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What You Need to Know About Spam & Email Forwards

Thursday, January 8th, 2004

...or, simply put, why I hate them so much!

You wouldn't believe the asinine emails I get! The spam stuff is bad enough - but when it's just dumb people fowarding shit because they're too dumb to realize it's a scam, that makes you want to pull your hair out.

I've learned that the reason emails like this go around is for the purpose of "email farming". See, let's say I have a message (a joke, maybe) and I forward it to Jack, Tom, Jill, Harry and Habib. Jack sends it to 14 people. Tom sends it 2, Harry sends it 45 and Habib doesn't send it to anyone because his modem dies. Already my email has been circulated to 61 people who are also forwarding it to their friends, family and online pals. You can see how you can sometimes get a message in your Inbox that has already been forwarded to hundreds of people. Now let's say I'm a spammer who is farming for emails - in other words, looking for email addresses that I can send my spam to. From this one dumb email that I sent out, I am going to get back hundreds of email addresses that I can now send spam to - which, if you don't know, is a million-dollar a year industry.

So, when I get the dumb emails that are obviously concocted so gullible fools will send them on to everyone they know, I want to slap someone. There are the ones, like the one posted Monday, that say Bill Gates or some other lucrative figure is sending a certain amount of money to everyone that forwards their message on. If you really stopped and let common logic kick in, you would know this is completely unlikely, and really stupid. But, for some reason - and studies have proven this - if people see it on the computer screen, they believe it. For all the retarded shit that comes through in email, it is proven that people are more likely to believe it if read in this medium. Go figure. You get the ones with a ridiculously silly poem or limerick about friends & love - and it tells you to pass it on to everyone to remind them how much you love them. Again, email farming at its worst. This is also effective with "God" ones - "If you love God you'll forward this to as many people as you can!" It sounds silly, but it works. I'd guess that 98% of people that get such things do, indeed, forward them to mass amounts of people. There are the ones that tell a joke with no punch line - telling you that if you send it to umpteen number of people and hit certain keys on your keyboard, the punch line or some silly cartoon character will dance across the screen on your monitor. This ploy is also disguised as saying some department store is offering coupons for preposterous dollar amounts - and forwarding to blank number of people and hitting certain keys will make the coupon appear on your screen. People don't realize, or seem to forget, that it is impossible for sending an email to make anything appear on your computer or your screen. So that one works well, too. People, thinking they'll get something good or funny, start sending the thing to everyone they know.

And deep down, I believe these people do have common sense, and do know that they are complete idiots for flooding their friends' Inboxes with such crap. Because, 9 x's out of 10, they write at the top of the email, "I'm sorry, I just had to try this" or "Better safe than sorry" or "I don't usually send stuff like this, but what have I got to lose?" They're apologizing in advance for being dim-witted and irritating - so it's really hard to not want to throttle them. They know better, they're just hoping, that just maybe, Bill Gates will send them a check for $24,000, that $0.03 will be donated to some dying child for every person they forward to, that Macy's really is issuing hundreds of $125 coupons, or that God really will give two damn rat shits that they forwarded an email professing their adoration of him.

Did you say vulgar??

Finally, I'd like to leave you with a sweet, little, tongue-in-cheek note I sent my close friend who, referring to the fact that it was hard to keep his New Year's resolution to stop cursing around me, called me "vulgar".

No, no, I'm only teasing you. I don't mind (too much) you're calling me vulgar. Though I can't imagine what in the hell you're referring to? I'm such a quiet and mild-mannered little creature, there's no fucking way that you'd hear any damn bitching from me in any profuse displays of cursing or damning. Me, curse? For fuck's sake, whatever are you talking about? I don't jive with all that shit, and I'll damn the bastard that accuses me of using any fucking profanity. Fuck that fucking shit. I'd really hate to make an ass of myself or act like a sonofabitch by uttering such goddamn filth. You should know better. This bitch is too polite to be spewing forth profanities like some kind of dumb-fucking asshat! What the fuck? As far as I'm concerned, you can kiss my mother-fucking vulgar ass!!

