It's been quite some time since I've wrote on my personal life here, or taken the time to update my readers on my two great life struggles - my mental and physical health.
The reason I haven't been writing about my life is because...well, to be honest, my life sucked. Nothing particularly awful was happening other than the regular nuances of day-to-day living; it was my mental state that was, quite literally, sucking my will to live.
That's just it, you see? I had no will to live - not much of one at all, and that grew every day. As I, almost mechanically, went through the steps of getting through each day I always felt - just in the background - this omnipresent feeling of the other shoe about to drop. I would wonder how much longer I could go on this way. I didn't really speak to anyone about it, because I couldn't quite a put a finger on why or how it was happening...I just knew it was.
Everything I did was steeped in anxiety, frustration, and apathy. I woke up, forced myself to work, smiled and laughed appropriately at everyone, and came home exhausted from the exertion of pretending everything was okay. It wasn't. Baret saw this more than anyone, naturally, and how negatively this playing at a life I was uninterested in was destroying my very spirit.
The problem was the constant, nagging depression - just enough to not be overwhelming - and the growing anxiety. My anxiety has gotten worse as I've gotten older, and things I used to do with ease and no thought cause me to silently panic often. I don't share this with many because I have always been strong; the person who could do anything and had no fear. My growing fears and anxiety were like a sign of failure and weakness to me and I was terribly ashamed.
I was the one my mother and sister, more reticent and naturally shy, would look to or depend on to do the talking, sort of lead and take over if we were out and about. I liked this aspect of myself - I liked to be strong and dependable; someone that made others feel comfortable while I sort of took the reins. As this ability in me dwindled, I became much more introverted and solitary. I am no longer the social person I used to be. I've always preferred to stay at home, but that has grown into a leaving-home-makes-me-panic scenario. I am ashamed to even have to admit it and furious with myself for being weak.
A lot of it - I am sure - stems from the severe depression I was thrown into after my first surgery failed. I had to re-learn how to be comfortable in my own skin; for almost two years I felt like a prisoner in my body - a being that existed only in the mind looking out from the eyes of the broken shell I inhabited. Though I attended holidays and social functions, I was never truly "there". The ability to walk about and mingle was gone, too, so I often found a place to sit and sat there like a stump silently crying that I could not join in or be part of the activities and gaiety surrounding me. Isolation was my life.
This faded to some degree as I learned to live a now disabled life, and re-learned how to "live" inside my broken body. I learned new ways of coping, of surviving, and getting around. I can say I am never truly "comfortable", but even that is something you get used to. However, I do believe this left a (hopefully not) permanent scar on my psyche...so that now I am not the outgoing, extrovert that I once was.
It doesn't help matters that I have an obvious, severe limp with my "frozen" leg and often have to use a cane or even a wheelchair to get about. People stare. I can say that it doesn't bother me, but it does. I'm not like everyone else anymore, and I may never be.
Add to all of that struggle the fact that my brain is chemically imbalanced; even for a regular person learning to live with a painful disability would be challenging - it is even moreso for someone who is naturally prone to depression, anxiety, and mania.
All of this has accumulated and I - at this point in my life - was going downhill rather quickly. I knew it, I felt it, and I pondered when the end would finally come. At some point, I realized, I was going to totally lose it. A nervous breakdown would have been the least of it; suicide the worst.
This didn't frighten me as much as you might think. In fact, in some ways, I wished for it to come. I was that miserable. I knew I could not continue to live with this warring in my brain for much longer.
Then, suddenly, things changed. I got a new primary doctor - one who cares about his patients. (Why I left my old one is an upcoming post) I got referred to a new pain management specialist, who also cares about her patients. Sadly, since 2002 when all of this began for me, a doctor who gives a crap has been nearly impossible to find. And now, I have two.
I have been put on Lyrica...and it is changing my life. I started it on Friday night (April 25) and by Monday was noticing a difference. My pain management doctor is working me up to 75mg twice a day - but I am already seeing results at 50mg.
Lyrica "tricks" my brain into thinking there is no or less pain (or at least makes me okay to deal with it). Since starting it, my intake of Lortab (I was on Hydrocodone 10mg) has decreased noticeably. Whereas I was having to take upwards of 4-6 pills a day (something I constantly worried about and the consequences to my liver), so far on Lyrica I can get by with 2-4 pills a day. I am hoping even that will lessen as I increase my Lyrica dosage.
