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An Open Letter to Dina Lohan

Friday, July 30th, 2010

So I'm reading in Popeater that Dina Lohan - over-protective, Hollywood mum to terribly-addled, near-hopeless actress Lindsay Lohan - is upset that Lindsay, during her (what will likely turn out to be all-too-brief) stay at a women's correctional facility in Lynwood, California for probation violation and charges stemming from an old DUI and drug arrest.  (You know, the kinds of things you and I would have been quickly thrown in jail for without the media claiming our sentence was "too harsh and unfair").

Dina had this to say about the deplorable conditions her daughter is being forced to suffer in:

"She doesn't have cell phone privileges, that's absurd. She doesn't even have a pillow to sleep on," Dina told Radaronline.com yesterday. "I talk to her through glass. There's a phone and we put her on speaker but I can't even hug my daughter. She's treated like a common criminal."

I would like to give Ms. Mama Lohan a little real life talking-to here; a bit of an explanation of how the world works for those of us that aren't treated as if we shit golden eggs.

Dearest Mrs. Lohan:

Lindsay is being treated like a "common criminal" because she broke the law and violated her probation.  Dina, that is actually the definition of "criminal", dear.

It should be noted that Lindsay's extended stay is taking place at a correctional facility.  No, I don't think you quite understand - that means jail, j-a-i-l.  She is in jail not the Ritz-Carlton.  Do you honestly not realize that if she wasn't Lindsay Lohan and was just some messed-up, drugged-out young adult off the street, she'd of gotten that sentence long before now and would have served it and then some?  You decry her punishment as "unfair" and "too harsh" - so what is it when a judge orders the same (or a harsher) sentence down to a young woman who isn't a celebrity?  Would you care and advocate for them then?  Don't even bother answering that one - let's move on...

She does not have cell phone privileges because no jail in America allows cell phones to be used by inmates (need I even say why?) and, remember this because I realize you're having trouble grasping the concept, Lindsay is an inmate right now.  In a jail.  Because of her own actions and even inaction.

I would think, as a mother worried about the path her meal ticket daughter is going down, you'd be happy about this; maybe this will be a wake-up call for Lindsay to grow up and take control of her life.  Anyone ignorant and childish enough to paint "fuck you" on her fingernails before going to court - and not expecting the judge to notice and deem you, well, ignorant and childish - bespeaks of someone either not all right in the head or desperately crying out for help; perhaps and likely both.

This time could be good for Lindsay, if she were treated like everyone else and had to actually experience the consequences of her actions (something far too few of these Hollywood starlets ever have to do).

Get used to talking to her through glass, because that is how you visit an inmate in jail, Dina.  Which - let's remind you once more - your daughter is.  And it isn't the judge who put her there, nor the lawyer that Lindsay immediately fired (and then hired someone right out of law school with no experience).  It's not even Michael Lohan's fault, though I know you and Lindsay like to blame him.  I feel he is just as much to blame for Lindsay's current state of fucked-uppedness as you are; you two were obviously terrible parents as you seemed to confuse the task of parenting with the job of managing.

Yet that blame can only carry so far and, I personally feel, once you are in your 20's, what you do starts to be on you and not anyone else.  Ya'll may not have given her a solid foundation on which to build adulthood, but her choices are what have put her where she is now.  It's no one's fault but Lindsay's that she is in jail.

That you think she should get "special privileges" while there speaks volumes; especially considering the fact that she is getting special treatment in that jail - she is not in population, her family doesn't have to wait in lines just to see her as everyone else does, and the guards give her candy when she asks for it.  I'm sure there's much more in the way of special privileges that Lindsay alone is favored with, but those are a few choice tidbits we've been privy to thanks to the media.

The problem here is that Lindsay isn't being treated like a "common criminal" and she should be.  Firstly, because she is a criminal, she did break the law, and she should be subject to the same laws and punishments the rest of us are.  Secondly, how is she going to learn to accept responsibility for her own fuckups if everyone keeps giving her a free pass?