Stupid Email Forwards & The Asshats Who Perpetuate Them

Monday, January 5th, 2004

I've really got a quite collection of these going on now!

Yes, folks, that's right - it's time for the latest installment of "Stupid Email Forwards & The Asshats Who Perpetuate Them". This one's a gem. My comments are in black italics.

Show me the $$$

To all of my friends, I do not usually forward messages (Yes you do - once a forwarder, always a forwarder),
but this is from my good friend Pearlas Sanborn and she
really is an attorney(Really? That must mean we can really trust her, then, because we all know how honest & trustworthy attorneys are!). If she says that this will work - it WILL work. (Is she God or an attorney?)
After all, what have you got to lose? (The respect of all my friends)

SORRY EVERYBODY.....JUST HAD TO TAKE THE CHANCE!!! (Don't you want to kill people like this? Sorry I ran over your cat and insulted your entire family, I just had to take the chance.)
I'm an attorney, and I know the law (That's a first.) . This thing is for real. (I take it back you are a liar attorney)
Rest assured AOL and Intel will follow through with their
promises for fear of facing a multimillion dollar class
action suit similar to the one filed by PepsiCo against
General Electric not too long ago. (I'm insulted that you actually think I am THAT STUPID)

Dear Friends (No friend of mine forwards retarded shit like this) ,
Please do not take this for a junk letter (B/c it really is, and that would negate the entire reason for our sending it.) . Bill Gates is sharing
his fortune (Sure he is.) . If you ignore this you will repent later. (I have chills. Really.) Microsoft
and AOL are now the largest Internet companies and in an
effort to make sure that Internet Explorer remains the most
widely used program, Microsoft and AOL are running an
e-mail beta test. (Yes, I, too, am still grabbling with how an "email beta test" is going to make sure IE is the most widely used program.)

When you forward this e-mail to friends,
Microsoft can and will track it (if you are a Microsoft
Windows user) for a two week time period. (There may be tracking going on but it isn't by MS and it isn't something you really want going on) For every
person that you forward this e-mail to, Microsoft will
pay you $245.00, for every person that you sent it to that
forwards it on, Microsoft will pay you $243.00 and for
every third person that receives it, you will be paid
$241.00. (You've got to be fucking kidding me! If you really and truly and honestly believe this, just shoot yourself now. You are taking up valuable oxygen and space, and apparently the Darwin factor is slipping. You should end it now - you are too dumb to go on living.) Within two weeks, Microsoft will contact you
for your address and then send you a cheque.. (Trust me, they WON'T be sending you ANYTHING.)

Regards.

Charles S. Bailey
General Manager Field Operations
1/800-842-2332 Ext. 1085 or
904/245-1085 or RNX 292-1085
Charles_Bailey@csx.com

(And just to make sure you get duped, the madness continues)

I thought this was a scam myself, but two weeks
after receiving this e-mail and forwarding it on,
Microsoft contacted me for my address and
within days, I received a cheque for US$24,800.00. (Bullshit.)
You need to respond before the beta testing is over.
If anyone can afford this Bill Gates is the man.
It's all marketing expense to him. (I don't care what kind of expense or tax write-off this could be. B. Gates is NOT going to send random people he doesn't know checks for thousands of dollars just so you'll keep using IE as your primary browser. Wake up, sheeple.) Please forward
this to as many people as possible. (Otherwise, our email-farming scheme is totally in vain.) You are bound
to get at least US$10,000.00. (…in Monopoly money.) We're not going to
help them out with their e-mail beta test without
getting a little something for our time. My brother's
girlfriend got in on this a few months ago. When I
went to visit him for the Baylor/UT game. She
showed me her check. It was for the sum of
$4,324.44 and was stamped "Paid In Full". (What, not $24,000 like yours? She not know enough people?) Like I
said before, I know the law, and this is for real. (I don't know the law, but I fail to see how knowing it or not knowing it proves this email is valid.)

