're going to die. Make sure you have fun at whatever it is you choose to do. |
You Say: "I can't forgive myself." |
God Says: I Forgive you (I John 1:9 & Romans 8:1) |
Shanna Says: It's the past and you really should let it go - did you hear what I said about dying? Yes, it happens to everyone, so live for *now* and fuck the rest of it. |
You Say: "I can't manage." |
God Says: I will supply all your needs (Philippians 4:19) |
Shanna Says: Stop whining, stop trying and *do* - it's really as simple as that. |
You Say: "I'm afraid." |
God Says: I have not given you a spirit of fear (2 Timothy 1:7) |
Shanna Says: Use your fear as a stepping stone to tackle new challenges. That, or get a big gun and a mean dog. |
You Say: "I'm always worried and frustrated." |
God Says: Cast all your cares on ME (I Peter 5:7) |
Shanna Says: There's medication for that. I suggest you get on some...quick. |
You Say: "I don't have enough faith." |
God Says: I've given everyone a measure of faith (Romans 12:3) |
Shanna Says: Faith is for the weak. The only thing you need to have faith in is YOU. Then again, judging from all this whining, maybe not. |
You Say: "I'm not smart enough." |
God Says: I give you wisdom (I Corinthians 1:30) |
Shanna Says: I don't doubt that. If you feel you lack in some areas, do something about it. There are things called libraries, and schools and encyclopedias. Use them. |
You Say: "I feel all alone." |
God Says: I will never leave you or forsake you (Hebrews 13:5) |
Shanna Says: You are and you always will be - you need to get over that too. I suggest investing in a good imaginary friend. Or a vibrator. |
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