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December 26th, 2006

A Hole in the Holiday, A Hole in Our Hearts

Christmas was nice this year, but there was a glaring omission from our regular holiday get-togethers. Never would I have imagined, as we sat last year opening gifts, drinking and laughing, that one of us would be missing come next Christmas.

We talked about him, here and there, in small conversation - but, honestly, the absence of Guitar Rockstar was like the gigantic blue elephant in the living room. Everyone was aware of it, but we had to just keep going on as if it wasn't really there.

I wonder if it'll ever feel "normal" again, or is this just a turning point in our lives - things are certainly changing. Now there is Sweetpea, my cousin - after proposing to his girlfriend this Xmas - is engaged, and Guitar Rockstar is gone.

Naturally I'm excited to see where this new chapter of our lives will lead us; watching Sweetpea grow and having her in our family now is a treasure and a blessing I don't even have words for. There is still a bittersweet edge to life now, though. I suppose there is with any major change. I miss him - we all miss him - there is a hole in our family now that can never be replaced. Time will soften and close up, some, that hollow feeling; as it did with when we lost my grandmother and my great grandparents - but it will always be there. Things will just never be quite the same.

I wonder, often, what he'd say to finding out just how much of a huge impact he'd had on so many peoples' lives. I think, deep in his heart, though he knew we - and with no doubts, Tweeze - loved him, he felt he was never truly loved or wanted; that even those who loved him didn't really like him completely. I'm not going to lie and say he couldn't be an aggravating fucker - or that there weren't times you just wanted to ring his neck or kick his ass. But regardless of that, we really did love him and, yes, liked the person he was immensely.

Saying we "miss" him almost doesn't do it justice. There truly is a hole in each of our hearts; something I don't think he ever could've grasped or believed - from years of being beat down, he never could fully grasp the concept of being treasured and loved. If not for Tweeze, he never would've known it. I just hope he now knows she wasn't the only one - even if sometimes we didn't know it our damn selves - that loved him to pieces just as he was.

It was an honor to know him, and to be able to call him "friend" in this lifetime. As we move into the new year, and get over the hurdle of the "big holiday" without him, my only hope is that he knows and feels all of this love we have for him, and that he knows just how very painfully he is missed.

All of you reading this, if there is anyone you didn't see for Xmas that you love - call them up, tell them Merry Xmas and tell them how much they mean to you. You never know when they might not be here next year.

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