Intel and AOL are now discussing a merger which
would make them the largest Internet company
and in an effort make sure that AOL remains the
most widely used program, Intel and AOL are
running an e-mail beta test. (Wait, I thought the entire point of this was to make sure IE was the most widely used browser? Something sounds fishy. {Yes, yes, I know - it was stinking long before this part, but maybe some of our less bright homosapien brothers & sisters missed that.})

When you forward this e-mail to friends, Intel can
and will track it (if you are a Microsoft Windows
user) for a two week time period. (No they can't, and no, they won't.)

For every person that you forward this e-mail to,
Microsoft will pay you $203.15. (Wait, I thought it was $245.)

For every person that you sent it to that forwards
it on, Microsoft will pay you $156.29. (What happened to the original scam instructions? $200+ for every person that I forward it to that forwards it…)

And for every third person that receives it, you will
be paid $17.65. Within two weeks, Intel will contact
you for your address and then send you a check. (Please, I implore you, hold your breath while waiting for this.)

I thought this was a scam myself, but a friend of my
good friend's Aunt Patricia, who works at Intel, actually
got a check of $4,543.23 by forwarding this e-mail. (That's like saying my girlfriend's sister's hairdresser's mother's babysitter's dog walker tried this and it worked! Huh?)

****

Try it, what have you got to lose???? (The respect of all my friends & co-workers?)

In another rant, do you know what the "biggest selling product of 2003" was?? Well, according to a particular set of spam emails I've been getting lately, it's the "Penis Enlarger Patch"! "No more premature ejaculation" it promises - along with making your cock the size of a freightliner. That's right - it's a patch, similar to the nicotine patch, that makes you grow & perform like never before. The email is actually a set of three pictures - some buff guy wearing said patch on his arm and making out with some blonde broad. It's a patch…that makes your dick grow.

The email says nothing about what's in the patch or how it works - it doesn't even really say whether it's safe to use or not. But I have to say, it does have my curiosity piqued. It's a PATCH! Wtf?

With that, I'm out.

Name Day Report

Monday, November 10th, 2003

Now that the birthday madness has come to a close, I have returned to tell you of my adventures.

First, though, a big huge thank-you to everyone that left birthday messages, sent birthday emails and all that jazz. It was very much appreciated.

I honestly thought this birthday would just zoom on by, almost unnoticed. I didn't expect anything special from it - but it turned out to be one of the best. Last Thursday evening (the day of) I joined my friends for their weekly Thursday-potluck-dinner-get-together. We had a good time and they surprised me with a cake. Saturday I had an Italian potluck to celebrate and to show off the new place to everyone. They were all surprised that we looked so settled after only being there two weeks - though the truth was we'd just stuck all the extra boxes in the storage room!

I got some great presents. Brand & Jackie gave me a matching set of 4 wine glasses - extra thick glass to prevent our usual breakage (I've gone through so many wine glasses in the last year and we were down to *one*), and of course, some wine to put in it. Jackie also got me Sidney Omar's "Cooking with Astrology" - a book I've wanted for some time now. Brand also got some little wine glass charms for the bigger glasses. Erin bought me one of my favorite wines - Mondavi Merlot - Private Selection; saving that one for a special occasion. Missy gave me a darling little bejeweled, red-satin jewelry box. "The Idiot's Guide to Paganism" from my brother (those books are so informataive, I'm learning a few things myself) and "Freeway" on DVD and the new Sims expansion pack ("Makin' Magic") from my sis (she's my game-addiction dealer apparently). My good friend Lauren and her fiance were able to find a babysitter and show up, too - that was great.

I think a good time was had by all. Sunday we went to visit with Baret's family, and they had gotten me a gift certifcate to Bed, Bath & Beyond. Oh yeah.

Really, it was a wonderful birthday. Now it's back to the grind. To all of you that have to work tomorrow - nah-yah. Nothing like a Monday that's really a pseudo-Friday. Woot!

But perhaps the most wonderful present of all was one I worked on and got for myself.