Not only has my pain improved, my mind has! It has been nothing short of a miracle. My pain management doctor explained that Lyrica is also a mood stabilizer and will help with my anxiety. And has it ever! By Tuesday morning, I realized, I felt...
It's really hard to say it because I can't believe it myself. I felt HAPPY. I vaguely remembered the feeling and Rose estimated it's probably been close to two years since I've felt that way. Instead of worrying about everything with my mind racing, I was just...ok...and "in the moment". I walked into our breakroom that morning and stopped to enjoy the beautiful sun rays coming in the window and was stunned. I was appreciating the moment, enjoying the sun, and my mind was not worrying or running crazy in the background. I marveled at this, and wondered, "Is this how other people feel?".
It's only the second day of feeling "ok" and I'm scared to be too hopeful, but so far so good. My pain is already less and I think we can make it manageable. My mood has improved in leaps and bounds - Baret is stunned at the difference in me - and I now have two good, caring doctors who are going to help me heal in all the ways I need to. Of course part of me is terrified to be too hopeful - that has blown up in my face so many times in the past - but I can't help but feel this is it, this time I am going to get "fixed".
And so that is that and where I've been and where I am. At this very moment I couldn't be happier - something I haven't been able to say for a very long time. Cheers.
May 1st, 2008 at 12:06 pm
[...] problems that are beyond the scope of this blog (you may read about them on my regular blog here, if you're so inclined). I would just like to say that everything is now much better, and I believe [...]
May 11th, 2008 at 10:27 pm
[...] Hoyden About Town wrote an interesting post today onHere’s a quick excerpt It’s been quite some time since I’ve wrote on my personal life here, or taken the time to update my readers on my two great life struggles - my mental and physical health. The reason I haven’t been writing about my life is because…well, to be honest, my life sucked. Nothing particularly awful was happening other than the regular nuances of day-to-day living; it was my mental state that was, quite literally, sucking my will to live. That’s just it, you see? I had no will to live - not much o [...]
October 4th, 2018 at 8:01 am
Everyone loves it when individuals come together and share thoughts.
Great blog, stick with it!
October 9th, 2018 at 1:18 pm
Great actors continue the educational process.
October 16th, 2018 at 7:32 pm
Some schools make this a two-stage course of.
October 17th, 2018 at 11:29 am
Some colleges make this a two-stage course of.
October 22nd, 2018 at 11:25 am
Some colleges make this a two-stage process.
November 23rd, 2018 at 3:16 am
Licensed Monetary Planner Board of Requirements Inc.
November 24th, 2018 at 12:52 pm
Investor researches stocks, bonds, etc.
December 2nd, 2018 at 12:24 pm
Excellent pieces. Keep posting such kind of information on your blog.
Im really impressed by it.
Hey there, You have performed a great job.
I'll definitely digg it and for my part recommend to my friends.
I am sure they will be benefited from this site.
December 3rd, 2018 at 10:18 pm
When someone writes an paragraph he/she keeps the image of a user in his/her mind that how a user can know it.
Thus that's why this article is perfect. Thanks!
December 7th, 2018 at 4:03 am
A fascinating discussion is worth comment. I believe
that you should publish more about this subject matter,
it might not be a taboo matter but usually people don't
speak about these subjects. To the next! Cheers!!
December 12th, 2018 at 2:19 pm
Some are small enough to be towed behind vehicles.
Englewood Towing Service, 3940 S. Grove St. Engelwood, CO 80110, (303) 622-5617
December 15th, 2018 at 11:19 pm
Hi, i think that i saw you visited my blog thus i came
to “return the favor”.I am trying to find things to improve my web site!I suppose its ok to use
some of your ideas!!
December 16th, 2018 at 5:14 pm
It's going to be end of mine day, except before ending
I am reading this impressive article to improve my experience.
December 16th, 2018 at 6:23 pm
If you want to get much from this post then you have to apply
these methods to your won weblog.
December 16th, 2018 at 7:42 pm
It's hard to find well-informed people about this subject, however, you seem like you know what you're talking about!
Thanks
December 17th, 2018 at 8:13 am
I'm excited to discover this page. I want to to thank you for ones time
for this particularly wonderful read!! I definitely enjoyed
every bit of it and I have you bookmarked to look at new information in your website.
