Missed me?
I'd be lying if I didn't say life has been one topsy-turvy chunk of insanity after another...nothing has seemed to go right or make sense since G. Rockstar died. I suppose that's normal. I've never dealt well with death; mainly because I haven't (blessedly) been very exposed to it in my life. I find, though, that it's extremely more difficult to deal with when the death was sudden, a shock, and of a young person.
And now the first "big" holiday is coming up - Thanksgiving - and no one is really talking about it, but everybody is dreading the ever-living shit out of it. Maybe it would be easier if he hadn't been such an integral part of everything; if he'd been a quiet sort who had faded into the background and simply made us smile with his presence. Rockstar wasn't like that. He was loud, in-your-face, had you gasping with laughter or shaking your head in disbelief. He was a character; there's no denying that. A good portion of our Thanksgiving dinners he had a huge hand in helping create - this year Mom will be minus a cooking partner, my brother and our mates, my father will be absent a drinking and cut-up partner.  I don't need even need to go into the absence my poor sister will be facing.
The absence of his presence will be so noticeable; it will hurt. I don't intend, however, for it to be the big elephant in the room that no one is talking about. We need to talk about him; we need to remember him - for I know, in spirit, he'll be there with us - just like he has been every single holiday for the past ten years. We're going to have the slideshow going on an extra TV - the one I set up for his funeral (210+ photos) and we will set his place at the table, next to Tweeze, as always.
And even though the pain of losing someone like this is terrible, the pain of seeing your little sister going through losing the love of her life is a million times worse. There's really nothing you can do. You can be there for her - and we all are - but you can't ease that pain, nor take it away. It's so frustrating and heartbreaking. I don't want her to suffer through this; I don't want this for her - yet it's there, and there is nothing I, or anyone, can truly do. I love her so damn much and I can't begin to put into words how proud I am of her - of how well, under the circumstances, she is taking it; even if on the inside she feels desolate, she is functioning - it's more than I think I could do. Her strength continues to amaze and inspire me.
So forgive me for not writing more, or keeping up better as of late. I go to write, and then I just...can't. This past Sunday made one month - one whole month - since we lost him. It still doesn't seem real.
I didn't even know what I was going to write today when I opened up WordPress. I didn't expect it to be about all of this, but - obviously - it's weighing on my mind more than I'm willing to admit.
Thanks for listening.
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