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November 12th, 2004

Next Stop, New Zion

Last year around this time you might remember me posting about an editorial that appeared in a small rag, "The Westside Shopper" in my native parish. The post listed this gem that some bright individual had sent in:

Time To Take A Stand
It's that time of year again when evil tries to rear its ugly head and duly influence our children by trying to take their souls. That's right, I'm talking about Halloween, the one night of the year we give free reign to the Devil. Even good Christians give free reign to this holiday and dress their children in ghoulish costumes. What is wrong with you people? Unless we take a stand against Halloween, the day will come when Lucifer himself will rule this country. That day is almost here - look at the evil all around you people.

So it was with much delight that my sister sent me another installment of "Southern Religious Nuts Show Their Intelligence".

Maybe Now they'll ban it...
I'm really disgusted that we celebrated Halloween on a Sunday. Now that Bush has a second term in office, we will establish some real values in this country. I hope people enjoyed Halloween, because next year I'll make sure we don't have it. I know Bush will work to ban it. As for birthdays, forget about that self-glorification. America, it's a new day: we can finally name our country "the new Zion". As for oil, polluting the water and cleaning up this parish, nobody needs to worry any more. When the Second Coming occurs, everything will be restored to its original, holy cleanliness. And it will happen soon. Rejoice."

As my sister so perfectly put it: "I'm really gonna miss my birthday in Feb. you are so lucky you just got yours in after the election and before the Second Coming. Rejoice, Shanna!"

And I can't resist pointing out to you Bush-supporters that these are the kind of people you're lumped in with. Sorry about that.

Here's my response:

To the person who foretold the Second Coming:
I read recently that Bush is trying to go into the Alaskan wildlife refuges to start drilling for oil. I was terribly upset by this until I read this editorial. Now I know I have nothing to fear - let the precious wildlife & my beloved nature be destroyed - since all will be like new in the Second Coming. I just hope Alaska is part of the "New Zion".You know, last time I checked, Bush himself celebrated birthdays. Will this affect the Second Coming? What can we do to stop Bush from celebrating birthdays and other such self-glorification holidays? Perhaps we can all sign a petition that will ask Bush to eliminate birthdays for himself, his family and even the rest of the country. Surely he will do so when he sees the import - when he realizes this will aid in the Second Coming and that he will be the new leader of the New Zion!

I never realized how wrong it was to celebrate Halloween on a Sunday! We should never celebrate any holidays on a Sunday, then! If we remember that Christmas and Easter have even more Pagan origins than Halloween, oh my! The next time my birthday falls on a Sunday I'm not having it. Oh, wait - I can't have birthdays anymore. So I'm covered - right?

In closing, I have one last question. If this were to be the first purported "Second Coming", then according to the Bible, the Anti-Christ would come before Christ - claiming to be religious & the leader of the S.C. If I'm right, then what would this make President Bush?

Seriously, if we can't have birthdays in the New Zion, I'm buying the first ticket to Hell.

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