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September 2nd, 2004

Progress

I haven't said much about it lately, but it's only because I needed a break from it - my recovery was the focal point of my life and I needed to get away from it. Not that I haven't still been working at it or anything, but I haven't been posting about my progress. I was taking a break from that focused will I'd had to conjure.

Saturday I started using a cane. For the first time in two years and two months I can walk without the aid of a crutch. It's an amazing feeling - inside. On the outside, it hurts like fucking hell.

The first few days were fine, but once my muscles realized this was the way it was going to be from here on out - that it was time to come back to life and really work again, they began to rebel against me. I have a lot of difficulty walking because my heel, which hasn't touched the ground in all these years, is killing me. Every step I take I have stabbing pains that shoot up from the sole of my foot at the heel and up through my leg. My ankle is a roiling mass of achey pain and my calf muscles are in about the same state. My thighs are screaming at me in shorts bursts of sharp pains that run the length of my legs. An old arthritic man hobbling on a cane has nothing on me.

If I didn't have the pain pills to help ease it, I don't know that I wouldn't jump right back on the crutch for half the week. Okay, I probably wouldn't anyway - but thank the good gods for hydrocodone, that's all I have to say!

This is a huge step - Saturday evening, after my first few hours on the cane I broke down in a torrent of tears and heaving sobs. For the first time that pinprick of light I've been seeing at the end of the tunnel shone forth as one bright beam - a beam that I can follow and that will lead me back OUT. I cried with relief and the release of years of fear and pain and frustration, and I cried with fear for what is to come and of failing this far into the game.

So that's where I'm at - and I know a lot of my strength has come from the many people sending prayers, light and healing energy. Just you're coming here to check every day to see how I'm doing sends those vibes to me. Thank you - thank you all for your support, and your belief in me that I could do this.

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