Saturday, for the first time in over a year, I fit back into my size 7's. That's a feeling I really can't put into words. Some of them are still a bit tight, but most are comfortable. After the surgery, I'd gotten up to 9's - and for awhile, was only able to wear 11's. While that may not sound that bad - scrunch all that weight down into a frame that stands only 4'10" tall and you'll see why I was unhappy with my weight. Everyone is asking me what I did. Well, I cut back on carbs - but not that much. The biggest change I made was to start drinking that new low-carb beer, Michelob Ultra. I told you it was my version of a diet; apparently there was more truth to that than I realized!

So to all, a good Monday. I had lots of pithy and interesting things to post about floating about in my head this weekend. Naturally, my memory being what is, I've forgotten all of them. You'll have to be satisfied with the birthday update and the happy weight loss story 'til I can get these old gears turnin' again. I hope everyone has a remarkable day!

WWJD? Jesus Would Hold the Door for the Chick on Crutches

Thursday, October 2nd, 2003

If I'm griping, you know I'm feeling better.

While Rush Limbaugh shouldn't have said what he said - simply because people are over-sensitive - it still isn't fair. You see, if some black commentator had made a comment such as, for example, "There's nothing special about Larry Byrd. The media's just shocked that a white boy can play ball." nobody would've thought a thing about that.

And on another note, I'm beginning to wonder - what ever happend to consideration and common courtesy in our society? Does anyone notice a severe lacking of these two things in the world at large? Does that bother anyone else?

Never is this more clear to me than when I travel to Angola State Penitentiary to visit someone dear to me. No, it isn't the inmates that are uncouth; in fact, most of them are deeply religious and extremely kind individuals. It is the people that are going there to visit their loved ones. You would think the common bond of everyone there having someone they love locked away would make a sort of comradeship, and to some extent there is. But mostly, I see a lot of rude and selfish people who are nothing but a huge group of hypocrites.

These are people that come straight from church still dressed in their Sunday finest and singing the praises of Jesus. No, I'm not making that up - they literally walk into the room and yell out "Jesus loves you! I love you! Praise Jesus!" These same people try to jump in front of me and nearly knock me down when going for the door - I'm on crutches, you know. These same people get on the bus and sit right down in the two front seats set aside for the handicapped - because they're lazy or feel self-important. And when I struggle my way up the bus steps (this is not an easy task for me), they give me this defiant look - as if to say, "I'm not moving." Have you ever walked down a bus aisle on crutches?

I don't get angry, I just get upset. You know that I'm not a Christian, but I believe a lot of the messages from Jesus (who I do believe existed and was a prophet - but I do not believe was 'the only son of God'). And every time I want walk up to them and quote that passage about "everytime you helped a stranger, you were helping me." How can people be so selfish and uncaring when it comes to their fellow man? I know that's a dumb question. The human race as a whole is just awful. Unless it's a crisis - like 9/11 when everyone joined together to help their neighbor - humans suck at compassion and consideration.

When I was first on the crutches, and not very good at it yet, I was leaving a restaurant. My friend was still at the counter, getting her change, and I was standing at the door. A woman had walked in and I asked her if she could open the door for me, please. I was very polite - even self-effacing because I hated having to ask for help. She let out a big, aggravated sigh and rolled her eyes. She opened it, cutting me daggers with her eyes the entire time.

It's not that I'm asking for sympathy, or even a kind hand, simply because I'm on crutches. I'm using this as an example to show how awful mankind can be. When you see the less fortunate, the down-trodden - aren't you supposed to help them? Or, at least, just smile or be kind? Aren't you supposed to do that to everyone?

On a lighter note - October is the beginning of good things. Good things never happen to me in September; in fact, very horrible things do. So I'm elated that it's over and it's all going to get better from here. So, I'm not in just a gripey mood - but a light-hearted one.

Favorite junk email title of the day:

evilteencunts

WTF?

Also - food for thought: Did you know the meaning of the word "sensual" is actually (or, at least, was originally):

deficient in moral, spiritual, or intellectual interests.