I hope, for the sake of your daughter's sanity and, quite possibly, life that you take heed to what I know some people close to you must be saying.  Ignore the sycophants and stop being one yourself wherein your child is concerned.  Do what is best for her, not what will bring in more money for all of you.  The extent to which Lindsay has been used by you and Michael is deplorable.  I have no doubt you love your child, but I believe deep down you know it is a selfish love rather than a selfless one, as it should be.  Perhaps if those around her tried to truly help and listen to her rather than pander to her childish whims, I think she would respond.  She is screaming out for guidance and discipline in her life; help her to establish that - even if it means a few years away from the media circus, the limelight, and the entire Hollywood scene.  For once, do what is best for Lindsay and not those that rely on her for a paycheck.

Sincerely,

Shanna Riley
aka skatoolaki

I honestly started out to write this with some snark and bite and a few laughs, but - in the end - found myself actually imploring Dina Lohan to wake up and realize that her daughter is on a fast-moving, one-way trip straight to an early grave.  I found I couldn't poke fun at Lindsay because, as much as I dislike her, she's obviously very ill - mentally and emotionally she is damaged and the self-medicating with drugs and alcohol is only making it worse.  Her parents are constantly in the media, calling it on themselves, and pulling Lindsay between them like a rag doll; she's a meal ticket to them and not a daughter and that's just...sad.  I see Lindsay as this broken, desperate little girl just crying out for someone to love her and take care of her.

No, in the end, I could not poke too much fun because, all around, this is just a sad situation and if something doesn't change - if there is no wake-up call for Lindsay soon - the news we write about her will only continue to be more tragic.

If You Ever Needed Proof That Lindsay Lohan Is Delusional…

Wednesday, March 10th, 2010

It was some years ago that I hung up my celeb-bashing hat and closed down my popular celeb gossip/bash blog, Star Suck.  Though I enjoyed writing the material, it was sort of like shooting fish in a barrel; the subjects of my ire and derision seemed to float around with enormous targets painted on their backs.

That wasn't the only reason I stopped, though.  It was also negative, too negative in the end, and I figured – at least karma-wise – it would be best to refrain from profiting off of bad-mouthing others (regardless that those others were often self-centered, selfish, narcissists who often deserved every bit of it).  But, boy, it was fun while it lasted.

I vowed to never pick on celebrities again – okay, scratch that.  I vowed to not make a habit of picking on celebrities again, unless they did something stupid enough to warrant a worded takedown.

And that brings us to Lindsay Lohan and the E-Trade Saga.

Some of you may remember the cute (if you're into that sort of thing), creepy (if you're not) talking E-trade babies commercial from the Super Bowl.

It's a running theme – this fast-talking, tech-savvy, portolio-trading baby that confers with the screen like an adult awash with the glow of his laptop – that E-trade has done a few commercials with.  On Super Bowl Sunday they decided not to mess with a good thing, and kept the little guy for their big spot – this time adding a couple of females into the mix.

The NY Post describes the commercial succinctly:

In the ad for the financial-services company, a baby girl is upset with her boyfriend for not calling the previous night.

After the boy apologizes, saying he was diversifying his portfolio, the girl asks suspiciously: "And that milkaholic Lindsay wasn't over?"

"Lindsay?" the boy asks sheepishly before another baby girl pokes her head into the frame and asks, "Milk-a-what?"

What's the big deal, you're wondering?  Well, apparently, as the rest of the world went back to their chips and beer – and the game – Lindsay Lohan was on the phone with her mother…crying.

You see, Lindsay is positive the commercial was making fun of her.

Not so, says E-trade.  It's simply "a popular baby's name".

But Lindsay, who apparently – if no one else does – sees herself as an –aholic of something or other, is insistent.  She is suing E-trade for $100 million for her "pain and suffering".

Dina Lohan is proud of Lindsay for taking a stand and is quoted as saying, "I'm just basically glad I took a stand. I'm not going to let them do this to us anymore."  Fruit Loop and her mother are also insisting the "horrible" and "mean" ad be yanked.

I can't decide if she's really this ignorant or she's really just that desperate for some publicity.