December 22nd, 2018 at 2:58 am
I'm very pleased to uncover this site. I need to to thank you
for ones time for this wonderful read!!
I definitely enjoyed every bit of it and I have you saved to fav to check out new things in your website.
December 22nd, 2018 at 2:56 pm
The correct recommendation can save you time and
money.
December 23rd, 2018 at 5:41 am
Heya i'm for the first time here. I came across this board and
I find It really helpful & it helped me out
a lot. I'm hoping to give something back and aid others such as
you aided me.
December 23rd, 2018 at 2:34 pm
Hello! This is my 1st comment here so I just wanted to give
a quick shout out and say I genuinely enjoy reading your articles.
Can you recommend any other blogs/websites/forums that deal with the same subjects?
Thanks a ton!
December 23rd, 2018 at 3:36 pm
I loved as much as you will receive carried out right here.
The sketch is attractive, your authored subject matter stylish.
nonetheless, you command get got an shakiness over that you wish be delivering the following.
unwell unquestionably come more formerly again since exactly the same nearly a lot often inside case you
shield this increase.
December 25th, 2018 at 10:33 am
The fitting recommendation can prevent money and time.
December 25th, 2018 at 5:16 pm
The best recommendation can prevent money and time.
December 28th, 2018 at 12:41 pm
Wonderful blog! I found it while browsing on Yahoo News.
Do you have any tips on how to get listed
in Yahoo News? I've been trying for a while but I never seem to get there!
Cheers
January 2nd, 2019 at 5:45 am
Somebody essentially assist to make critically
articles I would state. That is the first time I frequented your website page and up to now?
I amazed with the research you made to make this actual put up amazing.
Excellent task!
January 7th, 2019 at 2:12 pm
This article will assist the internet users
for setting up new website or even a weblog from start to end.
January 15th, 2019 at 10:56 pm
Does your website have a contact page? I'm having trouble locating it
but, I'd like to send you an email. I've
got some suggestions for your blog you might be interested in hearing.
Either way, great blog and I look forward to seeing it expand over time.
January 16th, 2019 at 12:55 am
Attractive section of content. I just stumbled upon your web site and in accession capital to
assert that I get in fact enjoyed account your blog posts.
Anyway I'll be subscribing to your feeds and even I achievement you access
consistently quickly.
January 18th, 2019 at 2:16 pm
Post writing is also a excitement, if you be acquainted with
afterward you can write if not it is complicated to write.
January 18th, 2019 at 6:10 pm
Thank you for the good writeup. It in fact was a amusement account it.
Look advanced to more added agreeable from you!
However, how can we communicate?
January 24th, 2019 at 11:45 pm
Can I simply say what a comfort to find someone who actually understands
what they're discussing over the internet. You definitely understand how to bring an issue to light and
make it important. A lot more people really need to
check this out and understand this side of your story.
I can't believe you are not more popular given that you surely possess the gift.
January 27th, 2019 at 3:06 am
Schwab Intelligent Portfolios invests in Schwab ETFs.
January 28th, 2019 at 4:16 am
This is true for funding advice as nicely.
January 28th, 2019 at 9:40 pm
Now it is time to pick your particular investments.
February 5th, 2019 at 12:12 pm
Hi there, of course this piece of writing is genuinely fastidious and I
have learned lot of things from it on the topic of blogging.
thanks.
February 8th, 2019 at 9:19 am
Schwab Intelligent Portfolios invests in Schwab
ETFs.
February 8th, 2019 at 7:29 pm
A monetary advisor is your planning companion.
February 8th, 2019 at 9:41 pm
A monetary advisor is your planning associate.
February 10th, 2019 at 8:43 pm
Monetary advisors enterprise is people business.
February 10th, 2019 at 8:47 pm
Financial advisors business is individuals enterprise.
February 11th, 2019 at 6:27 pm
Private proxies and top deals: 50 price reduction, cost-free proxies and marketing promotions - merely about DreamProxies.com
February 11th, 2019 at 7:25 pm
A monetary advisor is your planning companion.
February 12th, 2019 at 7:21 pm
Thankyou for sharing the information with us.
February 13th, 2019 at 3:47 am
All sorts of investments include certain risks.
February 15th, 2019 at 3:31 am
And this is an investment risk price taking.
February 15th, 2019 at 10:17 pm
Take into account investments that offer fast annuities.