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June 15th, 2006

Fuck This Shit

No, I'm not really pissed off (amazing, isn't it?) but it is - admit it - an attention-grabbing title.

My sis, being the awesome person that she is, has provided me with not one, not two, but three Westbank Shoppers from which I can share with you the sad, sad state of the ignorant Southern mind. Be afraid; be very afraid.

There are many great Hotline call-ins in these issues, but I'll milk this out and just give you just one - a teaser, if you will - to start:


I'm calling to complain about my neighbor and his cat that sprays my tires every night. I want to let both of them know that I'm aware of what they're doing, and they will pay. I'm going to get myself a male cat, and I'm going to train him to spray your tires. There, smoke that in your pipes!

As usual, the sheer stupidity of these call-ins nearly stuns me into wordless astonishment.

So this neighbor, purposefully, goes out every night with his cat and they both (which is how it reads) pee on this person's tires?  Obviously that isn't happening, but still, does this individual honestly believe that the neighbor has somehow trained his cat to piss in a specific place - every single time?

Let's say he does believe this insanely preposterous idea - his intention to buy a male cat and train it to whiz all over the neighbor's tires just blows my mind.  I've yet to meet the person that could train an un-neutered, male cat to mark his territory on command and in a specific place.  If he can accomplish this, he's smarter than he comes off in this rant.

The cat goes outside and pees.  It's what cats do.  Generally, if there are tires in the vicinity, cats pee on them - and anything else nearby that may be standing still.  I don't know why male cats like to piss on tires; I'm not a male cat.  But I can safely say that the male cat in question does not have some ulterior motive in mind when he's marking this guy's wheels.  He's not in cahoots with his owner to urinate all over the caller's tires in defiance;  he sure as hell isn't thinking, "Boy this will sure piss that idiot off" while he's peeing.  He's a cat.

Smoke that in your pipes?!  That's fucking hilarious.  To the asshat that called this in, what in the hell were you smoking in your pipes?

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